Willow Rosenberg quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?

Willow

Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?

S1 Witch

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This computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office... One assumes it is entirely legal?

[in unison] Of course.

Willow

[in unison] Entirely.

Right. Wasn't here. Didn't see it. Couldn't have stopped you.

S1 Teacher's Pet

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Willow

Buffy has a really important date.

Owen!

All right, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.

S1 Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.

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We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting!

Willow

It was like the Heimlich... with stripes!

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What is it with those guys?

Willow

They're obnoxious. Professionally.

Well, every school has 'em. See, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids.

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[While researching in the library]

Wow. Apparently, Noah rejected the hyenas from the Ark because he thought they were an evil impure mixture of dogs and cats.

Willow

Hyenas aren't well liked.

They do seem to be the schmoes of the animal kingdom.

Willow

Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy, or... or some ducks?

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Willow

I heard the vice principal's taking over until they can find a replacement.

Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find a new principal. Unless they ask what happened to the last one.

Okay, but I had nothing to do with that, right?

Right.

Willow

You only ate the pig.

I ate a pig? It was he cooked and called bacon or... oh, my God, I ate a pig? I mean, the whole trichinosis issue aside, yuck.

Well, it wasn't really you.

Well, I remember going on the field trip, and then going down to the hyena house. And next thing, some guy's holding Willow, and he's got a knife.

Willow

You saved my life.

Hey, nobody messes with my Willow.

This is definitely the superior Xander. Accept no substitutes.

I didn't do anything else, did I? Around you guys? Anything embarrassing?

Nah.

Willow

Not at all.

Come on, we're gonna be late.

Willow

See you at lunch.

Cool. Oh, hey? Going vegetarian, huh?

I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about... memory loss afterwards.

(chuckles) Did you tell them that?

Your secret dies with me.

Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.

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Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is?

Bad hair on top of that outfit?

To love someone who used to love you.

You guys were involved?

For several generations.

Well, you've been around since Columbus. You are bound to pile up a few exes. You're older than him, right? Just between us girls, you are looking a little worn around the eyes.

[about Angel] I made him. There was a time when we shared everything, wasn't there, Angelus? You had a chance to come home, to rule with me in the Master's court for 1,000 years. But you threw that away because of her. You love someone who hates us. You're sick, and you'll always be sick. And you'll always remember what it was like to watch her die. You don't think I came alone, do you?

I know I didn't.

[chuckles] Scary. Scarier. Oh, don't worry. Bullets can't kill vampires. They can hurt them like hell, but...

Did you just hear...

So many body parts, so few bullets. [chuckles] Let's begin with the kneecaps. No fun dancing without them. [groans] Close, but no heart. [groans]

We need to distract her... fast.

Willow

Buffy, it wasn't Angel who attacked your mom, it was Darla!

Come on, Buffy. Take it like a man. [Angel stabs and kills Darla] Angel?

S1 Angel

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Ah, the post-fumigation party.

Okay, so what's the difference between this and the pre-fumigation party?

Much hardier cockroaches.

Willow

So, no word from Angel?

Nah. It's weird, though. In his way, I feel like he's still watching me.

Willow

Well, in a way he sort of is. In the way of that he's right over there.

I don't need to watch, because I'm not threatened. I'm just going to look this way.

I just wanted to see if you were okay... your mother.

We're both good. You?

[chuckles] If I can go a little while without getting shot or stabbed, I'll be alright. Look, this can't...

Ever be anything. I know. For one thing, you're, like, 224 years older than I am.

I just gotta... I gotta walk away from this.

I know. Me, too. One of us has to go here.

I know.

What's going on?

Willow

Nothing.

Well, as long as they're not kissing. [chuckles]

You okay?

It's just...

Painful. I know. See you around?

S1 Angel

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Oh, great. A book.

Oh, I, uh, I haven't gone through the new arrivals. Uh, put it in-in that pile.

DDave

Here, I'll get it.

Oh. Thanks, Dave. Willow pile.

Uh, uh, when I've examined it, you can, uh, uh, skim it.

Scan it. Rupert, that's "scan it."

Of course.

Oh, I know our ways are strange to you, but soon you will join us in the 20th century, with three whole years to spare.

Ms. Calendar, I'm sure your computer science class is fascinating, but I happen to believe that one can survive in modern society without being a slave to the, um, idiot box.

That's TV. The idiot box is TV. This is the good box.

Well, I still prefer a good book.

FFritz

The printed page is obsolete. Information isn't bound up anymore. It's an entity. The only reality is virtual. If you're not jacked in, you're not alive.

Thank you, Fritz, for making us all sound like crazy people. Fritz-Fritz comes on a little strong, but he does have a point. You know, for the last two years, more e-mail was sent than regular mail.

Hmm.

More digitized information went across phone lines than conversations.

Yeah, well, that is a fact that I regard with genuine horror.

I'll bet it is. All right, guys, let's wrap it up for today.

Willow

I've just got a few more. I'll hang for a bit.

Cool. Thanks.

Willow

Xander, you want to stay and help me?

[chuckles] Are you kidding?

Willow

Yes. It was a joke I made up.

[chuckles] Willow, I love you, but bye.

Willow

See you tomorrow.

Buffy, wait up.

I-I'm just going to stay and clean up a little. I'll, uh, I'll be back in the Middle Ages.

Did you ever leave?

S1 I, Robot... You, Jane

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We going to go to the Bronze tonight, we three?

It'll be fun.

Yeah. Willow, fun? Remember fun? That thing where you smile?

Willow

Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I'm just thinking about...

Malcolm?

Willow

Malcolm, Moloch, whatever he's called. The one boy that's really liked me, and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me?

It doesn't say anything about you.

Willow

I mean, I thought I was really falling...

Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here turned out to be a vampire.

Right. And the teacher I had a crush on: giant praying mantis.

Willow

That's true.

Yeah, it's life on the Hellmouth.

Let's face it. None of us are ever going to have a happy, normal relationship.

We're doomed.

Willow

Yeah.

[They laugh, but it quickly stops as they look uneasy]

S1 I, Robot... You, Jane

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[Buffy, Xander and Willow perform a scene from Oedipus Rex]

Willow

O ruler of my country, Oedipus, you see our company around the altar, and I, the Priest of Zeus.

Ha, ha! They prophesize that I should kill my father, but he is dead and hidden deep in the soil. But surely I must fear my mother's bed.

O Oedipus, Oedipus, unhappy Oedipus. That is all I can call you and all that I ever shall call you.

Darkness, and horror of darkness, unfolding, restless visistant sped by an ill wind in haste. Madness and... madness a-and stabbing pain and-and, uh, oh, oh... Memory of, uh, ill deeds I have done.

S1 The Puppet Show

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[The class is discussing 'The Merchant of Venice'.]

MMs. Miller

But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society?

Willow

Well, everyone looked down on him.

Cordelia

That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.

S1 Out of Mind, Out of Sight

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Willow

'Have a nice summer', 'Have a nice summer'. This girl had no friends at all.

Once again I teeter at the precipice of the generational gap.

'Have a nice summer' is what you write when you have nothing to say.