Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Let's try to see exactly what the problem is. Now, I'm going to run some tests to gauge your ability to become aroused.

Butt-head

Cool.

Now, I'm going to show you some photographs. When you begin to feel aroused, just raise your hand. Now...[he sees that Beavis and Butt-head have already raised their hands]

Beavis

Um, are these pictures of the chicks we're gonna get to score with?

Well, yes, if you find that helps, that would be an excellent way to think of them.

Butt-head

Cool. Bring 'em on.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. [mock-Arabic accent] Which lucky girls will be fit to join my harem?

Uh, okay. Here's the first image. [holds up a photo of a model in lingerie]

Butt-head

[both raise their hands] Yes! I'll take her!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, me too. [turns to Butt-head] I saw her first, dillhole!

Hmm. Let's go on. [holds up another photo]

Butt-head

Whoa! [raises his hand]

Beavis

Wha-ha! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!!

Interesting. Beavis, why didn't you raise your hand this time? Didn't you find the image exciting?

Butt-head

[looks at Beavis] Uhh, Beavis' hands are busy, sir.

Beavis

[seeing a man chopping wood] I know. Let's invent a tree.

Butt-head

Beavis.

Beavis

See, we could build one out of lumbers and two-by-fours and stuff, and then we could like tape some leaves- [Butt-head slaps him] OW!!! See, that way, anyone who needs wood, but doesn't want to cut down his own tree, can just, like, buy our tree and cut it down, and then he- [Butt-head slaps him again] OW!!!

Butt-head

Why wouldn't he just go cut down his neighbor's tree, dumbass? Now, quit wasting time. We need to come up with a REAL money-making invention.

Butt-Head

Now we need to get some of that bug spray.

Beavis

Bug spray?

Butt-Head

Yeah, when it lands on the garbage, we'll like, spray poison on it, then it's gonna puke all over itself and die!

Butt-head

(pulling trash can into house) So, all we need to do is... (turns around and sees Beavis taking a dump in the living room) UHHHH! BEAVIS, WHAT THE HELL ARE DOING!?

Beavis

(getting up) You said flies like to eat garbage and crap.

Butt-head

  [pulling trash can into house]  [turns around, sees Beavis taking a dump in the living room]  Uhh!  What the hell are you doing, butthole!? Get up and help me with this.

Beavis

  [getting up]  I am helping, butthole! You said flies like garbage and crap.

This is called a mortar board, and it comes with this tassel which many graduates say is a momento of their special day. Perhaps some of your older brothers and sisters still have theirs.

Butt-head

Oh yeah! My uncle has one of those hanging on his dashboard.

Good, Butt-head! He must have saved it from his own high school graduation.

Butt-head

Uh...no. He didn't go to high school. He got it off the boob of some chick in a nudey bar.

Butt-head...there's a big difference in the meaning of the two. I hope that someday you get to understand that.

So, which duty do you enjoy most?

Butt-head

Beavis enjoys all his doodies.

Beavis

Yeah.

Well, which do you enjoy most?

Beavis

Um, well...I guess the ones that take a long time.

You like to get your hands dirty?

Beavis

Well, yeah, sometimes.

Something you can really sink your teeth into?

Beavis

Um...no, that's disgusting.

Principal McVicker

Uuhh, no! Beavis and Butt-head, what the hell are you doing here?

Butt-head

Ehhh, like, two weeks ago, you told us we were suspended for like two weeks. So I think like now, we might be done being suspended, or something?

Principal McVicker

Uhh, god, I've been dreading this day.

Butt-head

Yeah, me too!

Beavis

Yeah really, school sucks!

Principal McVicker

You watch your mouth, little pain in the ass! Ehh, whose class are you supposed to be in this morning?

Butt-head

Ehh, I think the teacher is a guy. Ehh, Van..., uhh Rigvantrison?

Beavis

Yeah yeah, something like that.

Principal McVicker

Ooh, no. Mr. Van Driessen took his class to the botanical gardens today. Ooh, dammit!

Butt-head

Yeah dammit!

Beavis

Yeah dammit, god damn son of a bitch!

Principal McVicker

You little bastards, watch your language! Ooh, wait a minute. We've just got a new speech therapist on staff. Maybe I'll stick you in her class. Yeah.

Butt-head

He said "in her".

Principal McVicker

Oh, no!

Beavis

Oh, yeah.

Well, good morning everyone. My name is Miss Jenkins and I'm a speech therapist. And I guess a lot of you were wondering "why do I need speech therapy?"

Beavis

Yeah.

I already know how to speak. What can I learn here? You know, sometimes people don't even realize they have a speech impediment.

Beavis

What's a speech im-pediment?

Butt-head

Speech im-pediments suck!

A person shouldn't be ashamed of having a speech impediment. As a matter of fact, many highly intelligent and creative people are speech impaired.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, that dude has boob.

And once they begin to be more aware of how they sound, they are better able to correct themselves.

Beavis

Butt-head, that what I think it is?

Butt-head

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Well, I'm glad to hear that Butt-head and we're all glad to have you on our little speech team.

Butt-head

Eee, can you get out of the way?

Beavis

Yeah really.

Well, I'll tell you what boys. I have some other pictures in my briefcase that are even more interesting than that one.

Butt-head

Really?

Beavis

What could be more interesting than this?

Well, how about a picture taken from right up inside the larynx?

Beavis

Wow, no way!

Butt-head

How could you get a camera up there?

Well, I'll be happy to show you after you practice this next exercise, OK?

Butt-head

This is gonna be cool.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, boi-oi-oi...

OK now, we're going to use these mirrors to observe our lips, and teeth, and tongue during speech.

Butt-head

Butt-munch, dill-lead.

Beavis

Ass-wipe, butt-hole.

Butt-head

Ass-munch

Butt-head, this might be a good time to work on your "s".

Butt-head

Eeeh, I didn't know my ass needed any work.

Now don't get defensive Butt-head, I just want to try to clean it up a little, OK? Now try this. Make a "t" sound, then throw it out like this. Everyone, let's try to help Butt-head, OK?

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, check it out!

Settle down please, all right boys? OK. What I'd like everyone to do is to repeat these sentences while watching your mouth in your mirrors, OK? All right, here goes: Speaking slowly as such can say just as much.

Butt-head

Whoa, she just said "ass munch"!

Beavis

Yeah, this chick rules. "Ass munch"!

Very good, boys! As much.

Beavis

Ass munch!

Butt-head

Ass munch!

All right, let's try this one. Half haste helps, but whole haste hinders.

Butt-head

Whoa, she just said "butthole"!

Beavis

Yeah yeah, butthole!

But whole haste...

Beavis

Yeah yeah, butthole butthole! This is cool. Bunghole!

No no Beavis, listen closely. But whole, but whole.

Beavis

Oooh yeah yeah.

Principal McVicker

I just came by to see if these two little bastards have done anything I can suspend them for.

Actually principal McVicker, these boys have done very well. Beavis, Butt-head, would you like to show your principal what you've learned today?

Butt-head

Assmunch

Beavis

And butthole. Butthole.

Principal McVicker

Watch your mouth, you little sons of bitches.

Principal, please. Now I don't want you to take this to the wrong way, principal. But I've noticed that you have a litle trouble expressing yourself sometimes.

Principal McVicker

What?

Butt-head

McVicker is a dumbass. He doesn't know how to talk to chicks.

Beavis

Yeah really. He's probably like "....." Boi-oi-oi...

[who is on TV] Gee Wally, dad said not to. And besides, I don't want him to holler at me.

Butt-head

Uhuhuhuh...beaver.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, Beaver kicks ass. But it's like, um, that'd not really what stuff was like back then.

Butt-head

Yeah. It's like, if this was real, and it was like the 50's, things would be all different and stuff.

Now dear, don't you think you should go to work today?

Butt-head

Uh, no. [rubs her arm]

Butt-head

Woah. What happened, uh, son?

It seems that little Beaver here ran afoul of some asphalt.

Butt-head

Uh huh huh....asphalt.

Aren't you being a little hard on the Beavis?

Butt-head

Huh huh huh, hard. Huhuhuhuh, on.

  We got a crispy critter!

Butt-head

  [chuckling]  "Crispy critter."

Beavis

Um, hey, Butt-head, I think the phone is ringing.

Butt-head

Yeah, well make it stop.