Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

  [reading the phone book]  Uhm…Sa-Sachz…Ha…rry…Hairy Sack.  [laughs]

Beavis

  Harry Sack!  [laughs]

  [answering the phone]  Yeah?

Beavis

  [in the background]  It's Harry Sachz!

Butt-head

Uhh, what?

[over the phone] This is your boss at Burger World. We're having an extremely busy lunch, I need one of you to come down to Burger World

Butt-head

Uhh, I'm like, busy watching TV.

Well, then, let me talk to the other one.

Butt-head

Uhh, okay. [does a bad impression of Beavis] Uh huh huh huh. Like, hi, this is Beavis, uh huh huh huh, yeah, huh huh huh. I'll be right in, sir, yeah, huh huh huh huh. You can always, like, count on me, sir, huh huh huh huh. [hangs up] Hey Beavis, that was that manager dude at Burger World. He says you have to go to work right now.

Beavis

No way! That sucks! It sucks! Hey, how come you don't have to go to work?

Butt-head

Because I'm, like, busy watching TV.

Beavis

Oh yeah. This sucks

I want a bacon cheeseburger with extra mayo, a want a large chocolate shake, two orders of onion rings, an apple pie, and a diet cola.

Beavis

You said 'pie.' That's funny, right?

Mr. Anderson

I can get you a real good deal on that bushwhacker.

Butt-head

Bush.

Beavis

Whacker.

Beavis

Maybe we can suggest that school sucks. SUCKS! SUCKS!

Butt-head

Or maybe we can suggest that we can get a teacher that's cool.

Yeah, Can I help you?

Butt-Head

Yeah. We're going to buy this beer and get drunk.

Yeah? Well, you can't buy beer unless you're 21. Lemme see some ID.

Butt-Head

Oh. Uh.. Well... Uh... Uh.. Uh... Huh huh... We left our IDs in the truck.

Beavis

Yeah yeah. Truck.

Oh, you guys are buying that pee-water. I guess I can sell that crap to you.

Butt-Head

That's right. You can sell it to us. (chuckles) We're old.

Butt-head

[eating a burger] Huh huh huh. Hey, Beavis, how's that new soda?

Beavis

Mmm, mh heh, it's pretty good.

  Alright, so what do we know about this kid?

  I picked him up at Burger World, but he didn't have any I.D., or anything.  Says his name is "Cornholio."

  The hell kind of a name is that?  Is that his first name, or last?

  Um...I dunno, it's the only name he gives.

  Cornholio...could be Spanish.  Probably Italian.  Doubtful.

  Well, that little bastard devoured my taco burrito combo on the ride over.

  Well, probably Mexican.

  Says he's from Lake Titicaca.

  Lake Titicaca?

Beavis

  Lake Titicaca! Titicaca!

  Alright, find out where the hell Lake Titicaca is.

Beavis

  Nicaragua!

  Nicaragua?

Beavis

  Agua for my bunghole!  Bunghole!

  Oh, yeah.  And he keeps saying he needs "T.P." for his "bunghole."

  What the hell's a bunghole?  Can you find out what a bunghole is?

Beavis

  You are a bunghole!  And so am I.  There will be more bungholes after me!

  [reading from dictionary]  Here, I got the dictionary. "Bunghole: a hole in a barrel or keg used for pouring in or drawing out liquid."

  This kid's messed up.  Just take him back to Mexico and drop him off with the others.  Let the federales deal with him.

  Okay, Cornholio.  Time to go back home.

Beavis

  Are you threatening me?  You will give me T.P., bunghole!

  Yeah, yeah. Alright. I know your bunghole needs T.P.  We'll get you plenty of T.P., just as soon as we get you back to Mexico.  And your bunghole will be just fine.

Beavis

  I would hate for my bungholio to get polio.

  Me too.  Come on.  This way, Cornholio.

Beavis

  The bunghole!  It is nothing to be ashamed of.

Butt-head

Check it out, this trick rules! It's like we ring the door bell and then we run away.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, OK.

Yeah?

Beavis

We tricked him.

Butt-head

He's probably like "uhh, there is nobody here. I wonder who did that."

Hey, what the hell is wrong with you two. Do that again I'll kick your ass.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, did we do that right?

Butt-head

Eeeh, I don't know. Maybe we're supposed to like run away before anyone opens the door. Let's try it again.

Beavis

Yeah, this is gonna be cool.

Butt-head

So like, this time remember to run away before they come to the door.

Beavis

Ooi, OK. "before." That was cool!

Butt-head

Yeah! They're gonna be pissed.

Beavis

Uhhm, nobody is coming out, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Maybe whoever lives there has like a broken leg or something and it takes long time to get to the door.

Beavis

Yeah, that will be pretty cool!

Butt-head

Yeah!

Beavis

Hey, Butt-head, let's ring it again!

Butt-head

Eeeh, OK.

Beavis

Let me ring it.

Butt-head

No way, Beavis. You rang it last time.

Beavis

No way. You did dill-hole!

Butt-head

Uhh, wait a minute. Uhh, I think we forgot to ring the door bell, Beavis.

Beavis

Dammit, this is really hard, Butt-head!

Butt-head

Yeah but it's cool once you get it right. Come on.

What do you want? What? What are you doin'?

Beavis

Did you see that? That was pretty cool!

Butt-head

Beavis, you screwed it up again! You're supposed to run before he comes to the door.

Beavis

No, dammit! I don't know when he's gonna come to the door. This sucks!

Butt-head

Dumbass!

Where are you goin'?

The neighbours asked if I pick up their mail while they're away on vacation.

Butt-head

Hey, Beavis. I hope whoever lives here is like taking a dump.

Beavis

He gotta run to the door.

Butt-head

Dammit, what the hell is taking so long!

Beavis

Yeah really, let's do it again. What's wrong with these people?

Butt-head

I don't know. They must be stupid.

Beavis

Are you sure we get it right this time?

Butt-head

Eeh, yeah.

God, it's good to be back home huh again? What a trip!

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, they weren't even home.

Butt-head

That sucks!

Butt-head

Ding dong ditch is hard.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, that sucks. What a waste of time!

Butt-head

Maybe we were like doing something wrong. We need practice. Hey Beavis, you pretend you're at home, and I'll like do it to you.

Beavis

Yeah yeah practice.

I already told you kids! You don't have ID, you look underage, and if I serve you, I'll go to jail!!

Uhh...how about one for the road?

Beavis

Yeah, like one to help me forget or something?

Don't worry, man, these are good kids. Y'know, you guys remind me a lot of when I was your age.

Yeah, some day we're gonna be just like you.

Beavis

Yeah, we're gonna be drunk. (Joe falls on the floor in drunken stupor)

Look, I told you kids! You got no I.D., you look underage, and if I serve you, I'll go to jail!

Butt-head

Oh. Uhh…how about one for the road?

Beavis

Yeah, like one to help me forget or something?

Get outta here! Both of you!

Oh, yeah! Hey, it's okay, bartender. These are good kids. Y'know, you boys remind me of me I was a kid.

Butt-head

Yeah, some day we're gonna be just like you.

Beavis

Yeah, we're gonna be drunk. [Joe falls on the floor in drunken stupor]

Here's a prescription for some special shampoo and cream for skin irritation.

Butt-head

[laughs] She said foreskin.

Beavis

Yeah. Foreskin irritation.