CordeliaThis isn't right, school on a Saturday. It throws off my internal clock.
When are we gonna need computers for real life, anyway?
Hmm. Let's see. There's home, school, work, games.
You know, computers are on their way out. I think paper's gonna make a big comeback.
Yeah, you know, you don't see enough abaci. [scoffs]
Alright, guys, the first thing we're gonna do is... Buffy.
Huh? Did I fall asleep already?
Aw, you miss your friends?
Sit here, Buffs. Demilitarize the zone between me and Cordelia.
Cordelia
Yeah, and delouse him while you're at it.
Actually, I wanted to talk to you for a second.
Is there some crisis that requires instant action, very far from here?
Well, he's all right, isn't he?
I don't know. He didn't show up when he was supposed to last night, and then, when I went over to his place, he was acting... well, very anti-Giles. He wouldn't let me in, and he looked really bad. I think he might have been... I think he was drinking.
He was home alone drinking?
Yup. Yup, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be would as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night it was booze, whores and fur flying. Were there whores?
So, none of you guys have noticed anything different lately?
You haven't seem anything weird?
Cordelia
No, he seemed perfectly normal yesterday when I saw him talking to the police.
And you waited till now to tell us this because...?
Cordelia
I didn't think it was important.
We understand. It wasn't about you.
What were the police talking to him about?
Cordelia
Oh, don't tell me I know this one. Um... Something about, a homicide.
That's it. I'm calling him right now.
Cordelia
I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?
That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.
Cordelia
Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi and your punching bag.
I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.
Cordelia
You know what? I'm going. I'd rather be worm food than look at your pathetic face!
Then go! I'm not stopping you!
Cordelia
I bet you wouldn't. I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself!
Not just any girl. You're special.
Cordelia
I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on Earth here with you!
I hope these are my last few moments. Three more seconds with you and I'm gonna...
Cordelia
"I'm gonna" what? [steps closer] Coward!
Cordelia
I hate you!
[They kiss]
...We so need to get out of here!
Cordelia
[nods, frightened] Uh huh.
Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
I just wanna learn stuff.
Cordelia
Like how to build your own serial killer?
Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.
Cordelia
I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have...
Cordelia
Well, not for fun! But she's, like, this Superman! Shouldn't there be different rules for her?
Sure, in a fascist society.
Cordelia
Right! Why can't we have one of those?
Buffy's not going to jail. It's not fair.
Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself. She's taken a human life. The guilt, it... it's, it's pretty hard to bear, and it won't go away soon.
Cordelia
I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time?
Yes. Do let's bring that up as often as possible.
So, I'm Ted, the sickly loser. I'm dying, and my wife dumps me. I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker o' love until she dies, and then he keeps bringing her back over and over. Now, now that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.
The sad part is, the real Ted must have been a genius. There were design features in that robot that predate--
Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.
Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good.
I just wanna learn stuff.
Cordelia
Like how to build your own serial killer?
Well, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.
Cordelia
Can't we just drop the subject?
Absolutely. I plan to forget the whole thing and pick up right where we left off. Okay. That's it. I give up. Do I have to sound an air horn everytime I walk into a room? I mean, what is it with grown-ups these days?
[Xander and Cordelia snickering]
Cordelia
Harmony, shut up. [Xander looks back] Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.
Cordelia
You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? [Xander smiles] I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is. [Xander stops smiling]
That is wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our Ds.
Cordelia
Xander, I know you take pride in being the voice of the common wuss, but the truth is, certain people are entitled to special privileges. They're called winners. That's the way the world works.
And what about that nutty "all men are created equal" thing?
Cordelia
Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.
I think that was Lincoln.
Cordelia
Disgusting mole and stupid hat.
Actually, it was Jefferson.
Cordelia
Kept slaves. Remember?
I wouldn't break out the tartar sauce just yet. It's not like you were exposed more than once. Twice?
Cordelia
Whoa!
Cordelia
You, you, you! What about me?! It's one thing to be dating the lame unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the Creature from the Blue Lagoon.
Black Lagoon! The Creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields. And thank you so much for your support!
I think we'd better find the rest of the swim team and lock them up before they get in touch with their inner halibut.
Let's see, I got to take a makeup chem test at 3:00. And then I'm meeting some of the guys for plasma transfusions at 5:00. It's turned into quite the busy afternoon.
The fun never stops with you, does it?
Giles seems pretty confident that the treatments are gonna work.
Well, turning into a creepy-crawly wasn't on my top ten list of thing to do before I turn 20.
Cordelia
I want you to know that you've really proven yourself to me. And you don't have to join the new team next year if you don't want. I'd be just as happy if you played football.
The-the people from animal control have just left. Our creatures have apperently made a-a dash for it. Um, so to speak.
Does that mean we're gonna have to hunt them again?
No, I don't think so. I don't think we'll be seeing them anymore.
Where do you think they'll go?
Are we having a chair shortage?
I didn't read anything about... oh, [slides off Oz's lap] I get it.
These public displays of affection are not acceptable in my school. This isn't an orgy, people. It's a classroom.
Yeah, where they teach lunch.
Just give me a reason to kick you out, Summers. Just give me a reason. [walks away]
Cordelia
How about 'cause you're a tiny impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu?
Cordelia
Don't you think?
[Giles brings a zombie cat to the library.]
Cordelia
Nice pet, Giles. Don't you like anything regular? Golf, USA Today, or anything?
We're trying to find out how and why it rose from the grave. It's not as if I want to take it home and offer it a saucer of warm milk.
Well, I like it. I think you should call it Patches.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer · 894 quotes
