Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Congratulations, Cassandra. You will go far in life.

Beavis

Heheheheh...tassel.

Congratulations, Butt-head. You have many...uh, qualities. (quietly and with a hint of embarrassment) Here's your diploma, Beavis. (While the other students return to their seats, Beavis & Butt-head walk out thinking it was an actual graduation)

  Congratulations, Cassandra.  I know you'll go far in the world, okay?

Beavis

  Heheheheh…tassel.

  Here you go, Butt-head.  You have many… qualities.  [quietly and with a hint of embarrassment]  Here's your diploma, Beavis.  [while the other students return to their seats, Beavis and Butt-head walk out thinking it was an actual graduation]

So, which duty do you enjoy most?

Butt-head

Beavis enjoys all his doodies.

Beavis

Yeah.

Well, which do you enjoy most?

Beavis

Um, well...I guess the ones that take a long time.

You like to get your hands dirty?

Beavis

Well, yeah, sometimes.

Something you can really sink your teeth into?

Beavis

Um...no, that's disgusting.

Principal McVicker

Uuhh, no! Beavis and Butt-head, what the hell are you doing here?

Butt-head

Ehhh, like, two weeks ago, you told us we were suspended for like two weeks. So I think like now, we might be done being suspended, or something?

Principal McVicker

Uhh, god, I've been dreading this day.

Butt-head

Yeah, me too!

Beavis

Yeah really, school sucks!

Principal McVicker

You watch your mouth, little pain in the ass! Ehh, whose class are you supposed to be in this morning?

Butt-head

Ehh, I think the teacher is a guy. Ehh, Van..., uhh Rigvantrison?

Beavis

Yeah yeah, something like that.

Principal McVicker

Ooh, no. Mr. Van Driessen took his class to the botanical gardens today. Ooh, dammit!

Butt-head

Yeah dammit!

Beavis

Yeah dammit, god damn son of a bitch!

Principal McVicker

You little bastards, watch your language! Ooh, wait a minute. We've just got a new speech therapist on staff. Maybe I'll stick you in her class. Yeah.

Butt-head

He said "in her".

Principal McVicker

Oh, no!

Beavis

Oh, yeah.

Well, good morning everyone. My name is Miss Jenkins and I'm a speech therapist. And I guess a lot of you were wondering "why do I need speech therapy?"

Beavis

Yeah.

I already know how to speak. What can I learn here? You know, sometimes people don't even realize they have a speech impediment.

Beavis

What's a speech im-pediment?

Butt-head

Speech im-pediments suck!

A person shouldn't be ashamed of having a speech impediment. As a matter of fact, many highly intelligent and creative people are speech impaired.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, that dude has boob.

And once they begin to be more aware of how they sound, they are better able to correct themselves.

Beavis

Butt-head, that what I think it is?

Butt-head

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Well, I'm glad to hear that Butt-head and we're all glad to have you on our little speech team.

Butt-head

Eee, can you get out of the way?

Beavis

Yeah really.

Well, I'll tell you what boys. I have some other pictures in my briefcase that are even more interesting than that one.

Butt-head

Really?

Beavis

What could be more interesting than this?

Well, how about a picture taken from right up inside the larynx?

Beavis

Wow, no way!

Butt-head

How could you get a camera up there?

Well, I'll be happy to show you after you practice this next exercise, OK?

Butt-head

This is gonna be cool.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, boi-oi-oi...

OK now, we're going to use these mirrors to observe our lips, and teeth, and tongue during speech.

Butt-head

Butt-munch, dill-lead.

Beavis

Ass-wipe, butt-hole.

Butt-head

Ass-munch

Butt-head, this might be a good time to work on your "s".

Butt-head

Eeeh, I didn't know my ass needed any work.

Now don't get defensive Butt-head, I just want to try to clean it up a little, OK? Now try this. Make a "t" sound, then throw it out like this. Everyone, let's try to help Butt-head, OK?

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, check it out!

Settle down please, all right boys? OK. What I'd like everyone to do is to repeat these sentences while watching your mouth in your mirrors, OK? All right, here goes: Speaking slowly as such can say just as much.

Butt-head

Whoa, she just said "ass munch"!

Beavis

Yeah, this chick rules. "Ass munch"!

Very good, boys! As much.

Beavis

Ass munch!

Butt-head

Ass munch!

All right, let's try this one. Half haste helps, but whole haste hinders.

Butt-head

Whoa, she just said "butthole"!

Beavis

Yeah yeah, butthole!

But whole haste...

Beavis

Yeah yeah, butthole butthole! This is cool. Bunghole!

No no Beavis, listen closely. But whole, but whole.

Beavis

Oooh yeah yeah.

Principal McVicker

I just came by to see if these two little bastards have done anything I can suspend them for.

Actually principal McVicker, these boys have done very well. Beavis, Butt-head, would you like to show your principal what you've learned today?

Butt-head

Assmunch

Beavis

And butthole. Butthole.

Principal McVicker

Watch your mouth, you little sons of bitches.

Principal, please. Now I don't want you to take this to the wrong way, principal. But I've noticed that you have a litle trouble expressing yourself sometimes.

Principal McVicker

What?

Butt-head

McVicker is a dumbass. He doesn't know how to talk to chicks.

Beavis

Yeah really. He's probably like "....." Boi-oi-oi...

"All Men are endowed by their creator, with certain inalienable Rights, and among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." Have you anything to add, Compatriot Beavis?

Beavis

Oh, um, OK, let me think- how about this? "All chicks shall be required to do it with us, at all times. E pluribus unum."

A damn fine idea, lad.

Hear hear!

  "All Men are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, and among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness."  Have you anything to add, Compatriot Beavis?

Beavis

Oh, um, heh-heh, okay.  Um, heh-heh, yeah, yeah, how about this?  "All chicks shall, um, heh-heh, be required to do it with us, huh-huh, at all times, yeah.  He-he.  E pluribus unum.  He-he, yeah, he-he."

A damn fine idea, lad.

  Hear, hear!

[who is on TV] Gee Wally, dad said not to. And besides, I don't want him to holler at me.

Butt-head

Uhuhuhuh...beaver.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, Beaver kicks ass. But it's like, um, that'd not really what stuff was like back then.

Butt-head

Yeah. It's like, if this was real, and it was like the 50's, things would be all different and stuff.

So, Beaver...

Beavis

The name's Beavis, sir.

Well excuse me, Beaver.

Now get in there and get me some smokes.

Beavis

Are you sure I should be doing this?

What did you say?

Beavis

I said are you-

Well hey there Master Cleaver, aren't you supposed to be in school?

Beavis

Well, I guess so, b-but all I know is I'm sposed to come in here and buy some cigarettes.

Hey, you wouldn't be buying these for Eddy now would ya?

Beavis

...Gee, how'd you know?

Tell Eddy it's against the law for me to sell cigarettes to a boy your age. And then, tell him cigarettes cause cancer.

Beavis

Y-yeah but, if I tell him that, he might get all sore 'n stuff. A-and then he's liable to beat me up.

Well, if he tries that, you tell him that's against the law too.

Beavis

Um, hey, Butt-head, I think the phone is ringing.

Butt-head

Yeah, well make it stop.

Beavis

Um...who are you?

This is Highland High calling. We're trying to figure out why Beavis and Butt-head haven't been in school for the past three weeks.

Beavis

Oh. Um...yeah, they're dead.

Principal McVicker

[Giving speech at fund-raiser] I would gladly give back all the money, just to see Beavis and Butt-head one more time.

Butt-head

Okay, McDicker, give us some money.

Principal McVicker

What!?

Beavis

Where the hell are the dead people?

Principal McVicker

Uhhh, you're supposed to be dead!