A character in Dan Vs.
Voiced by Dave Foley
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Dan Vs.: in 171 of its 241 quotes
Most scenes with: Dan (156), Elise (70), Timmy (6)
[Dan, Chris, and Elise arrive at the lake]
This is it. It's beautiful! Yeah, the perfect place to relax. There he is, my archnemesis. [while looking at the lake through Chris' binoculars] Becky? Wait a minute! [he yells and destroys Chris' binoculars]
ChrisMy binoculars!
What is it, Dan?
It's Becky! The barber's her father!
[Chris and Elise have been arrested]
ChrisThis is all a misunderstanding.
We're very sorry about all this.
Chris. Hey, Chris.
ChrisNow is not a good time, Dan. We're being arrested. What did you do?
What did you do?
ChrisWe didn't do anything. You told us you rented this cabin.
Oh, right. I lied about that. Hey, when you get done at the police station, can you help me break into the barber's cabin? I messed up, and now-
ChrisI am not helping you do anything ever again.
We both know you don't mean-
Chris[as the police takes him to the police car] Still think he turned a corner?
That is your last I told you so. One more, and you join Dan in a shallow grave.
ChrisWeren't you wearing handcuffs a second ago?
Amateurs.
[Chris is massaging Elise's back]
ChrisHmm. You're so tense.
I did just spend a day in jail.
ChrisYeah, well, let's just forget all about-
[notices Dan] Dan!
ChrisExactly.
No, Dan's hiding in our bushes again. I swear I'm going to set a bear trap in there someday.
Chris[walks by and opens the door to see Dan hiding in their bushes] Come on in, Dan.
[Dan enters]
Phew! Nice to be in a place where they don't want to kill you. [sits on the couch]
[pulls the coffee table away from Dan] I wouldn't assume that.
For the last time, I'm sorry about the cabin. Also, for the first time. [eats grapes]
ChrisAre you sorry because you lied to us or are you just saying sorry because you need our help?
Look, what's important is barbers have a shadowy, secret organization.
Sure, the Hallowed Society of Barber Surgeons.
ChrisHow did you know that?
Eh. The good news is that any organization like that is bound to have a rigid code of conduct. If you can find out what the rules are, you can exploit them.
Great! Will you help me?
Nope.
Oh, please! I'll do anything. I'll... I'll rent you a cabin. For real.
[Elise closes book, looks at Chris]
[Dan and Chris arrive at an art museum]
ChrisI can't believe she thinks I have bad taste. Well, when I get back from this museum, I'll be the most educated, refined art lover that ever lived. She'll see. I mean, it's just art. How complicated could it be? What's this supposed to be, a steering wheel? This isn't helping at all. How am I supposed to tell the good art from the bad?
It's all bad. All right, back to basics. [he gets ready to light up a painting but a old security guard takes it away from him] Huh?
No open flames in the museum. [walks away with Dan's lighter]
Hey, that's my favorite lighter. You think I won't hurt an old man? I'll hurt an old man. [the security guard picks him up] Unhand me! He's getting away.
[Chris is staring at a picture of a flower, then, Dan and Chris are sitting at an museum's bench]
Chris[while eating a fake burger] Museum food tastes like plastic.
Another reason why art must suffer.
[walks up to Dan and Chris] You can't touch the art.
Um, neither of us are touching any art, grandpa.
First of all, that's my grandpa, not yours, and second, you're sitting on a one-of-a-kind masterpiece.
The bench? The bench is art now?
And the sandwich.
Chris[gasps] Oh. Sorry.
Wasn't there also an apple pie?
[when Chris' stomach gumbles, the security guard kick Dan and Chris out of the museum]
ChrisThis whole art thing is just so frustrating. It's giving me a stomachache. I think some of that exhibit was toxic.
[reads the poster] That's him. That's the guy I should be after, the so-called "artist" who ruined my car. Come on, Chris.
ChrisI don't know. I should probably go to the hospital. I ate a whole plastic pie.
No time. We have a mission. To make Art Artstein art history. Let's go. [he bumps himself to the street painting]
[Dan and Chris are having a split-screen phone chat]
ChrisWhat now?
There's no way to ruin art.
ChrisWhat do you mean? We ruined it.
I thought we did, but somehow we made it better.
ChrisWait. People liked our pointless squiggles? But if that's art and benches are art and sunflowers are sometimes art and then some art can be eaten even though it shouldn't be, then-- but-- I am never going to figure this out.
If there's no way to ruin art that already exists, I'll have to cut it off at its source. Art Artstein, prepare for a close encounter of the Dan kind.
ChrisI guess if anyone could explain art to me, it'd be someone named Art.
ChrisYou know, maybe working in a cupcake shop won't be so bad.
Yes, it will be.
ChrisIt'll give me a chance to get to know Don, see what he's like once you get past that gruff exterior.
There's a gruff interior that's exactly the same.
ChrisOh well, at least I'll be surrounded by-
You won't be allowed to eat any of the cupcakes.
ChrisWait, I'll be surrounded by food all day and not allowed to eat it?
That's the food industry for you.
ChrisThat sounds like one of the circles of Dante's Inferno.
Only less fun.
Hey! What are you doing? I said be discreet.
ChrisI'm trying to chew quietly.
Never mind that. I've found something for you to do.
ChrisOh, you're the best.
Don't eat that! I just put knockout powder on those. I need you to deliver them to the sous-chefs guarding the vault. Then open the door for Dan. You think you can handle that?
Chris[sighs] You know, I'm sorry. This is not how I pictured our anniversary.
I have a confession to make. Until you mentioned it, I didn't know today was our anniversary.
ChrisWait. Until you mentioned it, I didn't know it was our anniversary either.
Is it our anniversary?
ChrisI don't know. Let's think. What did we do on our last anniversary.
We were going to go to a party, but Dan wouldn't get out of our walls.
ChrisRight. And the year before, we were gonna go to a picnic.
And we spent the whole day with the bail bondsman.
ChrisYeah, Dan had that whole nun thing.
You know what? I's not our anniversary.
ChrisAnd do you know what else? I don't care. I don't want to wait for a special occasion to take my beautiful wife out to dinner.
You are so sweet. Now go knock out those guards.
[Dan is sent to court, Judge bangs his gravel]
Do you realize how much trouble you are in, young man?!
Your honor, I don't see what the big deal is.
You crashed your car through the wall of a church while a wedding was in progress!
It wasn't my fault! There was a nun crossing the street against the light. I was going to run her over.
And you were swerving to avoid her?
[smiling] Yes.
All right. Well, in that case, I will suspend your sentence in exchange for 40 hours of community service.
Community service!? What has this community ever done for me!?
ChrisDan, no. Take the deal.
NO WAY!
Have it your way. Trial will start one week from today at 9:00 a.m.
Could we do it a little later? I like to sleep in, watch some TV...
Get him out of my sight!
[gets grabbed by security guards] Let go! [gets kicked out of court]
We'll find this guy. Then you'll see I'm not crazy.
ChrisI'm sure we will, Dan. And then what?
Simple. I hit him over the head and take my clothes back.
ChrisLeaving the “Good Dan” nude and vulnerable. Textbook.
[furious] Stop analyzing me! For the last time, there is an imposter!
Dan, is that you?
Aw, come on!
Oh, thank you so much for mowing my yard last week. Here, have a mint.
Lady, you can take your mint and-
ChrisWhoa okay. Calm down. Ma'am, are you sure this is the Dan who mowed your lawn?
That's him. He spent three hours at my house on Thursday.
ChrisThank you, ma'am. That's him.
She was like a hundred years old! It doesn't prove anything!
Eh, hi, Dan!
Oh, what now?
Hey everybody, Dan's here! On behalf of the whole neighborhood, we want to thank you for everything you've done lately. Let's hear it for Dan!
[opens the door] May I help you?
ChrisHe's real!
What are you doing in my apartment?
Oh, well, this is my apartment. Everything that you used to have is mine. I'm Dan now. You're going to have to find yourself a NEW identity.
Why would anyone want to be Dan?
I'm so glad you asked that, Elise. And by the way, you don't look anything like the unflattering drawings Dan has of you in his journal.
You've been reading my journal?
What does he mean, "unflattering"?
You ask, why Dan? Well, most people have a network of friends and family who know and love them, making it near impossible to steal their identities, but Dan here is off-putting and angry.
[turns red, yelling] OFF-PUTTING?! ANGRY!?
That's just the tip of the iceberg. Tell me, what do you have to show for your lifetime of apathy and petty vengeance?
Well, I... I have a foosball table... so I got that going for me.
You don't even like foosball.
He's right. I'm an air hockey man.
You have alienated everyone in your life except for Chris and Elise, and I have a feeling at least one of them is gettable.
ATTACK! [he gets ready to fight with Imposter Dan but Elise stops him]
Let's hear him out. What exactly do you want?
Oh, I've already got it. A place to live, a television. A kitty who loves me, and friends all over the neighborhood, friends who know me as Dan, the neighbor who cares; Dan, the neighbor who lives in apartment 8. So, if you don't leave immediately, I'll be forced to shoot you in self-defense. Good day. [closes the door and locks it]
ChrisThat last part sounded a little like you.
Your probably wondering why I'm wearing face paint and attacking you with a plastic toy hatchet?
ChrisOh, is it "Put on Face Paint and Attack Your Best Friend with a Hatchet Day" already?
That's not till January. It's Dismemberfest.
ChrisAh, the horror film festival.
You got it. Slasher Cats starts at noon tomorrow, followed by Eek! The Murderer.
ChrisI can't go this year, Dan. Elise's parents are taking us on a camping trip.
You have got to be kidding me.
ChrisHey, I'm not happy about it either. Although I must admit I don't like those movies anyway.
But it's no fun going to slasher movies by myself.
ChrisSorry, but I have an opportunity to finally get Don and Elise Sr. to like me.
When are you going to learn they are your in-laws-- natural enemies, like sharks and robots?
ChrisAnyway, we're going up to Lake Sequester - for the weekend, and-
Whoa, whoa. Where?
ChrisLake Sequester.
Oh, you won't go to slasher movies, but you'll go there?
ChrisSure.
Why not? Are you kidding me? It's where the Hockey Mask Maniac ran amuck 10 years ago. It's the basis for the goriest, bloodiest, most iconic slasher movie of them all, The Campground Chain Saw Unpleasantness.
ChrisOkay, you should go now.
Well, I'm not leaving until you agree to- [Chris lifts him] Hey, let me go! Unhand me, I say!
ChrisI'm going on the family camping trip, Dan, and that's final. [leaves]
FAMILY CAMPING TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!!!!!!!
Chris[opens the window and finds Dan outside] Perfect timing.
If we leave now, we can still catch Stabbo the Clown. Now climb out of the window, and let's go.
ChrisI am not going with you! I am going to Lake Sequester!
To be hunted by a chain saw-wielding maniac.
ChrisThey caught him years ago.
Or so they think.
ChrisYou're just trying to give me nightmares.
Look, this whole insane quest of yours is pointless. Your in-laws will never respect you.
ChrisI have to try.
I just hate to see you expending such an enormous amount of effort in what is ultimately a futile pursuit. It's not healthy.
ChrisHave a good weekend, Dan.
[Dan yells after Chris closes the window on his fingers]
[Chris, Elise, and Elise's parents are heading to camp]
So this should be a good time of year to spot bears.
ChrisIsn't spotting bears a bad thing when you're camping?
Don't tell me you're scared of bears.
ChrisI am, actually. Generally speaking, I'm afraid of anything that can eat me. Bears, sharks, cannibals.
Stop worrying about bears. We just got to make sure we hang our food from a tree every night.
If you think you can make it 10 hours without a snack.
They're tagging the bears this summer.
ChrisLike spray-painting them? That seems mean.
No, they're luring them in with artificial hormones and fitting them with radio transponders.
It's to track their migratory patterns.
ChrisAh.
Speaking of feral creatures, how's your friend Dan?
[while on his way to camp] The trick to any successful campaign, Mr. Mumbles, is the element of surprise. [Mr. Mumbles meows] I think it was Sun Tzu who said- [the truck horn honks as Mr. Mumbles screeches]
I only ask because he seems to be following us.
Oh, you've got to be kidding me. I'll handle this.
[Dan and Elise both stop their cars in the middle of the road]
What was that? Are you trying to kill me?
Don't tempt me.
What are you doing here?
Obviously, I'm sneaking up on you. Just give me what is rightfully mine, and I'll go.
What do you want exactly?
Chris.
I don't know. Sounds reasonable.
Don, stop it. We are not giving him Chris, even if we'd like to.
ChrisDan, this is really unacceptable.
It's all your fault.
ChrisThis is not my fault.
It's kind of your fault. He's your friend.
If you'd just come with me to Dismemberfest.
Okay, let's go. Dan, you are not invited on this camping trip, don't follow.
Your not the boss of me, lady. I go where I plea- Hey! Is that my car battery? I'LL PUT YOU ON THE LIST! I'LL PUT ALL OF YOU ON THE LIST!
[Dan arrives at Burgerphile with his cheeseburger]
Oh, hey. Haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?
Great. Well, not great, but good. Well, not good, despondent. You look nice. Anyway, I just went through drive-thru and you guys got my order wrong. Well, not you, specifically, I mean--
What seems to be the problem here?
This gentleman got the wrong order.
That's impossible. I'm pretty sure the mistake is on your end, sir.
What?! This burger has cheese on it! I'm allergic to cheese.
You must have forgotten to ask for it without cheese.
I would never forget to ask that! It was the first thing I said!
Look, sir. I don't want to call you a liar, but I have a perfect record of customer service. No mistakes. Jeremiah Burger, founder, president, chairman, and CEO of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited, once personally commended my unblemished track record.
I don't care if you sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus! You messed up! Either give me what I paid for or give me my money back!
Well, neither of those things are going to happen. Mac, Carl. Please escort this gentleman off the premises.
[Mac and Carl grab Dan]
This is an outrage! I demand satisfaction!
I'm really sorry, sir.
Don't apologize to him.
Sorry, sir.
I'll get you for this! I will have my cheese-less burger and you shall be blemished, sir! Blemished! [gets thrown outside]
ChrisHow'd it go?
BURGERPHILLLLLLLLLLLE!!!
[people are protesting with Dan]
Say "no" to pickle burgers!
You sing it, sister! Pickles are gross! Hey guys! Over here!
[Chris and Elise arrive at Burgerphile crowded with protestors and find Dan tied up with Hortence]
Wow, Dan. You've really started something.
Yup. I think they're about to cave. They're so busy fielding complaints, they're not even serving food.
ChrisOh. We were going to grab dinner.
Oh, don't worry. We can just go across the street. I see you've made a new friend, Dan.
I'm Hortense. Dan's girlfriend.
Wow, Dan. Way to go.
Why are you so surprised? The ladies love me. What? They do.
[goes in] Ladies and gentlemen. While admitting no wrong-doing on the parts of Burgerphile, wholly owned subsidiary of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited International Incorporated, a division of Drax Chemical and Munitions Corporation, we realize some of our customers are not completely satisfied. So please, enjoy the table of complimentary cheeseburgers outside. [protestors excitedly leave, but gets tricked]
Hey, there's no table!
[locks all the door] Checkmate!
Please, every revolution has a few weak links. But these won't break, nor will I.
Well, we'll just see about that.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dan Vs. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
