Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

  Yep, you boys are definitely intoxicated. I'm gonna have to confiscate your beverages and bring you downtown.

Butt-head

  Oh yeah. We don't wanna forget the beer.

  [reads on back of beer]  Hey, wait a minute: this stuff's non-acoholic. You guys aren't drunk, you're just stupid.

Butt-head

[eating a burger] Huh huh huh. Hey, Beavis, how's that new soda?

Beavis

Mmm, mh heh, it's pretty good.

Butt-head

Check it out, this trick rules! It's like we ring the door bell and then we run away.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, OK.

Yeah?

Beavis

We tricked him.

Butt-head

He's probably like "uhh, there is nobody here. I wonder who did that."

Hey, what the hell is wrong with you two. Do that again I'll kick your ass.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, did we do that right?

Butt-head

Eeeh, I don't know. Maybe we're supposed to like run away before anyone opens the door. Let's try it again.

Beavis

Yeah, this is gonna be cool.

Butt-head

So like, this time remember to run away before they come to the door.

Beavis

Ooi, OK. "before." That was cool!

Butt-head

Yeah! They're gonna be pissed.

Beavis

Uhhm, nobody is coming out, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Maybe whoever lives there has like a broken leg or something and it takes long time to get to the door.

Beavis

Yeah, that will be pretty cool!

Butt-head

Yeah!

Beavis

Hey, Butt-head, let's ring it again!

Butt-head

Eeeh, OK.

Beavis

Let me ring it.

Butt-head

No way, Beavis. You rang it last time.

Beavis

No way. You did dill-hole!

Butt-head

Uhh, wait a minute. Uhh, I think we forgot to ring the door bell, Beavis.

Beavis

Dammit, this is really hard, Butt-head!

Butt-head

Yeah but it's cool once you get it right. Come on.

What do you want? What? What are you doin'?

Beavis

Did you see that? That was pretty cool!

Butt-head

Beavis, you screwed it up again! You're supposed to run before he comes to the door.

Beavis

No, dammit! I don't know when he's gonna come to the door. This sucks!

Butt-head

Dumbass!

Where are you goin'?

The neighbours asked if I pick up their mail while they're away on vacation.

Butt-head

Hey, Beavis. I hope whoever lives here is like taking a dump.

Beavis

He gotta run to the door.

Butt-head

Dammit, what the hell is taking so long!

Beavis

Yeah really, let's do it again. What's wrong with these people?

Butt-head

I don't know. They must be stupid.

Beavis

Are you sure we get it right this time?

Butt-head

Eeh, yeah.

God, it's good to be back home huh again? What a trip!

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, they weren't even home.

Butt-head

That sucks!

Butt-head

Ding dong ditch is hard.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, that sucks. What a waste of time!

Butt-head

Maybe we were like doing something wrong. We need practice. Hey Beavis, you pretend you're at home, and I'll like do it to you.

Beavis

Yeah yeah practice.

Look, I told you kids! You got no I.D., you look underage, and if I serve you, I'll go to jail!

Butt-head

Oh. Uhh…how about one for the road?

Beavis

Yeah, like one to help me forget or something?

Get outta here! Both of you!

Oh, yeah! Hey, it's okay, bartender. These are good kids. Y'know, you boys remind me of me I was a kid.

Butt-head

Yeah, some day we're gonna be just like you.

Beavis

Yeah, we're gonna be drunk. [Joe falls on the floor in drunken stupor]

Here's a prescription for some special shampoo and cream for skin irritation.

Butt-head

[laughs] She said foreskin.

Beavis

Yeah. Foreskin irritation.

Butt-head

Ow! What the hell are you doing, ass-wipe?!

Beavis

Yeah! I'm kicking the bugs' ass! Yeah!

Butt-head

Ow! I'm gonna kick your ass, fartknocker! [kicks Beavis in the testicles]

Beavis

AAAAAAHHH! [falls down]

Butt-head

Now get up. We gotta, like, use an infesticide.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, are they dead?

Butt-head

Uh, I think we got 'em, dude.

Beavis

Um....wait a minute. Dammit. I think I got some more bugs on my nads.

Butt-head

Uh, how'd they get there, Beavis?

Beavis

I don't know. Dammit!

Butt-head

Maybe you should stick your weiner in the bug zapper!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! That's a really good idea, Butt-head! [pulls bug zapper down to his crotch area] Let me just get this down here, here we go... [unzips his pants, and offscreen, follows Butt-head's advice. Electricity crackles and Beavis screams]

Butt-head

  Welcome to the future.  Here is your free porn.

Beavis

Yeah. Porn is good for you. Did you know that?

Principal McVicker

Uh... Now as you boys know, we have strict rules, about accessing computer pornography from the library. So before, I sentence you to an extremely harsh punishment, I want to know how you little punks did it! Uh... Come on. You idiots can save yourself a lot of trouble if you just tell me who helped you log on!

Butt-Head

I did that myself. But Stewart got us the porn.

What?

Beavis

He's pretty good.

But... but... but I...

Principal McVicker

Oh, that's it! You're all getting detention for the rest of the year! And you've lost all your computer privileges!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah we need more porn, come on Stewart.

Buzzcut

Shut the hell up!

Butt-head

Beware the long arm of Butt-head.

Beavis

Beware the long wiener of Beavis!

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, I don't know why, but this is giving me a stiffy.

Butt-head

Uhhhh, maybe that's why they call it 'woodshop'.

Butt-head

Hey, Beavis. Pull my finger. I mean, your finger.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head!

Butt-head

  Come on, dumbass, play it.

Beavis

  Check this out.  Uhhh yeeah!!  Waahhhhh!!  You're gonna die!!  [smashes Mr. Van Driessen's acoustic guitar]  Ohhh dnanananananana didlywoo weewoo browww baaabababa dadadada!!

Butt-head

  Woah!  That was cool, Beavis.  We're, like, on our way.

Beavis

  We're Metallica, featuring Beavis and Butt-head!

Butt-head

  Uhh, that doesn't sound right.  It should be like, Butt-head and Beavis.  "Beavis and Butt-head" sounds stupid.

Beavis

  No, no!  I kinda like "Beavis and Butt-head"!  I don't know just sounds right.

Butt-head

  Damn it, Beavis, this is my band.  My name comes first.  Don't you, like, wanna be a hit?

Beavis

  No way!  If you hit me, I'm gonna kick you in the nads!

Butt-head

  Yeah, try it, and I'll beat the living crap out of you.  Damn it, this band isn't working.  It's, like, we don't, like, uhh…communicate or something?

Beavis

  What?

Butt-head

  Uhh…I don't know.  What?

Beavis

  What the hell are you talking about?!

Butt-head

  Uh, I don't know.  You're just a butt-knocker.

Beavis

  Don't call me butt-knocker, you son of a bitch!

Butt-head

  This band sucks.  I'm gonna get outta here.  [walks off]

Beavis

  Yeah, I'm gonna get outta here.  This sucks!  [turns around and walks off]