Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

[referring to a nude male statue's penis] Huhuh...it's hard, but it's not, like, hard.

Very good, Butt-head!

Butt-head

Oh!

Beavis

Yeah, master painting is cool.

Beavis

What did you bring back, Butt-head?

Butt-head

One huge boob. [shows Beavis] What did you bring back?

Butt-head

Uh, what is it?

Beavis

Heh heh. It's a butt.

Gus Baker

You've got the Gus Baker show, and the first topic: The death penalty! Yes or no?!

Butt-head

Yes!

Beavis

Yes! The chair!! The chair!!! The chair!!!

Gus Baker

In my opinion, you betcha!

Butt-head

Yes!

Beavis

Yes! The chair!! The chair!!

Gus Baker

And they call me reactionary...because I believe that criminals should be punished, and ordinary Americans like you and me should have the right to carry guns!

Butt-head

This dude's cool.

Gus Baker

Also on today's show: Music videos! Who makes these affronts to common decency?! Where I come from, we have a word for garbage like that!!

Butt-head

Yeah. They suck!!

Gus Baker

But first, a commercial! Our lines are open! Give us a call!

Butt-head

We think you're, like, cool.

Beavis

Yeah, especially the part about giving dudes the chair. The chair!! The chair!!

Gus Baker

The death penalty?

Beavis

Yeah, and what you said about bums.

Butt-head

And music videos.

Gus Baker

Well, you know what they say--great minds think alike! Listening to you boys, I can tell that our younger generation still has the moral strength and character to make this country great again!

Butt-head

Uhh...what?

Gus Baker

Last week we heard from two boys whose characters were so impressive we brought them out here for today's show! Please welcome Beavis and, uh, Buth-coat!!

Gus Baker

Now, people say that yours is a lost generation...violent, lazy, uneducated, sexually active!!

Butt-head

Huhuh, not Beavis.

Beavis

Heheh, yeah, Butt-head doesn't get any either.

Gus Baker

Well, you two are certainly fine upstanding young men...a credit to the youth of America!

Butt-head

(looking around at the applauding "dittoheads" in the audience) Hey Beavis, you see any chicks?

Gus Baker

Okay, now, boys, I want to ask you: As decent young men,don't you agree with me that there is something very, very wrong with these so-called "music videos?"

Yeah!! Really!!

Gus Baker

These "rock videos" are immoral! Indecent! Profane! Scurrillous! And blasphemous!

Beavis

Yeah! They suck! THEY SUCK!!! Indecent! Profane!

Butt-head

Yeah, especially Meatloaf. He sucks!

Gus Baker

Hey! We're on the air! You can't use that language!

Beavis

We use language?

Butt-head

(after Gus Baker whispers into his ear) Hey, Beavis, he says we can't say "sucks."

Beavis

Really? That sucks.

Butt-head

Can we say "buttwipe?"

Beavis

Yeah, how about "bunghole"? Bunghole!

Butt-head

What about buttmunch?

Beavis

Yeah heheh, buttmunch. Or dillhole?

Butt-head

Dillweed?

Gus Baker

Hey! Do you use that language at home?

Butt-head

Uhh...yeah!

Beavis

Hey Gus...Peek-a-boo!! (moons the audience)

Gus Baker

(running in front of Beavis) Cut to the commercial! GET THESE LITTLE BASTARDS OUT OF HERE!!!

Butt-head

Uhh...do you use that language at home?

Beavis

Peek-a-boo!! (presumably moons the security guards who pull him and Butt-head off stage)

Butt-head

(watching a replay in which Beavis' mooning is pixelated) Hey Beavis...what's all that fuzzy stuff on your butt?

Beavis

I don't know...is it still there? (mooning Butt-head)

Butt-head

Uh, no...but it wouldn't hurt to wipe once in a while.

Beavis

Uh...heheh, oh yeah, sorry. I was in a hurry.

Butt-head

Beavis, get your butt out of my face and into that bathroom. Now.

Beavis

Heheh, oh yeah, sorry.

Beavis

[acting as a waiter] Uh, hi, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Hi, Master Beavis.

Beavis

I was suppose to introduce me, bunghole! Uh, welcome to a restaurant. Would you like to take my order?

Butt-head

Yeah, get me some nachos, buttwipe!

Butt-head

Manners suck.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head. Don't "screw" with him.

Butt-head

Yeah, he sure does like to touch.

Beavis

He tried to touch my weiner!

WHAT? YOU LITTLE LIAR! [starts strangling Beavis]

Beavis

BACK OFF, YOU PERVERT!

[David Van Driessen comes in] He's lying!

David Van Driessen

Hey! Don't you dare lay a finger on my students! [breaks them up] Beavis, did he hit you?

Beavis

Heh. Um. Heh. Yes, sir. Heh. He did. Heh. Thank you for your concern.

What?! you little dirtball!! [goes to attack Beavis, but Van Driessen's hand stops him]

David Van Driessen

You want to touch my students, I'll touch you!!! [Van Driessen and Mr. Manners get into a smack fight, the students start cheering]

I'll get you, you little punks!!!

Butt-head

Uh, no thank you, sir.

Beavis

Yeah. Thank you. Drive through.

David Van Driessen

Stop it! [throws a punch] Stop it!

You're dead, hippie.

David Van Driessen

You're going to jail, jackass!

You're going down, Woodstock!

David Van Driessen

[throws another punch] Take that, you Fascist!!!!

You're hurting me! Security!!

Butt-head

  Please come out.  Please!  [laughs in relief as a excrement drops into the toilet]

Beavis

  Yeah, me, too!  [grunts, strains, and pushes, but nothing emerges]  Hey, Butt-head, it won't come out.  [continues straining without result]

Butt-head

  Maybe you should try using manners.

Beavis

  Oh, yeah!  Umm, please come out of my butt.  [groans and strains]  Please!  [feels relief as the excrement drops]  Thank you, drive through.

Butt-head

  Manners.  Hey, Beavis, will you please wipe my butt?

Butt-head

I wonder if they're like, pipes for water, or pipes for crap?

Beavis

It would be cool if they had pipes with crap and turds running through them.

Butt-head

They do, dumbass. How do you think all that crap gets out of your house?

Beavis

It doesn't. It's in my basement in little jars.

Butt-head

Thats pretty disgusting, Beavis.

Butt-head

I can't get out. I'm, like, stuck. Huh huh.

Beavis

Really, heh heh. That's cool.

Butt-head

It's not cool, Beavis. I'm not sure yet, but I think it sucks.

Butt-head

Hey, Beavis. We could get rich doing this. We need to get more balls.

Beavis

[laughs] You've got to hear what you just said, Butt-head. You said heh, "we need to get more balls."

Butt-head

Huh huh huh, oh yeah.

Mr. Anderson

Wait a minute! These balls look kinda familiar.

Butt-head

Uh, many balls look the same, sir.

Beavis

Yeah, I have two that are identical.

Well, Butt-head, we're not seeing a lot of progress here. Have you been wearing your rubber bands and headgear at night?

Butt-head

Huh huh huh, headgear.