Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

(Thinking) Please dont let them sit over here. Please don't let them sit over here. Please, god, don't let them sit over here.

Butt-Head

Hey Beavis, let's sit over there.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, someone like, stole our women!

Butt-head

That sucks.

Beavis

Yeah! It doesn't just suck, Butt-head, it like ahhh, REALLY sucks! We're never gonna score! We're gonna be wussies! Forever!

Butt-head

Settle down, Beavis!

Beavis

No, I can't settle down! We're NEVER gonna score! We'll get cars and like, we'll get jobs, and we'll have to like, mow lawns and scrub the grill, but we're never gonna score EVER! It's gonna suck!

Hey, I warned you to be quiet! Don't make me come up there!

Beavis

Shut up, asswipe! You probably score! And you're a dork! I'm NEVER gonna score! I'M NEVER GONNA SCORE! IT'S GONNA SUCK! AHHHHHHHHH! AAAHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!

Butt-head

  Hey, Beavis.  I just thought of something.  Whoever buys the next pork rinds is gonna get our bag, plus another one.

Beavis

  Cool!  Yeah, let's wait 'til they come, and then kick their ass.  Yeah, yeah!  Heh heh.

Butt-head

  No, dumbass.  I mean, like, if we get another 60 cents, we could like, get 2 for the price of 1.  Huh huh.

Beavis

  2 for the price of 1?  Heh heh.  That would be cool!

In your own words, Steven, what is your "raison d'être" ?

Beavis

Um... It's in my pants.

Where do you picture yourself in ten years ?

Butt-Head

Uhh... Uh uh... Uhh... Uh uh...

You have a 21st-century marketplace you're gonna enter would be global electronic village. How are you preparing yourself for what is bound to be a complex and challenging world ?

Butt-Head

Uhh... You said "enter"... Uh uh...

What are you feeling, right now ?

Beavis

My left nad. It itches. Can I say "nad" ?

There is no censorship of any kind. This is an independant documentary film. With a generous grant from our friends at the exco corporation.

Butt-Head

Uh uh... Censorship is cool.

Beavis

Yeah. Uh uh... Censorship is cool. Uh uh...

Butt-Head

I like when they put these black boxes on people's thingies.

Beavis

Yeah, like... Somebody's talking. And they say "Get the **BEEEEEEEEEEEEP**"

Oh ! Cut !

Butt-head

[reading a piece of paper that says "the tenth caller gets a free pair of Bon Jovi tickets] The teenth, cooler...

Tenth caller...

Butt-head

Gets a free tattoo on his butt!

Butt-head

  [reading a piece of paper that says "the tenth caller gets a free pair of Bon Jovi tickets"] The teenth, cooler…

  Tenth caller…

Butt-head

  Gets a free tattoo on his butt!

Beavis

  Yeah.

  A great joke, Butt-head.  Of course, he means tickets to tonight's Bon Jovi concert.  I'm afraid that's all the time we have for Beavis and Butt-head, but keep listening because somebody always wins.  [off air, to Beavis and Butt-head] You guys get the hell out of here and never come back!

Butt-head

  Huh, huh, you're old.

Beavis

  Yeah, and you suck-suck-suck-suck-suck-suck!  Suck-suck-suck, suck-suck!

Out!

Beavis

  Hey, what about our $5 birth certificates, bunghole?

Out!

Butt-Head

Hey Beavis, you think she's going to put a thermometer up his butt?

Beavis

Yeah, heheh, and then she's going to put it in his mouth!

Butt-Head

Ugh! What the hell is this crap? This isn't a burrito.

Beavis

Yeah, I got eggs in mine! She tricked us.

Butt-Head

No wonder Stewart's got diarrhea.

[counting money] fifty, sixty, sixty five-

Butt-head

Twelve.

Shut up. [counts in the background]

Beavis

One! Twenty-five cents.

Butt-head

Uh, Sixty-nine.

Beavis

Number two.

Eighty three, eighty four, SHUT UP.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, what are they gonna do to us?

Butt-head

I think they're gonna make us take one of those polygrip tests.

Beavis

Oh yeah, that stuff's cool. I found some of that at Anderson's house, and it was like, I put it on my teeth and I was walking around going [clenches teeth together] rrrghgrggrhgrhg.

Butt-head

Beavis, you suck as a liar.

Beavis

Heh, yeah, liar. LIAR! Liar, liar, pants on-...heh! Woah.

Alright, now I'm gonna ask you some questions. Failure to be truthful, and your responses will be interpreted as an acknowledgment of guilt. Do you understand?

Butt-head

Uh... yeah. [The detector buzzes 'false'] Uh huh huh. Uh, I mean, no. [The detector dings 'true'] Huh huh huh.

Just tell the truth and you have nothing to worry about. Let's begin.

Butt-head

Uh huh huh huh. [takes a deep breath and holds it] Huh huh...

Okay, now. Please tell me your name.

Butt-head

[trying to hold his breath and talk at the same time] Butt-head...

Okay, good. Now, Butt-head, could you tell me how many fingers I am holding up?

Butt-head

[his face becomes even more red, yellow bubbles appearing around his head] Uhh, four? [The detector dings 'true']

Well, it's three, actually, but since you think it's four, you didn't really lie. So, that's good. [Butt-head's face turns crimson red] Now, Butt-head, tell me. In all of your life, have you ever stolen anything?

I'll repeat the question, Butt-head. Have you ever stolen anything?

Butt-head

Uhh... [wires start short circuiting, due to violent pulses] Uhhhh... [collapses from asphyxiation] Uh huh huh huh... [the detector lets out a flat pulse]

Butt-head, are you angry?

Butt-head

I'm, like, angry at numbers.

Beavis

There's like, too many of 'em and stuff.

Butt-head

So, have you ever like been with an older man?(laughs)

(creeped out by Butt-head) Leave me alone, you loser.

Beavis

[laughs] Loser.