Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Ow! What the hell are you doing, ass-wipe?!

Beavis

Yeah! I'm kicking the bugs' ass! Yeah!

Butt-head

Ow! I'm gonna kick your ass, fartknocker! [kicks Beavis in the testicles]

Beavis

AAAAAAHHH! [falls down]

Butt-head

Now get up. We gotta, like, use an infesticide.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, are they dead?

Butt-head

Uh, I think we got 'em, dude.

Beavis

Um....wait a minute. Dammit. I think I got some more bugs on my nads.

Butt-head

Uh, how'd they get there, Beavis?

Beavis

I don't know. Dammit!

Butt-head

Maybe you should stick your weiner in the bug zapper!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! That's a really good idea, Butt-head! [pulls bug zapper down to his crotch area] Let me just get this down here, here we go... [unzips his pants, and offscreen, follows Butt-head's advice. Electricity crackles and Beavis screams]

Butt-head

  Welcome to the future.  Here is your free porn.

Beavis

Yeah. Porn is good for you. Did you know that?

Principal McVicker

Uh... Now as you boys know, we have strict rules, about accessing computer pornography from the library. So before, I sentence you to an extremely harsh punishment, I want to know how you little punks did it! Uh... Come on. You idiots can save yourself a lot of trouble if you just tell me who helped you log on!

Butt-Head

I did that myself. But Stewart got us the porn.

What?

Beavis

He's pretty good.

But... but... but I...

Principal McVicker

Oh, that's it! You're all getting detention for the rest of the year! And you've lost all your computer privileges!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah we need more porn, come on Stewart.

Buzzcut

Shut the hell up!

Butt-head

Beware the long arm of Butt-head.

Beavis

Beware the long wiener of Beavis!

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, I don't know why, but this is giving me a stiffy.

Butt-head

Uhhhh, maybe that's why they call it 'woodshop'.

Butt-head

Hey, Beavis. Pull my finger. I mean, your finger.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head!

Butt-head

  Come on, dumbass, play it.

Beavis

  Check this out.  Uhhh yeeah!!  Waahhhhh!!  You're gonna die!!  [smashes Mr. Van Driessen's acoustic guitar]  Ohhh dnanananananana didlywoo weewoo browww baaabababa dadadada!!

Butt-head

  Woah!  That was cool, Beavis.  We're, like, on our way.

Beavis

  We're Metallica, featuring Beavis and Butt-head!

Butt-head

  Uhh, that doesn't sound right.  It should be like, Butt-head and Beavis.  "Beavis and Butt-head" sounds stupid.

Beavis

  No, no!  I kinda like "Beavis and Butt-head"!  I don't know just sounds right.

Butt-head

  Damn it, Beavis, this is my band.  My name comes first.  Don't you, like, wanna be a hit?

Beavis

  No way!  If you hit me, I'm gonna kick you in the nads!

Butt-head

  Yeah, try it, and I'll beat the living crap out of you.  Damn it, this band isn't working.  It's, like, we don't, like, uhh…communicate or something?

Beavis

  What?

Butt-head

  Uhh…I don't know.  What?

Beavis

  What the hell are you talking about?!

Butt-head

  Uh, I don't know.  You're just a butt-knocker.

Beavis

  Don't call me butt-knocker, you son of a bitch!

Butt-head

  This band sucks.  I'm gonna get outta here.  [walks off]

Beavis

  Yeah, I'm gonna get outta here.  This sucks!  [turns around and walks off]

Let's try to see exactly what the problem is. Now, I'm going to run some tests to gauge your ability to become aroused.

Butt-head

Cool.

Now, I'm going to show you some photographs. When you begin to feel aroused, just raise your hand. Now...[he sees that Beavis and Butt-head have already raised their hands]

Beavis

Um, are these pictures of the chicks we're gonna get to score with?

Well, yes, if you find that helps, that would be an excellent way to think of them.

Butt-head

Cool. Bring 'em on.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. [mock-Arabic accent] Which lucky girls will be fit to join my harem?

Uh, okay. Here's the first image. [holds up a photo of a model in lingerie]

Butt-head

[both raise their hands] Yes! I'll take her!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, me too. [turns to Butt-head] I saw her first, dillhole!

Hmm. Let's go on. [holds up another photo]

Butt-head

Whoa! [raises his hand]

Beavis

Wha-ha! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!!

Interesting. Beavis, why didn't you raise your hand this time? Didn't you find the image exciting?

Butt-head

[looks at Beavis] Uhh, Beavis' hands are busy, sir.

Buzzcut

Beavis!

Beavis

AAAAH! [Scared]

Buzzcut

DAMMIT YOU WILL LISTEN WHEN I'M TALKIN'!!!

Beavis

No way! I'm sick of school and I'm sick of you!

Buzzcut

WHAT?!?! YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!! I'LL SEE YOU IN DETENTION!!!

Beavis

OK, cool.

Beavis

[seeing a man chopping wood] I know. Let's invent a tree.

Butt-head

Beavis.

Beavis

See, we could build one out of lumbers and two-by-fours and stuff, and then we could like tape some leaves- [Butt-head slaps him] OW!!! See, that way, anyone who needs wood, but doesn't want to cut down his own tree, can just, like, buy our tree and cut it down, and then he- [Butt-head slaps him again] OW!!!

Butt-head

Why wouldn't he just go cut down his neighbor's tree, dumbass? Now, quit wasting time. We need to come up with a REAL money-making invention.

Butt-Head

Now we need to get some of that bug spray.

Beavis

Bug spray?

Butt-Head

Yeah, when it lands on the garbage, we'll like, spray poison on it, then it's gonna puke all over itself and die!

Butt-head

(pulling trash can into house) So, all we need to do is... (turns around and sees Beavis taking a dump in the living room) UHHHH! BEAVIS, WHAT THE HELL ARE DOING!?

Beavis

(getting up) You said flies like to eat garbage and crap.

Butt-head

  [pulling trash can into house]  [turns around, sees Beavis taking a dump in the living room]  Uhh!  What the hell are you doing, butthole!? Get up and help me with this.

Beavis

  [getting up]  I am helping, butthole! You said flies like garbage and crap.

You don't get workers compensation for fighting, it has to be an accident.

Beavis

You mean we, like, need to poop in our pants?