Mr. Van Driessen quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

[beats drum] Woah, that was pretty cool. [beats the drum and laughs, getting progressively faster]

Okay Beavis, now let that wild man within put his feelings into words.

Beavis

Yeah, hehe, it's like, it's like, I wanna check out chicks' thingies! I wanna see their thingies! But they won't let me! And that just makes me wanna check them out even more!

We feel your male pain.

Beavis

I feel like I'm never gonna score! And chicks don't wanna talk to me! Like, I wanna go up and say ‘Hey baby how's it goin?' heh. And then just like, they just go away! And then they slap me!

I can identify with that….I guess.

Beavis

And sometimes I just wanna like, get a big bulldozer and I just wanna like, bulldoze the walls to the girls' locker room! That way I can see their boobs!

Butt-head

That would be cool.

Beavis

It's like I know they're naked inside there, and I just can't stand it! And then, and then I wanna take the bulldozer and like, I wanna bulldoze the cafeteria too! And then the library! Destroy all the books! Eheheheheh, and then I wanna go to the principal's office, and bulldoze the principal's office too! EHEHEHEH!

I think someone's inner warrior needs to go back to basic training...

Beavis

Things will never turn out they way they-!

[interrupting] Maybe you need professional help, Beavis. [reaches over to get the drum back]

Beavis

[beats his hand away] NEVER!

Someone take that damn drum away from him!

What the hell are you teaching these kids of yours anyway?

You know, the guys at the gym were right, you ARE a pantywaist.

And you said this was the way to recapture the spirit of Woodstock? Woodstock my ass!

Beavis

[beating the drum each time he says it] Naked boobs, naked boobs, naked boobs!

Now, Beavis and Butt-head, if you could grow any type of food, what would you grow?

Beavis

Heh heh. Um...nachos.

Butt-head

Nachos aren't a plant, dumbass. They, like, make 'em from stuff.

That's right, Butt-head. And corn is an excellent choice. Or, as the Native Americans call it, "maize".

Beavis

No, no, no. We want to grow nachos.

In a few months, Beavis, when the corn grows, you'll be able to make your own nachos.

Beavis

Yeah, but we can go to Maxi-Mart and get some right now.

Butt-head

Yeah, but this is school. They have to do everything ass-backwards.

Okay, class. I'm very disappointed with your test scores.

Butt-head

We scored.

This is called a mortar board, and it comes with this tassel which many graduates say is a momento of their special day. Perhaps some of your older brothers and sisters still have theirs.

Butt-head

Oh yeah! My uncle has one of those hanging on his dashboard.

Good, Butt-head! He must have saved it from his own high school graduation.

Butt-head

Uh...no. He didn't go to high school. He got it off the boob of some chick in a nudey bar.

Butt-head...there's a big difference in the meaning of the two. I hope that someday you get to understand that.

Congratulations, Cassandra. You will go far in life.

Beavis

Heheheheh...tassel.

Congratulations, Butt-head. You have many...uh, qualities. (quietly and with a hint of embarrassment) Here's your diploma, Beavis. (While the other students return to their seats, Beavis & Butt-head walk out thinking it was an actual graduation)

  Congratulations, Cassandra.  I know you'll go far in the world, okay?

Beavis

  Heheheheh…tassel.

  Here you go, Butt-head.  You have many… qualities.  [quietly and with a hint of embarrassment]  Here's your diploma, Beavis.  [while the other students return to their seats, Beavis and Butt-head walk out thinking it was an actual graduation]

Students, can I have your attention? There's been a terrible tragedy...and I wanted you to hear it from me first-

Principal McVicker

(over PA) Listen up! Beavis and Butt-head are dead! There will be an emergency meeting in the teachers' conference room in five minutes, followed by a brief party. WHOO! YEAH!

That's why so many readers find Atticus' speech so moving.

Butt-head

Uh... I Mr. Van Driessen. I bet Beavis was really moved by it.

Beavis

Cut it off, Butt-Head.

Butt-head

Cuz yesterday, I saw him crying.

Beavis

No, I wasn't!

It's okay to be touched, Beavis.

Butt-head

Yeah, Beavis was touched.

Beavis

SHUT UP! I WAS NOT CRYING BUTT-HEAD!

Daria

You guys will never graduate.

Butt-Head

Uhh... never masturbate?

Daria

Graduate! It's when you're all done with school.

Beavis

You mean, like, school ends?

That's right, Beavis. When you finish high school, you'll never have to take another class if you don't want to. But that's not going to happen if you don't give your oral report right now.

Beavis

My report, is on the time, me and Butt-Head had like, dinner and stuff.

Now Beavis, what does that have to do with American hist--

Beavis

[angrily] Shut up, I'm not done yet!

Now Butt-Head, please make your report about a figure in American history.

Butt-Head

Uhh. Okay. Uhh, my report is, uhh, my report is about the time I kicked Beavis in the nads and he was, like, passed out all day.