“Tobacco Farmers” quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

George Washington and the founding fathers were farmers, m'kay? And the main crop they grew was tobacco.

Butt-head

Whoa! You can grow cigarettes?

Well, no, but you can grow tobacco, m'kay?

Butt-head

[amazed] You can grow tobacco...

Yes, tobacco is a plant. It grows from seeds like any other plant.

Beavis

Whoa! Cigarette seeds! That's cool.

[sighs] Guys, it's April. We're supposed so be up to the Vietnam War. Now, as I was saying, tobacco was America's first cash crop.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, get cash and money!

Butt-head

Beavis, we've heard enough. Let's grow tobacco, and get cash money like that dumbass, George Washington.

It's good to see two young people cleaning up all the litter around here. There's a receptacle right over there, boys. [points to a cigarette disposal can]

Butt-head

Whoa! Cool. We're gonna be rich! [they begin stuffing their pockets with cigarette butts]

Beavis

I can't believe these dumbasses just left these around and didn't know they were seeds. They really suck at farming.

Butt-head

Beavis, everybody sucks at everything.

Beavis

You know, I wonder if George Washington ever scored.

Butt-head

Of course he scored, dumbass. He's rich, and he's got his own cigarette trees. You should think before you open your mouth once in a while. [Beavis eats a cigarette butt] Dammit, stop eating the seeds.

Beavis

Sorry, it's like, I ate one, and now it's like, I just can't stop, you know? It's like I'm addicted to seeds, you know what I'm saying?

Butt-head

There we go, all done.

Beavis

So um, when will they be ready?

Butt-head

Patience, Beavis. The cigarette tree takes many seasons to grow. [Beavis eats another cigarette butt] Uh, how many of those did you eat?

Beavis

I don't know. Probably like 80. [eats another one]

Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis, each one of those was gonna be a whole cigarette tree. You ate like 80 trees.

Beavis

Sorry, sorry. Just one more to help me relax. [eats more cigarette butts] I'll stop tomorrow.

Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis, now we gotta go find more seeds, or we're not gonna get rich enough.

Beavis

Oh yeah yeah. Good idea. I'm like, craving finding more seeds.

Butt-head

Tobacco sucks.

Beavis

That old lady kicked my ass so hard, the doctor said I have a tumor on my tongue. And it increased my risk of heart disease.

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

And also like, a low fetal birth weight or something. I don't know.

Butt-head

Well we certainly learned a lesson today.

Beavis

Yup, we sure did.

Butt-head

The reason George Washington is dead is some old ladies kicked his ass and gave him cancer.

Beavis

And that's why we're the greatest country on Earth.