Barber quotes from Dan Vs.

Dan

[at the barber shop having his haircut] 1 haircut, my good man, and make me look dashing. Sounds like somebody's got a date. Well, hop up. I do have a date. She's cute, and she likes zombie spaghetti westerns, a cinematic subgenre of which I consider myself a connoisseur. We are going to see "A Fistful of Brains" tonight. She sounds like the perfect girl. Don't I know it. And pretty too.

Why do you have her driver's license?

Dan

To run a background check, make sure she's not a serial killer or an organ donor. They don't always wait till you're dead, you know. Possibly the future ex-Mrs. Dan if she plays her cards right.

Well, don't worry. I'll make sure you look nice and handsome for your date. [cuts his hair with a razor offscreen]

Dan

[inside the barber shop] NOOOO! You made me a monster!

Wait! You forgot your lollipop!

Dan

[runs off and hides his haircut using his shirt until he sees himself in the puddle] Maybe it's not so bad. [he walks off until he sees a lady with a baby as the baby cries at Dan's horrible haircut]

My apologies, sir. She is usually so calm. I am so sorry about your obviously horrible, grotesquely disfiguring accident. [the lady leaves]

Dan

BARBER!!!

Dan

Well, it took a lot of work but I got even with the barber. Now I can sleep. Good night, Mr. Mumbles.

Hello, Dan.

I'm not gonna hurt you, Dan... yet!

Dan

Oddly, that's less reassuring than I'd like it to be.

I am here to declare a barber vendetta on you.

Dan

Barber vendetta?

Did you think barbers just cut hair? [pulls out razor]

Dan

Of course not. They also sing in quartets. Oh!

since the dawn of Western civilization, barber surgeons were responsible for surgery, [stabs poster with a scissor] dentistry [stabs couch with a razor] and bloodletting. Bloodletting, Dan. You have insulted me, Dan! I am here to declare the Hallowed Society [pulls of Dan's beanie] of Barber Surgeons is going to end your life! Soon! [puts on beanie] And you won't see it coming! Sleep well. [leaves]