Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Uh, tacos? You said there were tacos?

Beavis

I don't feel too good. I don't want to draw some dude's schlong.

S4 E17 Figure Drawing

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Oh!

Beavis

Yeah, master painting is cool.

S4 E19 Butt Is It Art?

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Beavis

What did you bring back, Butt-head?

One huge boob. [shows Beavis] What did you bring back?

[Beavis shows Butt-head a picture of something flesh colored]

S4 E19 Butt Is It Art?

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Uh, what is it?

Beavis

Heh heh. It's a butt.

S4 E19 Butt Is It Art?

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You've got the Gus Baker show, and the first topic: The death penalty! Yes or no?!

Yes!

Beavis

Yes! The chair!! The chair!!! The chair!!!

In my opinion, you betcha!

Yes!

Beavis

Yes! The chair!! The chair!!

And they call me reactionary...because I believe that criminals should be punished, and ordinary Americans like you and me should have the right to carry guns!

This dude's cool.

Also on today's show: Music videos! Who makes these affronts to common decency?! Where I come from, we have a word for garbage like that!!

Yeah. They suck!!

But first, a commercial! Our lines are open! Give us a call!

S4 E20 Right On

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We think you're, like, cool.

Beavis

Yeah, especially the part about giving dudes the chair. The chair!! The chair!!

The death penalty?

Beavis

Yeah, and what you said about bums.

And music videos.

Well, you know what they say--great minds think alike! Listening to you boys, I can tell that our younger generation still has the moral strength and character to make this country great again!

Uhh...what?

S4 E20 Right On

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Last week we heard from two boys whose characters were so impressive we brought them out here for today's show! Please welcome Beavis and, uh, Buth-coat!!

Now, people say that yours is a lost generation...violent, lazy, uneducated, sexually active!!

Huhuh, not Beavis.

Beavis

Heheh, yeah, Butt-head doesn't get any either.

Well, you two are certainly fine upstanding young men...a credit to the youth of America!

(looking around at the applauding "dittoheads" in the audience) Hey Beavis, you see any chicks?

Okay, now, boys, I want to ask you: As decent young men,don't you agree with me that there is something very, very wrong with these so-called "music videos?"

BBBeavis and Butt-head

Yeah!! Really!!

These "rock videos" are immoral! Indecent! Profane! Scurrillous! And blasphemous!

Beavis

Yeah! They suck! THEY SUCK!!! Indecent! Profane!

Yeah, especially Meatloaf. He sucks!

Hey! We're on the air! You can't use that language!

Beavis

We use language?

(after Gus Baker whispers into his ear) Hey, Beavis, he says we can't say "sucks."

Beavis

Really? That sucks.

Can we say "buttwipe?"

Beavis

Yeah, how about "bunghole"? Bunghole!

What about buttmunch?

Beavis

Yeah heheh, buttmunch. Or dillhole?

Dillweed?

Hey! Do you use that language at home?

Uhh...yeah!

Beavis

Hey Gus...Peek-a-boo!! (moons the audience)

(running in front of Beavis) Cut to the commercial! GET THESE LITTLE BASTARDS OUT OF HERE!!!

Uhh...do you use that language at home?

Beavis

Peek-a-boo!! (presumably moons the security guards who pull him and Butt-head off stage)

S4 E20 Right On

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(watching a replay in which Beavis' mooning is pixelated) Hey Beavis...what's all that fuzzy stuff on your butt?

Beavis

I don't know...is it still there? (mooning Butt-head)

Uh, no...but it wouldn't hurt to wipe once in a while.

Beavis

Uh...heheh, oh yeah, sorry. I was in a hurry.

Beavis, get your butt out of my face and into that bathroom. Now.

Beavis

Heheh, oh yeah, sorry.

(In the DVD cut, after Beavis moons Butthead he goes straight to simply responding "Beavis, get your butt out of my face now" and the episode ends.)

S4 E20 Right On

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Beavis

[acting as a waiter] Uh, hi, Butt-head.

Hi, Master Beavis.

Beavis

I was suppose to introduce me, bunghole! Uh, welcome to a restaurant. Would you like to take my order?

Yeah, get me some nachos, buttwipe!

Mr. Manners [grabs Butt-head by the collar]: Listen, you little...t-t-twerp! This is my job, this is how I make money! Don't screw with me! [goes back to his place] Now, how about using some manners?

Manners suck.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head. Don't "screw" with him.

Yeah, he sure does like to touch.

Beavis

He tried to touch my weiner!

MMr. Manners

WHAT? YOU LITTLE LIAR! [starts strangling Beavis]

Beavis

BACK OFF, YOU PERVERT!

MMr. Manners

[David Van Driessen comes in] He's lying!

Hey! Don't you dare lay a finger on my students! [breaks them up] Beavis, did he hit you?

Beavis

Heh. Um. Heh. Yes, sir. Heh. He did. Heh. Thank you for your concern.

MMr. Manners

What?! you little dirtball!! [goes to attack Beavis, but Van Driessen's hand stops him]

You want to touch my students, I'll touch you!!! [Van Driessen and Mr. Manners get into a smack fight, the students start cheering]

MMr. Manners

I'll get you, you little punks!!!

Uh, no thank you, sir.

Beavis

Yeah. Thank you. Drive through.

Stop it! [throws a punch] Stop it!

MMr. Manners

You're dead, hippie.

You're going to jail, jackass!

MMr. Manners

You're going down, Woodstock!

[throws another punch] Take that, you Fascist!!!!

MMr. Manners

You're hurting me! Security!!

S4 E21 Manners Suck

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[in the bathroom, Beavis and Butt-head are sitting in toilet stalls next to one another; Butt-head groans, strains, and pushes in vain]

Please come out. Please! [laughs in relief as a excrement drops into the toilet]

Beavis

Yeah, me, too! [grunts, strains, and pushes, but nothing emerges] Hey, Butt-head, it won't come out. [continues straining without result]

Maybe you should try using manners.

Beavis

Oh, yeah! Umm, please come out of my butt. [groans and strains] Please! [feels relief as the excrement drops] Thank you, drive through.

Manners. Hey, Beavis, will you please wipe my butt?

S4 E21 Manners Suck

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I wonder if they're like, pipes for water, or pipes for crap?

Beavis

It would be cool if they had pipes with crap and turds running through them.

They do, dumbass. How do you think all that crap gets out of your house?

Beavis

It doesn't. It's in my basement in little jars.

Thats pretty disgusting, Beavis.

S4 E22 The Pipe of Doom

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I can't get out. I'm, like, stuck. Huh huh.

Beavis

Really, heh heh. That's cool.

It's not cool, Beavis. I'm not sure yet, but I think it sucks.

S4 E22 The Pipe of Doom

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Hey, Beavis. We could get rich doing this. We need to get more balls.

Beavis

[laughs] You've got to hear what you just said, Butt-head. You said heh, "we need to get more balls."

Huh huh huh, oh yeah.

S4 E24 Mr. Anderson's Balls

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Mr. Anderson

Wait a minute! These balls look kinda familiar.

Uh, many balls look the same, sir.

Beavis

Yeah, I have two that are identical.

S4 E24 Mr. Anderson's Balls

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Now, Butt-head! You've waited your whole life to say this in class without getting in any trouble. Our topic for today is? [SEXUAL INTERCOURSE is written on the board]

BButthead

[with mouth wired shut, unable to talk clearly] SEFUAL INTERCOWSE!

Say it, you pantywaste! Say it!

BButthead

[still muffled] SEFUAL INTERCOWSE!

Get out of my class you insuboridnated maggot! Beavis! What does this say?

Beavis

[wearing unneeded glasses, cannot read] Uh...uh...uh...