Rupert Giles quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Giles

Testosterone is a great equalizer - it turns all men into morons.

Giles

I-I-I really don't know how to advise you. Things involved with a computer fill me with a childlike terror. Now, if it were a nice ogre or some such I'd be more in my element.

Giles

He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact, but he would have none of it.

Giles

I appreciate your thoughts on the matter, in fact I encourage you to always challenge me when you feel it's appropriate; you should never be cowed by authority. Except, of course, in this instance, when I am clearly right and you are clearly wrong.

Giles

Be quiet. I won't remind you that the fate of the world often lies with the Slayer. What would be the point? Nor shall I remind you that you've jeopardized the lives of all that you hold dear by harboring a known murderer. But sadly, I must remind you that Angel tortured me... for hours... for pleasure. You should have told me he was alive. You didn't. You have no respect for me, or the job I perform.

Giles

[reading from the book] "The summoning spell for Gachnar can be shut down in one of two ways. Destroying the Mark of Gachnar..."

Giles

[greatly irritated] "...is not one of them, and will, in fact, immediately bring forth the fear demon itself!"

Giles

How did I turn into a demon?

Giles

Actually, I beg you to stop.

Giles

Look, everything will be alright. We just need to stay here, calm. As soon as Buffy arrives--

Giles

... we'll feel oddly worse.

Giles

Uh, what you fought was a vampire, but it was, um, something more than that. It was a Turok-Han. [Giles sees Buffy's nonplussed expression] As Neanderthals are to human beings, the Turok-Han are to vampires. Primordial, ferociously powerful killing machines, as single-minded as animals. They are the vampires that vampires fear. An ancient and entirely different race and, until this morning, I thought they were a myth."

Giles

Now wait a minute--you think I'm evil... if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and don't touch them?

Giles

The influx of the undead, the... supernatural occurrences, it's been building for years. There's a reason why you're here and a reason why it's now!

Buffy

Because now is the time my mom moved here.

Giles

Something's coming, something, something, something is - is gonna happen here. Soon!

Buffy

Gee, can you vague that up for me?

Buffy

Okay, what's the sitch?

Giles

Sorry?

Buffy

You heard about the dead guy, right? The dead guy in the locker?

Giles

Yes.

Buffy

'Cause it's the weirdest thing. He's got two little-little holes in his neck and all his blood's been drained. Isn't that bizarre? Aren't you just going, "Ooh"?

Giles

I was afraid of this.

Buffy

Well, I wasn't. It's my first day. I was afraid that I was gonna be behind in all my classes, that I wouldn't make any friends, that I would have last month's hair. I didn't think there'd be vampires on campus. And I don't care.

Giles

Then why are you here?

Buffy

To tell you that, I don't care, which I don't, and have now told you, so... bye.

Giles

Is he-- will he rise again?

Buffy

Who?

Giles

The boy.

Buffy

No. He's just dead.

Giles

Can you be sure?

Buffy

[to Giles] To make you a vampire, they have to suck your blood, and then you have to suck their blood. It's like, a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you. Why am I still talking to you?

Giles

You really have no idea what's going on, do you? You think it's coincidence, your being here? That boy was just the beginning.

Buffy

Why can't you people just leave me alone?

Giles

Because you are the Slayer. To each generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength--

Buffy

The strength and skill to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of the evil, blah, blah, blah. I've heard it, okay?

Giles

I really don't understand this attitude. You-You've accepted your duty. You're slain vampires before?

Buffy

Yeah, and I've both been there and done that, and I'm moving on.

Giles

What do you know about this town?

Buffy

It's 2 hours on the freeway from Neiman-Marcus.

Giles

Dig a bit in the history of this place, and you'll find a-a steady stream of fairly off occurrences. I believe this whole area is a center of mystical energy, that things gravitate towards it that-that you might not find elsewhere.

Buffy

Like vampires.

Giles

Like zombies, werewolves, incubi, succubi, everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day. They're all real.

Buffy

What, you, like, sent away for the Time-Life series?

Giles

Oh, w-well, yes.

Buffy

Did you get the free phone?

Giles

Um, the calendar.

Buffy

Cool. Wait. Okay. First of all, I'm a Vampire Slayer. And secondly, I'm retired. Hey, I know. Why don't you kill them?

Giles

I'm a Watcher. I-I haven't the skill.

Buffy

Oh, come on. Stake through the heart, a little sunlight, it's like falling off a log.

Giles

A slayer says, a watcher--

Buffy

Watches?

Giles

Yes, no. He... he trains her. He-he-he prepares her.

Buffy

Prepares me for what? For getting kicked out of school? For losing all of my friends? For having to spend all of my time fighting for my life and never getting to tell anyone because I might endanger them? Go ahead. Prepare me. [sigh]

Giles

Damn.

Xander

What?

Giles

For as long as there have been vampires, there has been the Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One...

Buffy

He loves doing this part.

Giles

Alright. The Slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is a Slayer, don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need.

Giles

[To Willow] Well then help me in researching this Harvest affair. It seems to be some sort of preordained massacre. Rivers of blood, hell on Earth. Quite charmless. I'm a bit fuzzy, however, on the details. [about a computer] It may be that you can wrest some information from that dread machine. [everyone stares] That was a bit, um, British, wasn't it?

Buffy

Welcome to the New World.

Xander

We've gotta get in there before Jesse does something stupider than usual.

Giles

Listen to me... Jesse is dead. You have to remember that when you see him, you're not looking at your friend. You're looking at the thing that killed him.