Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Now what do you see [points to vision test board]

Beavis

Ummm. Uh, the alphabet. Heh Heh.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, someone like, stole our women!

Butt-head

That sucks.

Beavis

Yeah! It doesn't just suck, Butt-head, it like ahhh, REALLY sucks! We're never gonna score! We're gonna be wussies! Forever!

Butt-head

Settle down, Beavis!

Beavis

No, I can't settle down! We're NEVER gonna score! We'll get cars and like, we'll get jobs, and we'll have to like, mow lawns and scrub the grill, but we're never gonna score EVER! It's gonna suck!

Hey, I warned you to be quiet! Don't make me come up there!

Beavis

Shut up, asswipe! You probably score! And you're a dork! I'm NEVER gonna score! I'M NEVER GONNA SCORE! IT'S GONNA SUCK! AHHHHHHHHH! AAAHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!

I, sometimes I wet the bed. Isn't it, like, normal? What happened if I get married?

Beavis

Is this, is this, uh..... Hey Stewart!

(embarrassed) Oh no.

Beavis

Stewart, what a weiner! Heh heh heh!

Beavis

(sing-song) Stewart wets his bed, da-na!

(humiliated) Oh God!

Butt-head

  Hey, Beavis.  I just thought of something.  Whoever buys the next pork rinds is gonna get our bag, plus another one.

Beavis

  Cool!  Yeah, let's wait 'til they come, and then kick their ass.  Yeah, yeah!  Heh heh.

Butt-head

  No, dumbass.  I mean, like, if we get another 60 cents, we could like, get 2 for the price of 1.  Huh huh.

Beavis

  2 for the price of 1?  Heh heh.  That would be cool!

In your own words, Steven, what is your "raison d'être" ?

Beavis

Um... It's in my pants.

Where do you picture yourself in ten years ?

Butt-Head

Uhh... Uh uh... Uhh... Uh uh...

You have a 21st-century marketplace you're gonna enter would be global electronic village. How are you preparing yourself for what is bound to be a complex and challenging world ?

Butt-Head

Uhh... You said "enter"... Uh uh...

What are you feeling, right now ?

Beavis

My left nad. It itches. Can I say "nad" ?

There is no censorship of any kind. This is an independant documentary film. With a generous grant from our friends at the exco corporation.

Butt-Head

Uh uh... Censorship is cool.

Beavis

Yeah. Uh uh... Censorship is cool. Uh uh...

Butt-Head

I like when they put these black boxes on people's thingies.

Beavis

Yeah, like... Somebody's talking. And they say "Get the **BEEEEEEEEEEEEP**"

Oh ! Cut !

Butt-head

  [reading a piece of paper that says "the tenth caller gets a free pair of Bon Jovi tickets"] The teenth, cooler…

  Tenth caller…

Butt-head

  Gets a free tattoo on his butt!

Beavis

  Yeah.

  A great joke, Butt-head.  Of course, he means tickets to tonight's Bon Jovi concert.  I'm afraid that's all the time we have for Beavis and Butt-head, but keep listening because somebody always wins.  [off air, to Beavis and Butt-head] You guys get the hell out of here and never come back!

Butt-head

  Huh, huh, you're old.

Beavis

  Yeah, and you suck-suck-suck-suck-suck-suck!  Suck-suck-suck, suck-suck!

Out!

Beavis

  Hey, what about our $5 birth certificates, bunghole?

Out!

Have you boys eaten breakfast?

Beavis

....I think I did once.

Butt-Head

Hey Beavis, you think she's going to put a thermometer up his butt?

Beavis

Yeah, heheh, and then she's going to put it in his mouth!

Butt-Head

Ugh! What the hell is this crap? This isn't a burrito.

Beavis

Yeah, I got eggs in mine! She tricked us.

Butt-Head

No wonder Stewart's got diarrhea.

It's ironic that we in this country who cherish freedom occasionally support governments who are less responsive to human rights. We're fortunate to have had a very stable government for over 200 years. In other parts of the world, they aren't so lucky. The struggle for freedom is by no means over. It still goes on today in places like Nicaragua, El Salvador, and Panama...

Beavis

Nicaragua? Agua! AGUA FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!

Beavis, please sit down.

Beavis

Are you threatening me? I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!

Come on, Beavis, take your seat. Now, technically America is not a democracy but a republic....

Beavis

(to Daria) Do you have TP? TP for my bunghole?

Daria

Get out of here, Beavis.

Beavis

Uhh, Okay.

[counting money] fifty, sixty, sixty five-

Butt-head

Twelve.

Shut up. [counts in the background]

Beavis

One! Twenty-five cents.

Butt-head

Uh, Sixty-nine.

Beavis

Number two.

Eighty three, eighty four, SHUT UP.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, what are they gonna do to us?

Butt-head

I think they're gonna make us take one of those polygrip tests.

Beavis

Oh yeah, that stuff's cool. I found some of that at Anderson's house, and it was like, I put it on my teeth and I was walking around going [clenches teeth together] rrrghgrggrhgrhg.

Butt-head

Beavis, you suck as a liar.

Beavis

Heh, yeah, liar. LIAR! Liar, liar, pants on-...heh! Woah.

Good. Well, young man, I'd like to get a base reading here. Could you say something?

Beavis

Uh, heh, yeah, heh.

Just say anything. The first thing that comes into your mind.

Beavis

Um, heh heh, I killed a bunch of people once.

Butt-head, are you angry?

Butt-head

I'm, like, angry at numbers.

Beavis

There's like, too many of 'em and stuff.