[answering machine] I'm not in right now, so leave a message.
Where are you?! We were supposed to be watching a marathon of Pay Cable Prison Drama! Mr. Mumbles and I can't wait anymore, especially since my TV has been hijacked by this dancing nonsense! 'Do you know what a cellie would do if you punked him like this? A shanking, sir! Now you dance your way over- [machine beeps] You're beeping me? Nobody beeps me! You stay here, Mr. Mumbles. I'm going to go hit Chris where he lives, HIS HOUSE. [sees Crunch dancing outside of the apartment] What are you doing here, you moron?
CCrunch
One man flash mob, bra.
[walks up to him] A mob implies a group. You are but along dumdum. [Crunch goes up on Dan's car] Hey! Get off my car! You'd better run!
CCrunch
[runs off] Alright!
What is going on with all this dancing malarky? [drives to Chris and Elise's house and sees them dancing from their window] Chris too? [opens the door] What are you doing?
Dancing! [Dan breaks the vase] Dan!
We're practicing for Swing til the Spring, an endurance spring dance contest. You are not invited. Get out of our house.
[Dan grabs the statue and breaks it]
What exactly do you mean by the "epicenter of fight dancing"?
[while explaining the backstory of Pembroke] Many years ago, a culture of dance, never before seen in this hemisphere, descended on a small town call Pembroke. This precipitous happening brought a lot of dance industry jobs to town. It became an immediate international hub for the evolution of dance. In fact, they called it 'the home of the dance'. They even had a sign made. But just as suddenly as the movement came, it was gone. And with it, went all of the jobs, the hope, and yes, even the soul of that poor little town, leaving behind only a scattered and direction-less few who, eventually... went feral. The dance devolved into what is now known around the hushed valleys of the region as 'fight dancing'. After decades of a savage, scavenger existence and unrepentant inbreeding, the townsfolk had all collectively gone quite mad.
And you sure you send Dan there?
I'm sure he'll fit right in.
Promise me you won't make a scene. [Dan yells and hits himself to the bank window] Did your head make that sound?
[Dan hits himself and makes a crack to the bank window]
LLady
That's supposed to be bulletproof.
[as the security guard is grabbing him] Let me go!
[another security guard grabs Chris and the 2 security guards angrily throw Dan and Chris out of the bank]
Wait, why did they throw me out?
[angrily] I'LL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!
Dan, that's disgusting! And impractical!
Oh, you have a better idea?
How about NOT eating their children!
You have no vision. That vexes me! But not as much as being out 50 cents. OH! We're gonna rob the bank.
That... is one of the worst ideas you've ever had, and you've had some doozies!
Name one! And don't say the jetpack, because that's gonna be awesome. [goes inside the car]
You are aware that they intentionally make banks very difficult places to steal from?
Which is why we'll discuss it over lunch, kick some ideas around, and then we'll come back and ROB the place!
Dan, listen to me: I'm not going to rob a bank with you!
Don't be so stubborn! Hey, what kind of mask do you wanna wear? And bear in mind if you don't choose, I'll choose one for you.
I made a promise to myself, and to Elise, that I wouldn't let you--
Bring a sense of purpose to your meaningless life? Let's go.
Chris! Quit acting suspicious!
I'm not! And quit using my name!
I think we should leave now.
We steal their pens. I sell them for 50 cents, and everything's as it should be.
But nothing! Be cool. Ready?
Dan, wait. That pen has a-
Now! Run for it! [he runs off but his pants rip off of him]
Hey! Where are my pants?! Oof! Get off me! [the security guard catches him]
Oh no. [the security guard catches him]
I think that went pretty well.
I do not appreciate being used as a human shield!
But you were born for it. You're so meaty!
I have been against this plan from day 1!
Don't be one of those sad clowns, Chris. Nobody likes those guys. Be a fun clown!
What are we going to do? I don't want to go to prison!
Well, you should have thought of that before breaking into a bank.
Let's not go blaming others- [Chris tackles him and he laughs] Your nose just- [Chris punches him] Ow! You know something? You're not invited on my next bank heist!
Now help me think of some demands to keep the cops busy. [picks up the phone] Hello, police? It's me. First off, I would like a baby tiger, some chestnuts, a rocket launcher.
[wakes up while he's sleeping as he hears a loud noise] Huh? Wha? Was that you, Mr. Mumbles? I need to stop feeding you tacos before bed. [Mr. Mumbles meows] Yes, I know you like them, but [raises a candy cane and hits it to the wall] KEEP IT DOWN, YOU JERKS! [feels something under his bed] Whoa! What was that? IS MY BED ON FIRE?! [sees something evil under his bed] Huh. Hey! I was going to eat that! Ah! Mr. Mumbles, we have a problem. Evacuation plan 14! Not 12! 14! [Mr. Mumbles hops over to Dan Good kitty. Now for my clothes. [a monster takes Dan's clothes away from him] Clothing's overrated anyway. Vamonos! [leaves his apartment] Hey! Whuuh!!! [gets scared by the monster and runs away]
LGLittle Girl
Mommy, there's a naked man outside!
Again! Call the police, there's a monster under my bed!
LGLittle Girl
[teases Dan] Baby. [giggles]
[screams outside as Elise and Chris hear him from outside] Whoa! Hey! Was that trap meant for me!? Elise, how could you? I almost- [screams again when he gets caught in a mousetrap] stupid, no good, reckless, trap setting!
[finds Dan outside] Hey, Dan What's new? Chris! How do I get out of this thing?
How do I get out of this thing?
You could try gnawing your own leg off.
You think this is funny?!
Elise calls it her "DAN TRAP.
Just get me out of here! And when's the last time someone mowed your grass? This is just slovenly.
You took our lawnmower apart to build a jet pack, remember?
And, It would have worked if you didn't have such a crappy lawnmower. Come with me.
Do you know what time it is?
I don't care what time it is! I need help. There is a monster under my bed! I know how it sounds! Do you? Because you said it anyway. Listen to me very carefully: I hate you. Also, THERE IS A MONSTER UNDER MY BED!
I promised Elise we'd have a Spa Week. Sort of a "stay-cation.
First off, that's not a real thing. Second, there's no time for your foolishness. I have just been ejected from my own domicile!
By a monster. Under your bed.
After you ruined our last vacation by getting us deported-
There's nothing to see in Rome!
I owe Elise a real, "Dan free" week of relaxation and fun. For once.
Then we had better settle this whole "monster" thing as quickly as possible, hadn't we?
[sighs] I'll get my keys.
Wait! Bring me some pants.
[Dan and Chris arrive at Dan's apartment late at night while Dan is dressed up in Chris' outfit]
LGLittle Girl
[teases Dan and Chris] Baby.
Don't you have parents? Do you see it?
The monster? No, but I can't see under your bed from here Plus, it's a figment of your imagination.
[opens the door but realizes that he is missing his keys] I left my keys inside.
Of course. [takes Chris' sandal off of Chris' foot]
What are you doing? Let go!
[gets the key out of Chris' sandal] Yuck. Wash your feet.
That's not okay, you know.
[as he and Chris enter his apartment] Stay in front of me. If this thing eats one of us, I want it to be you. Well?
I'm sure it was a very scary dream, Dan.
It wasn't a dream! It was right here!
Well, I'd check the closet, but I don't think there's room for a monster, what with all the garbage and everything.
It's not garbage until I throw it out!
I'm going home. [walks away]
Coward! Wait! Can we stay with you?
For how long? Until your imaginary monster leaves?
What are we suppose to do? Sleep in the car?
There's no monster under your bed, Dan. [leaves]
[runs to Chris and Elise's house] The monster's back! It thwacked me in the noggin! Come quick! Bring shotguns!
Did you run here again? You're covered in sweat.
The monster is back and I have physical proof! Look at my forehead!
Well, that is odd. Don't know if it's proof of monsters.
It did this with its tentacles! Would you please help me kill it now!?
If we don't help him, he's just going to keep coming over here in the middle of the night.
With my brand new air horn. [he blows his air horn loud and Elise throws it away from him]
[Dan, Chris, and Elise are at Dan's apartment looking for the monster]
Whatever the circumstances, it's nice to have both of you for a visit.
This isn't a visit, Dan. You won't let us sleep. That's coercion.
You say "tomato". Why is it so hard to get you guys to come over?
Because it's 2 in the morning.
So? Are we only friends during business hours? I visit you no matter what time it is. That's just good manners.
[while looking under the bed] There's nothing down here.
I don't know why you think Elise will be able to find a monster under your bed when clearly the whole thing is a product of your overburdened psyche.
Uh. Maybe not. [picks up a green thing with a tweezer]
Ha! A green thing! Overburdened psyche, indeed.
It's a scale, I think. But it's not from any reptile species I've ever seen.
See this, Chris? This is me not gloating.
IWe can't be sure until I run some tests at the lab, but I think you might owe Dan an apology.
I'll wait until the tests come back.
[drives Dan home while Dan yawns] Dan, you should really listen to Elise. Agsagoth is no joke.
First, he marks his victim with his tentacle. That's already happened.
What, this? This is just a bruise.
Then, he softens you up with extreme physical pain, and then the mark changes to his runic symbol.
Okay, when that happens, I'll worry.
[he and Dan arrive in front of Dan's apartment] No, when that happens, Agsagoth will appear and devour you.
[opens the door] Look, your concern is appreciated, but I have the situation under control.
[a monster throws a figure out of Dan's apartment, Dan and Chris find a figure outside as they find the real monster in Dan's apartment much to their shock]
