Willow Rosenberg quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers.

[The others look at each other.]

[to Xander] Was that an insult?

Kinda lacked punch.

Willow

The Three Musketeers were cool.

I see your point.

I woulda gone with Stooges.

Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?

Willow

Uh, yes! Our own personal demons.

Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift!

I would have to go with Stooges also.

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Willow

She's possessed!

Possessed?

Willow

That's the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should've seen her last night. That wasn't Buffy.

Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? [gets looks from the others and concedes] She's possessed.

Possessed by what?

Willow

Aaaaa possessing thing!

[sarcastically] Well, that narrows it down.

Well, you're the expert. Hey, maybe when the Master killed her some... mystical bad guy transference thing happened.

Willow

That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?

Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.

A bitcuh?

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We Bronzin' it tonight?

Willow

Wednesday's kinda beat.

Well we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer but, gosh, we did that last night.

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Willow

Angel stopped by? Wow, was there... Well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing?

Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.

Yeah, some stuff's about groping. It wasn't about groping?

Okay, hormones on parade here, it was pure shop talk. Remember vampires? Pointy teeth? They walk by night? Am I ringing a bell?

Willow

What did he say?

Oh, something's up. Nothing I can't handle.

Oh, hey, did you guys hear that Cibo Matto's gonna be at the Bronze tonight?

Willow

Cibo Matto? They're playing?

No, Willow. They're gonna be clog dancing.

Willow

Cibo Matto can clog dance? Oh, sarcasm. Right.

We should attend, no?

Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers.

[The others look at each other.]

[to Xander] Was that an insult?

It kind of lacked punch.

Willow

The Three Musketeers were cool.

I see your point.

I would've gone with Stooges.

Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?

Willow

Uh, yes, our own personal demons.

Uh, such as-as-as lust and, um, thrift.

I would have to go with Stooges, also.

What are you guys talking about? I'm talking about big, squiggly demons that came from the ground? Remember? Prom night? With all the vampires?

Cordelia? Your mouth is open. Sound is coming from it. This is never good.

No, it's... See, we can't mention that stuff in front of other people. Buffy being the Slayer and all.

Willow

You haven't been talking about our little adventure all summer, have you?

Are you nuts? You think I would tell people that I spent the whole evening with you? Besides, it was all so creepy. That Master guy and all the screaming? I don't even like to think about it. So... your secret's safe with me.

Well, that works out great. You won't tell everyone that I'm a Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.

Now, that was a good insult.

Willow

A little too good.

What's up with her?

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So, both coffins are empty. That makes three girls signed up for the army of zombies.

Willow

Is it an army if you just have three?

Zombie drill team then.

S2 E2 Some Assembly Required

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Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?

Willow

All the time.

Cordelia Chase

Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to...

Do you mind? We're talking here.

(Cordelia is taken aback, rolls her eyes and leaves.)

So where were we?

Willow

Wondering why we never get dates.

Yeah, so why do you think that is?

S2 E2 Some Assembly Required

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We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.

You said you weren't sure if you were going.

I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?

Willow

Wow. Two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still like 400 dates with 400 different... [Awkward beat.] Why do they call it a mace?

S2 E3 School Hard

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Well, say it.

I'm not gonna say it.

Willow

You lied to Giles.

'Cause she will.

I wasn't lying. I was just... protecting him from information that he wouldn't be able to... digest properly.

Like a corn dog.

Willow

Like you don't have a sick mother, but you'd rather go to a frat party where there's gonna be drinking and older guys and probably an orgy.

Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?

There's no orgies!

S2 E5 Reptile Boy

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Angel barely says two words to me.

Don't you hate that?

And when he does, he treats me like I'm a child.

That bastard!

You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation.

Yeah! (pause) Tom? Who's Tom?

Willow

The frat guy.

Oh, Buffy, I don't think so. Frying pan, fire? You know what I'm sayin'?

S2 E5 Reptile Boy

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She lied to me?

Willow

Well...

Did... she have a date?

Willow

(to Angel) Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! (to Giles) And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! (to Angel) And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?? [Awkward beat.] Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've got to help Buffy.

S2 E5 Reptile Boy

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Willow

It's too bad we can't sneak a look at the Watcher Diaries and read up on Angel. I'm sure it's full of fun facts to know and tell.

Yeah. It's too bad. That stuff is private.

Willow

Also Giles keeps them in his office. In his personal files.

Most importantly, it would be wrong.

S2 E6 Halloween

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Angel's a vampire, I thought you knew.

Oh, he's a vampire! Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs.

Willow

It's true.

You know what I think? I just think you're trying to scare me off 'cause you're afraid of the competition. Look, Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever, but when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer.

S2 E6 Halloween

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[Buffy admonishes Willow on her choice of a boring ghost costume.]

It's just ... You're never gonna get noticed if you keep hiding! You're missing the whole point of Halloween.

Willow

Free candy?

It's "come as you aren't" night! The perfect chance for a girl to get sexy and wild, with no repercussions.

Willow

Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz.

S2 E6 Halloween

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Willow

Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't want to hear, do you promise not to bite me?

Are you going to tell me that I'm jealous?

Willow

Well, you do sometimes get that way.

You know, I never used to. Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feeling guilty ... I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. Yeah, I get jealous. But I know people. And my gut tells me this is a wrong guy.

S2 E7 Lie to Me

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This isn't right, school on a Saturday. It throws off my internal clock.

When are we gonna need computers for real life, anyway?

Hmm. Let's see. There's home, school, work, games.

You know, computers are on their way out. I think paper's gonna make a big comeback.

Willow

And the abacus.

Yeah, you know, you don't see enough abaci. [scoffs]

Alright, guys, the first thing we're gonna do is... Buffy.

Huh? Did I fall asleep already?

Willow

Aw, you miss your friends?

Sit here, Buffs. Demilitarize the zone between me and Cordelia.

Yeah, and delouse him while you're at it.

Actually, I wanted to talk to you for a second.

Is something wrong?

Is there some crisis that requires instant action, very far from here?

It's Giles.

Well, he's all right, isn't he?

I don't know. He didn't show up when he was supposed to last night, and then, when I went over to his place, he was acting... well, very anti-Giles. He wouldn't let me in, and he looked really bad. I think he might have been... I think he was drinking.

He was home alone drinking?

Willow

But, tea, right?

It wasn't tea, Will.

Yup. Yup, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be would as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night it was booze, whores and fur flying. Were there whores?

He was alone.

Give it time.

So, none of you guys have noticed anything different lately?

Willow

No.

Not really.