[Dan and Chris arrive at Dan's apartment late at night while Dan is dressed up in Chris' outfit]
LGLittle Girl
[teases Dan and Chris] Baby.
Don't you have parents? Do you see it?
The monster? No, but I can't see under your bed from here Plus, it's a figment of your imagination.
[opens the door but realizes that he is missing his keys] I left my keys inside.
Of course. [takes Chris' sandal off of Chris' foot]
What are you doing? Let go!
[gets the key out of Chris' sandal] Yuck. Wash your feet.
That's not okay, you know.
[as he and Chris enter his apartment] Stay in front of me. If this thing eats one of us, I want it to be you. Well?
I'm sure it was a very scary dream, Dan.
It wasn't a dream! It was right here!
Well, I'd check the closet, but I don't think there's room for a monster, what with all the garbage and everything.
It's not garbage until I throw it out!
I'm going home. [walks away]
Coward! Wait! Can we stay with you?
For how long? Until your imaginary monster leaves?
What are we suppose to do? Sleep in the car?
There's no monster under your bed, Dan. [leaves]
[runs to Chris and Elise's house] The monster's back! It thwacked me in the noggin! Come quick! Bring shotguns!
Did you run here again? You're covered in sweat.
The monster is back and I have physical proof! Look at my forehead!
Well, that is odd. Don't know if it's proof of monsters.
It did this with its tentacles! Would you please help me kill it now!?
If we don't help him, he's just going to keep coming over here in the middle of the night.
With my brand new air horn. [he blows his air horn loud and Elise throws it away from him]
[Dan, Chris, and Elise are at Dan's apartment looking for the monster]
Whatever the circumstances, it's nice to have both of you for a visit.
This isn't a visit, Dan. You won't let us sleep. That's coercion.
You say "tomato". Why is it so hard to get you guys to come over?
Because it's 2 in the morning.
So? Are we only friends during business hours? I visit you no matter what time it is. That's just good manners.
[while looking under the bed] There's nothing down here.
I don't know why you think Elise will be able to find a monster under your bed when clearly the whole thing is a product of your overburdened psyche.
Uh. Maybe not. [picks up a green thing with a tweezer]
Ha! A green thing! Overburdened psyche, indeed.
It's a scale, I think. But it's not from any reptile species I've ever seen.
See this, Chris? This is me not gloating.
IWe can't be sure until I run some tests at the lab, but I think you might owe Dan an apology.
I'll wait until the tests come back.
[drives Dan home while Dan yawns] Dan, you should really listen to Elise. Agsagoth is no joke.
First, he marks his victim with his tentacle. That's already happened.
What, this? This is just a bruise.
Then, he softens you up with extreme physical pain, and then the mark changes to his runic symbol.
Okay, when that happens, I'll worry.
[he and Dan arrive in front of Dan's apartment] No, when that happens, Agsagoth will appear and devour you.
[opens the door] Look, your concern is appreciated, but I have the situation under control.
[a monster throws a figure out of Dan's apartment, Dan and Chris find a figure outside as they find the real monster in Dan's apartment much to their shock]
[closes his apartment as a monster roars] I think we should run.
That was close. [he and Dan run off]
LGLittle Girl
[teases Dan again as Dan runs off] Baby.
[Dan angrily screams in front of the little girl's face which causes her to cry]
[Dan and Chris are in the car]
Monsters. They live under your bed, but they never kick in for the rent.
Are you ready to listen to me now? That creature was identical to the one in the book.
I'll admit, there was some passing resemblance.
If you don't get rid of that thing, it's going to devour you.
I just don't understand why he started terrorizing me. What did I ever do to Agsagoth?
[stops the car and shows Dan a page of the book] Does this look familiar?
No. Should it? [he and Chris both get out of the car]
This is the scratch you put in our car last week.
Not allegedly, Dan. Actually. The scratch is identical to the Ancient Sumerian symbol. It must have caught the attention of Agsagoth the Devourer.
Dan! If you have read the book, you'd know it needs to be you that fixes the scratch, since you put it there.
You called this creature here, and now it's marked you. Have you forgotten the next steps?
Physical agony, the mark changes, the beast eats me, blah, blah, blah.
So, do you want to get rid of the monster or not?
Of course I do! But I don't see how a scratch on YOUR car- [Dan's stomach growls] Ohh! My guts!
It's the second step! Let me see your forehead!
How am I suppose to look at my own forehead, you jerk! [Chris lifts him and puts him in the car]
[sees his scratch in the mirror] Oh, come on!
[at the end, Chris and Elise are relaxing at the spa]
Aahh.. Dan should just about be reading my letter by now.
He's going to be really mad.
He's got to start listening to me. Every once in a while, anyway.
I'm really proud of you for standing up to Dan, however indirectly.
Yeah, I'm not really good at direct confrontation. Besides, all's well that ends well.
[angrily yelling as the episode ends] CHRIS!!!
Why are you wasting time at a stupid golf place? Mr. Mumbles' birthday party is 48 hours away and we don't even have a theme!
I'm not wasting time, I'm playing golf. It's my new hobby!
For the last time, your hobby is being my sidekick!
[comes by] Hey C-man - is this vagrant bothering you?
Uh, no sir. Dan, this is my boss, Mr. Bainbridge. Mr. Bainbridge, this is my impertinent friend, Dan.
Son, that is not why it's called a driving range. [chuckles]
Chris, I am going to count to 3. 1, [a golf ball smashes Dan's car windshield] WHO DID THAT?! I want a name! [he gets hit by a golf ball] GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLF!!!
[dressed up like a Scottish Golfer, Scottish Accent] I don't see no wedge, mate. Nothing in here but golf clubs. [phone rings] Aye aye? This be him. No, I already get long distance service. Yes, I'll hear you out.
[Scottish Accent] Aye, sir.
[Scottish Accent] What did ye say? Nay, I will not accept a bribe from ye!
[Scottish Accent] This hooligan tried to pay me to raise his score.
You mean lower his score?
[Scottish Accent] Um, sure.
[Scottish Accent] I completely agree.
Why would you pay your caddy to lower your score? He should do it for free.
[Scottish Accent] Who's Dan? I'm Scotty the Scot.
[takes off hat and sunglasses, normal voice] Not until you quit playing golf forever!
Chris, what is your impertinent friend doing here?
Stay out of this, fancy pants! This is between me and Chris!
And security! [two security guards use binoculars, Mr. Bainbridge points at Dan]
You'll never take me alive!
PRPrescott Richman IV
But, even though Nigel almost got eaten by a lion, it was probably my best birthday ever.
That does sound like a good birthday.
No thanks, I'm pretty full.
I really think you should have one.
OK, Dan. I never thought I'd say this, but you were right. We need to break Chris of his golf habit. [Dan mumbles] What do you mean, "eh?"
I mean a few hours ago I would have agreed with you. But now, I see golf for what it really is. Massages, jaccuzzis, and my new friend, Prescott Richman IV.
You really think some rich slob can replace Chris?
Can and has. [walks away]
PRPrescott Richman IV
Dan! There you are! Nigel almost went looking for you.
Hey, Pres, after the jacuzzi, let's go shopping for my cat's birthday party.
PRPrescott Richman IV
Sorry, I've got a blimp regatta in an hour. Plus, I'm more of a dog person.
So Dan, this is our new gym. What do you think?
I think there's a whole room full of people on bicycles going nowhere!
They're called stationary bikes.
It's to get your heart rate up.
That sounds dangerously irresponsible! I'm leaving. [he tries to leave but Chris grabs him] Get your sticky paws off me!
Give the gym a chance. You said just yesterday you've been feeling fat.
That was said in confidence!
