Cordelia Chase quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Oz

We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?

Cordelia

What's the difference?

Oz

Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.

Xander

Well, I hate brie.

Cordelia

I know. It smells like Giles' cat.

Willow

It's all over school. What happened with Debbie and Pete. Except for the "Pete was a monster" part.

Oz

Yeah, a freshman told me that Pete had eight iced cafe mochas and just lost it.

Buffy

That's better than the estrogen theory. I heard he took all of his mother's birth-control pills.

Cordelia

He didn't? Pete was a monster? Where have I been?

Xander

In your special place, Cor, which is why I adore you.

Cordelia

So what's the true story? What happened?

Willow

Well, we got a hold of Pete's lab books and stuff, and Mr. Science was doing a Jekyll/Hyde deal. He was afraid Debbie was gonna leave him, so he mixed this potion to become super mas macho.

Buffy

The only thing was, after a while, he didn't need the potion to turn into a bad guy. He did it just fine on his own.

Cordelia

So it was like a real killing. He wasn't under the influence of anything?

Buffy

Just himself. Uh... I'll see you guys later.

Cordelia

Great, now I'm gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day.

Xander

Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty.

Cordelia

They're training.

Xander

I stand by my phrase.

Xander

Okay, let's not say something we'll all regret later, okay?

Cordelia

Crazy freak!

Buffy

Vapid whore!

Xander

Like that.

Cordelia

I don't even get why you care about Homecoming when you're doing stuff like this.

Buffy

Because this is all I do. This is what my life is. You couldn't understand. I just thought ... Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, I was there. I went to high school, I had friends, and, for one moment, I got to live in the world. And there'd be proof, proof that I was chosen for something other than this. Besides, [pumps the rifle] I look cute in a tiara.

Hey! We're all stuck here, okay? So now let's just sit quietly and, and pretend we're reading something until we're really sure that old Commandant Snyder's gone. Then we're all outta here!

Xander

Does anyone else wanna marry Ms. Barton?

Cordelia

Get in line.

Cordelia

Why are you guys so hyper?

Willow

Hey, speaking of people and things they do that aren't like usual, anyone notice Buffy acting sort of different?

Xander

Let's see. Killing zombies, torching sewer monsters, and, no, that's pretty much the same old Buffster.

Cordelia

What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?

Buffy

It was an accident.

Xander

What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?

Buffy

Lagos is out of luck. I got the magic mitten thingy. What's with all the tragedy masks?

Giles

Better take a seat, Buffy.

Buffy

What's going on?

Giles

We know Angel is alive. Xander saw you with him. It would appear that you've been hiding him and that you lied to us.

Willow

Nobody's here to blame you, Buffy. But this is serious. You need help.

Buffy

It's not what you think.

Xander

Hope not, because I think you're harboring a vicious killer.

Willow

This isn't about attacking Buffy. Remember, "I" statements only. "I feel angry." "I feel worried."

Cordelia

Fine. Here's one. I feel worried. About me! Last time around, Angel barely laid a hand on Buffy. He was way more interested in killing her friends.

Buffy

But he's better now.

Xander

Better for how long, Buffy? I mean, did you even think about that?

Buffy

What is this, demons anonymous? I don't need an intervention here.

Giles

Oh, don't you? You must've known it was wrong seeing Angel, or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us.

Buffy

I was going to tell you, I was. It was just that I... I didn't know why he came back. I-I just wanted to wait.

Xander

For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy?

Buffy

I'm not going to... We're not together like that.

Oz

But you were kissing him.

Buffy

You were spying on me? What gives you the right?

Cordelia

What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?

Buffy

It was an accident.

Xander

What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?

Buffy

It was wrong, okay? I know that, and I know that it can't happen again. But you guys have to believe me. I would never put you in any danger. If I thought for second that Angel was gonna hurt anyone...

Xander

You would stop him. Like you did last time with Ms. Calendar.

Willow

Buffy, I feel that when it comes to Angel, you can't see straight. And that's why we're-we're all going to help you face this.

Buffy

But he's better now, I swear. Look, you guys, he's the one that found the Glove of Myhnegon. He's keeping it safe for us in the mansion.

Xander

[about Angel] Right! Great plan. Leave tons of firepower with the scary guy, and leave us to clean up the mess.

Buffy

[stops Xander from leaving] You would just love an excuse to hurt him, wouldn't you?

Xander

I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason.

Buffy

Right. This is all nobility. This has nothing to do with jealousy.

Cordelia

Hello? Miss Not-Over-Yourself-Yet?

Buffy

Don't you start with me.

Willow

Giles, no one's doing the "I" statements.

Giles

That's enough! Everybody. Now Buffy knows our concerns, and her actions, however ill-advised, can be understood. Our... priority right now is to retrieve the Glove of Myhnegon and try to destroy it. Now, all of you, back to your classes.

Buffy

Thanks for the bail in there. I know this is a lot to absorb, but Angel did find the glove, and that was a good--

Giles

Be quiet. I won't remind you that the fate of the world often lies with the Slayer. What would be the point? Nor shall I remind you that you've jeopardized the lives of all that you hold dear by harboring a known murderer. But sadly, I must remind you that Angel tortured me... for hours... for pleasure. You should have told me he was alive. You didn't. You have no respect for me, or the job I perform.

Cordelia

So there's no more glove thing-y?

Xander

No. Little living flame, little mesquite, gone for good.

Oz

Sounds like we missed a lot of fun.

Xander

Then we're telling it wrong.

Willow

What do you think Buffy and Angel are gonna do?

Xander

Boy, do I don't know.

Willow

Well, he saved me from a horrible flamey death. That sort of makes me like him again.

Xander

Well, as long as she and Angel don't get pelvic, we'll be okay, I guess.

Buffy

What are you guys talking about?

Oz

Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again.

Buffy

He's not my boyfriend. Really, truly, he's... I don't know. Are we cool?

Xander

Yeah. Just seeing the two of you kissing after everything that happened, I leaned toward the postal. But I trust you.

Cordelia

I don't, just for the record.

Giles

[clears throat]

Buffy

Let me guess. Gwendolyn Post, not a Watcher?

Giles

Yes, she was. She was, uh, kicked out by the Council a couple of years ago for misuses of Dark Power. They swear there was a memo.

Buffy

Well, I better go. Little more damage control.

Willow

[sighs] The whole Angel thing is so weird.

Giles

Yes, well, we'll have to see how that unfolds, won't we?

Willow

This is a nightmare. This is... my world is spinning.

Xander

It's not that bad, Willow, really.

Willow

740? Verbal? I'm-I'm pathetic! Illiterate! I'm Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.

Xander

That's right. And the fact that your 740 verbal closely resembles my combined scores in no way compromises your position as the village idiot.

Willow

I just... where did I go wrong?

Xander

You did amazing, Willow. As usual.

Cordelia

You guys get you scores?

Xander

Cordelia! Willow is very sad about her academic failure. How did you do? This is not good.

Cordelia

What's not good?

Xander

Well, I'm just worried it may hurt my standing as campus stud when people find out I'm dating a brain.

Cordelia

Please. I have some experience in covering these things up.

Oz

Well, I can see why you'd be upset. That was my sarcastic voice.

Xander

You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.

Oz

I've been told that. But we should celebrate, do something.

Cordelia

Like, the four of us?

Xander

A double date! It could have potential.

Willow

Buffy! Hey, did you get your S.A.T. Scores?

Xander

By the look on your face, I'm guessing you and I are going to be manning the drive-through window side by side.

Buffy

They're just test scores, right? What do they really mean, anyway?

Willow

1430! Buffy, you kicked ass! Okay, so academic achievement gets me a little excited.

Xander

Buff, that's amazing.

Cordelia

Let me see that.

Oz

Yeah. With scores like that, you can apply pretty much anywhere you want.

Willow

Buffy, this could, like, change your whole future.

Buffy

The though had occurred to me.

Xander

Then why the sour puss?

Buffy

I don't know. I guess... my future. I never really thought about it. I wasn't even sure I was going to have one.

Cordelia

Well, I think this is great. Now you can leave and never come back! Well, I mean that in a possible way. Get out of Sunnydale. That's a good thing. What kind of moron would ever want to come back here?

Cordelia

[about Willow and Xander] No, no, no way! I wish us into Bizarro-land and you guys are still together? I cannot win!

Probably not, [changes to vampire face] but I'll give you a head start.

Cordelia

I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale!

Done! [nothing happens, Anya is confused]

Cordelia

No! I wish Buffy Summers had never been born! That would be cool!

Done! [again nothing happens]

Cordelia

And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair.

Done!

Cordelia

In fact, I wish all men except maybe the dumb and the really agreeable kind disappear off the face of the earth. That would be so cool! Or maybe...

Cordelia

Buffy Summers. That's when all my trouble started. When she moved here.

You okay?

Cordelia

Oh, I just pulled some stitches last night. Know why? Surprise. It was Buffy's fault.

Harmony

Oh, hey, it's Garbage Girl. Loved the look last night, Cor. Dumpster chic for the dumped.

[chuckles] Yeah. [chuckling] Oh, God.

Here. I think you need this more than I do right now.

Cordelia

Yeah, I could use some luck. And a stick with pointy, sharp bits. If that Buffy wasn't, I swear.

She's a pain. But Xander, he's an... utter loser. Don't you wish...

Cordelia

I never would've looked twice at Xander if Buffy hadn't made him marginally cooler by hanging with him.

Really?

Cordelia

Yeah, I swear. I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale. [gasps]

Done.

Cordelia

I came by to tell Buffy to stop all of this craziness and found you all unconscious ... again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're gonna wake up in a coma.

Giles

Wake up in a c... ? Oh, never mind. We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.

Cordelia

Now, let's be clear. The brain damage happened before I hit you.