[Dan is hanging out with Hortence and her friends]
This is the best bridal shower ever, you guys.
RGRed Girl
You are going to make such a beautiful bride.
BGBlonde Girl
I love the china pattern you picked out. Don't you Dan?
Huh? Oh, sure. China pattern. Hortence, have you really thought about what you're doing?
I mean, there's such a big age difference between you two. Have you read the statistics about these things working out?
Or the statistical probability that someone who eats burgers for every meal is going to make it past 50?
Jeremiah's as healthy as a horse.
And why is he marrying someone so much younger, anyway? I think he's hiding something. Maybe you should call off the wedding until you figure out what it is. Just sayin'.
RGRed Girl
Oh, he's doing a roast! [laughs] How funny!
Oh! Okay. For a second there, I thought you were being really mean for no reason.
BGBlonde Girl
You know what we should do? Give Dan a makeover!
[voiceover] I DON'T WANT A MAKEOVER!
[after his face is covered with makeup by Hortence and the girls] You laugh, I attack.
[laughs] So, how was the bridal shower? [Dan punches him] Stop it! You're getting your makeup on me!
It's not my makeup! This was done against my will!
It's a good look for you.
Not one more word. They rouged me, Chris. I have been rouged! This is war.
And hey, you've already got your war paint. [Dan punches him]
[Dan and Chris are at Hortence's wedding]
Oh yes, thank you. [eats the shrimp puffs]
There's no time for that!
There's always time for shrimp puffs.
I need you to tell the Best Man there's a telephone call for him.
Mine. Sir, there's a telephone call for you.
Hurry back, we're all waiting to hear your Best Man toast.
[to a lady who walks up to him] Get your own!
[Dan captures a man as he covers him with a bag and puts him in the closet punching him]
Hortence, I need to talk to you. [using the microphone] Actually, I need to talk to all of you. I may not be the Best Man, but I'm the only man for this job.
Hello Dan, nice to see you! I heard you were going to be in our wedding!
[everyone gasps]
Dan! We're NOT making a scene, remember? We're leaving. As soon as I'm done with these canapes.
[Dan walks up to Hortence]
I'm sorry, Hortence, but you can't marry Jeremiah Burger. He's been lying to you.
I most certainly have not!
He has, and I have proof. [shows Hortence and Jeremiah a picture] Ladies and gentlemen of the wedding, Jeremiah Burger has been married, not once, not twice, but 6 times! So, come on. You can cry on my shoulder in the car.
Did you think I didn't know that!
I've met all of his exes. We're friends. That's them right there! [pan to Jeremiah's exes]
This really is unacceptable behavior. Especially from a bridesmaid.
[Dan gets kicked out by 2 men from the wedding]
Sheesh. Try to help someone out, and this is the thanks you get.
[comes over] I have never been so humiliated in all my life! You ruined my rehearsal dinner! I thought you were my friend.
Hortence, I just need to tell you something before you go through with this. I know you feel the same way about me that I do about you. I I--
[angrily] I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAAAAIN!
That's not how I feel about you!
[Dan gets ready to meet with Miss O'Houlihan]
OHMiss O'Houlihan
I'm not a saleswoman, I'm your neighbor and just now I came home to find my cat Poopsie stalling. [whines and freaks out]
I'm very sorry to hear that. Mrs.
OHMiss O'Houlihan
Miss O'Houlihan. Honey O'Houlihan. Nice to meet you.
I'm Dan. In speaking of me, why are you telling me this?
OHMiss O'Houlihan
I've seen you around the neighborhood with your cat. Did you understand each other like no human and feline I've ever seen. [feels Mr. Mumbles] I'm begging for your help. I've got nowhere else to turn. See?
DWDock Worker 1
We gotta take a look! You know what I heard what's inside?
DWDock Worker 2
For the last time, we ain't suppose to look in the crates!
DWDock Worker 1
I'll tell you what. I'll give you three hints.
DWDock Worker 2
Can we drop this?! I’m gonna be late for pilates!
DWDock Worker 1
Hint one: It's ain't supposed to exist Hint two: He's half spider, half man Hint three: He fights crime.
DWDock Worker 2
Give me a break! Spider-
DWDock Worker 1
Shhh! You're gonna wake him up.
DWDock Worker 2
He’s a fictional character!
DWDock Worker 1
Word on the dock is he's based on a real guy. I gotta get an autograph. [opens the latch as the dinosaur escapes]
DWDock Worker 2
You’re gonna need a bigger pen.
[finds Dan outside] Dan! Are you alright?
Absolutely not. I have been wronged Chris. Horribly, horribly, wrong!
Yeah, sorry about that. Ben's just-
I saw it with my own eyes. And I trust my eyes, Chris. A mid-sized tyrannosaurid theropod, probably female. She ruined my car and she's going to pay. I haven't figured out how exactly because I doubt a T-Rex carries a wallet. Not with those- stupid little arms.
You don't seriously expect me to believe you saw a dinosaur, do you?
Since when do I care what to believe? I just need a ride.
I'm in the middle of giving Ben a driving lesson.
Which is clearly a huge success. Besides, you hate Ben. You always talk about how annoying he is behind his back.
I am giving Ben a lesson because I love my brother-in law and because Elise has a work thing.
This is perfect! Ben needs to drive around town, I need to get around town. Question is: are you willing to drive fast, break the law as necessary and avoid dinosaur attacks?
BBen
I mean, I've avoided them up to now.
Dan, Ben can't have any distractions while he's driving. That includes chasing your hallucinations.
Get in, Ben. There's no room in this car for doubting Thomases.
[Ben gets inside Chris' car]
I don't know what you think you saw, but it's scientifically impossible for dinosaurs to exist.
Turn off the idiot-box, Chris. We have work to do.
Just once, I'd like you to open with "Hey, Chris! How are you today?"
Grow up. We have to end stupidity in this country once and for- What are you watching? Is that guy eating a bucket of mayonnaise?
It's a competitive eating contest. Want to watch with us?
This is your "must-see" television show?
Yep. The Gullet Bowl. What? It's good.
I'm not going to say anything, Chris. I'm just going to give you the slow, sad, head-shake of disapproval.
What are you doing here, Dan?
What are YOU doing here, Elise? I could see Chris watching this drivel, but I'd expect better from you.
Oh, he's not just watching it.
He's going to compete this year. That's right! In the deep-fried bacon eating contest. I've finally found my sport!
There are so many things wrong with that statement I don't even know where to begin. You actually want him to do this?
Of course not. It's terrible for his health. But you can't stand between Chris and empty calories.
I come over here to enlist your aid in destroying the stupidity epidemic, and instead I find myself knee-deep in it!
It's not an epidemic, Dan.
Sure it is! And it's getting worse. Every aspect of our society is serving to make us dumber.
Spell-check means you don't have to spell. People don't use encyclopedias, they just get the wrong information from the Internet!
Dan, could you move? You're blocking the TV.
AOAnnouncer on TV
Wow, folks, Thompson's just CRAMMING those fishsticks into his gullet He's the one to beat.
Listen to you! Our whole society is getting dumber as we speak. TV shows just quote older TV shows.
Even if you're right, Dan, how do you expect to-
AOAnnouncer on TV
We now pause for breaking news from the Government Action Center for Action in Los Angeles.
Aw, I wanted to see how the contest ends!
With clogged arteries for the contestants.
AOAnnouncer on TV
Let's go live to the Governor of California, with a special announcement.
Well, hello. My fellow Californians. I'll get right to it. Due to budget cuts, the school year is being downsized to 3 months. Also, textbooks will be replaced by the Internet. So, uh, that's happening. [laughs] Yes sir.
MMan
Mr. Governor? Is this a good idea? Further cuts in education?
Are you saying you WANT higher taxes?
MMan
I'm just asking if the school system will be able to-
I don't know about that, son. I just let the teachers teach. Because unlike you, I believe in America.
MMan
I believe in America, too. It's good, then we're in agreement.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
AOAnnouncer on TV
Thank you Governor! And now, back to the Gullet Bowl!
I think I know where to start. Come on, Chris, let's go talk to the Governor.
I should get something to eat anyway. Gotta stretch out the guts. [walks out of the house]
You have no idea. He's been sweating bacon fat.
[Dan and Chris head inside the Action Center for Action]
I demand to see the Governor.
BFAgent Bro-face
Whizza-what?
BFAgent Bro-face
Happy-pologies, scuba tank. No doma. Yerba mat-tay.
This is going nowhere. I think physical violence is our only recourse.
[Dan angrily grabs the Agent Bro-face's shirt]
BFAgent Bro-face
Hey! Don't squeezy the cheesy, bro faces!
[angrily] I WANT TO SEE THE GOVERNOR!
Uh, maybe I can help you with that. [laughs]
I don't know what the correct greeting is for a governor. Do you curtsy?
So, uh, why are you assaulting my work release volunteer?
That is not important. I am a constituent and I have some grievances. Which you, as an elected official, are legally required to listen to and resolve.
I don't think he's legally-
Of course, son. I'd, well, I'd love to hear your complaints.
Just e-mail them to my office and I promise they'll be read.
[yelling] BY WHOM, THIS GUY?!
BFAgent Bro-face
Like I can read.
That's not good enough. I demand immediate and comprehensive attention.
[Dan and Chris get kicked out of the Action Center for Action by the Governor of California]
Hey! Let go! Ow! Well, I'm sure not voting for that guy again.
[Dan and Chris are sitting together at a diner]
I think I'm going with a double order of mozzarella sticks, some onion rings, and a large fries. Hey, when it gets here, time me!
[furious] Ugh! For the last time, no!
An athlete needs a support network, Dan. Don't you want to me my athletic supporter?
I need to find out if I have what it takes. I mean, I'm a pretty gifted amateur, but some of these guys have been training since childhood.
[the Governor of California heads to the diner]
[Dan and Chris walk up to the Governor of California]
And that's why, back on the farm, they used to-
So, Governor, we meet again.
We're here to talk to you about concerns we have regarding the growing stupidity epidemic.
Well, heh, I always have time for constituents.
Okay, first off, Chihuahuas are not real dogs.
So anyone who purchases one should be thrown in jail.
I'll have to take a look at the polling on that one.
Second, we can't cut education any further. We're falling behind the rest of the world in math and science at an alarming rate.
Good. Science is for nerds. And hypocrites.
Scientists. You know they say Pluto's not even a planet anymore? We're down a planet because of them! Do you have any idea what effect that will have on our economy?
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for Humongobots 6.
Oh, I never joke about Humongobots, son. I saw the first 5. Or maybe I saw one of 'em 5 times. [laughs] I'm not sure!
You are part of the problem!
I don't hate America, I love America! That's why I want to make it better!
You can't improve on perfection! I read that on the inside of an iced tea bottle cap! USA! USA!
GCGovernor of California and Chris
USA! USA! USA! USA!
[Dan and Chris are in the storage room]
There has to be something here we can use as a weapon.
I'm just seeing a lot of video games. Most of which I own.
Ah, ha! [picks up the fire ant farm] New plan. We tie the Governor down and put fire ants down his pants until he agrees to stop making us dumber. Ooh! Ooh! What did you find? A weapon?
[picks up a mini-fryer] A mini-fryer!
It's a portable deep-fat fryer! This is really going to take my eating game to the next level.
Come on, let's get back to the Governor's office so we can ambush him.
[Dan and Chris are at the Governor's office with their equipment]
[takes out the fire ant farm from the box] Yes, my pretties. Soon you will have a target for your horrible, painful bites. Yesss.
I'm going to make sure this thing works. [he plugs the fryer as he and Dan quickly hide as the Governor of California comes]
[whispering] He's coming! Get ready!
[he gets the fryer from the Governor of California's desk but he realizes that his butt is on fire] Oh, no. [he runs around in circles] Ahh! Ahhh! I'm on fire! Help me!
I'm on it, buddy! [he uses the fire extinguisher to spray Chris but he misses] When are you going to learn to hold still!? [shocked as there is fire ants on his fire] You were supposed to be on MY side! Ow! I'll teach you to bite me, you little pests! Ow! Ow! [he hits himself with a stick while Chris is running around as the Governor of California comes in his office]
[on the phone] Our work in America is finished. Pack up. We're moving all stupidity operations to China. Pardon me.
[gets tripped by the Governor of California] Wahhh-oof! [as fire is off him] Thank you.
You’re quite welcome. There's a garden hose out back. You can wash the ants off.
[voiceover] I'll get you for this!
Highly unlikely! Good day. [leaves his office]
[the doctor picks up Chris with an ice pack on his butt]
BFAgent Bro-face
I spent 10 months undercover and you ruin it in one day. Do you have any idea of what this investigation cost the taxpayers?
BFAgent Bro-face
I'm out of here. Dancing Shadow.
Agent Bro-Face. How are you? Okay, I guess. I know what will make you feel better. Let's get you some deep-fried bacon.
[on the phone, walking around, furious] For the last time, I'm not looking for a great career! [Chris' drives by Dan's apartment] It's too much work! [hangs up] Aargh!! [to Chris] You would not believe the morning I had!
Oh? Did you finally realize that your anger is a defense mechanism that prevents you from meaningful introspection?
No. What are you--?! Never mind. I have been inundated with-- [his phone rings] Arrgh! One second. Hello? No, I do not want a subscription to "Knitting Today!" These stupid telemarketers have been calling me every 5 minutes since 9 this morning! And, call me crazy here, but they all sound like the same guy.
Yes. Telemarketers are wretched, soulless creatures, indistinguishable from one another, kept alive by evil magics to plague the world of the living.
Weren't you a telemarketer?
[picks up the call] Hello?
[on phone] Hello, sir. Would you love to donate to the "Save the Tapeworms" foundation? Hmm?
Give me your phone. That should do it. I put you on the super-do-not-call list. It blocks your number from every telemarketing phone bank in the country.
