[teaching Beavis and Butt-head how to urinate after they forget how] Okay boys! I'm gonna make this easy! On the count of one, unzip your pants! And one, unzip your pants! [Beavis and Butt-head laugh] On the count of two, take out your penises!
Two's my favorite, heh heh.
And two! On the count of three, start leaking! Three, let's go! LEAK, LEAK, LEAK, LEAK, LEAK!
[Beavis and Butt-head obviously don't urinate]
Butt-headHuh huh huh.
Okay, you wussies. You're gonna stand right there until you can get it right. And don't come out until you're done. [Buzzcut leaves]
[Beavis and Butt-head continue to laugh]
[Beavis and Butt-head are in a female doctor's office, who is trying to "teach" them how to urinate again while playing music]
DDoctor
Now, just relax. Clear your mind of any thoughts.
What is that? Huh huh huh.
DDoctor
Close your eyes, and imagine you're floating on a river. Let the water take you wherever it wants to. Just relax and go with the flow.
Hey Butt-head. I can feel it.
Butt-head
Yeah. Huh huh. Me too.
[We start to hear a dripping sound. Beavis and Butt-head are wetting their pants]
Butt-head
Huh huh huh. And the water's warm. Huh huh huh. Huh huh huh.
[The dripping sound continues, and the doctor looks up from taking her notes, noticing with a shocked look on her face. She drops her notes]
DDoctor
Okay, not here. Stop-stop-stop it! Stop urinating! STOP URINATING!
Butt-head
I forgot how to stop. [A line of wetness moves up Butt-head's shirt]
Yeah, heh heh. Just relax. Go with the flow.
[Beavis and Butt-head continue to urinate, while the doctor continues trying to get them to stop, as she gets up on her desk, obviously because Beavis and Butt-head have been urinating enough to wet the floor of the room]
Butt-head
Huh huh. Urinating's cool.
Hey Butt-head. Do dogs urinate? Heh heh heh.
Butt-head
Beavis, you dillweed. Of course they urinate. Why do you think they lift their leg? Huh huh huh.
[Beavis and Butt-head proceed to lift one of their legs while urinating on a bush. A dog then comes over and urinates on the same bush.]
Butt-head
Woah, check it out.
Butt-head
Uh, I heard if you like, don't act scared, they won't attack you.
[The dog leaps and bites Beavis' leg]
[talking to some other kids, referring to the dog bite]
Listen up, morons. Some short-sighted federal appeals judge says I can't use this on you. [pats batton] But remember this: In this classroomm, I am the judge, the jury and the jailer!
Butt-head
[to Beavis] Does it hurt when I do this? [pokes the bite with the pointy end of a compass]
Butt-head
Huh, that was cool.
Do you gentlemen have a problem? Do you wish to enlighten the class as to what is festering on your leg, Beavis?
Well. I thought you looked rabid, boy. Now listen close. Get the hell out of my classroom before you infect anyone else with your sickness! You stink of death! Butt-head! This man requires immediate medical attention!
Butt-head
...uh....
HOSPITAL, Butt-head! On the double!
Butt-head
Yessss!
HRHospital Receptionist
Can I help you?
Butt-head
Uh, he's got like, rabies or something.
HRHospital Receptionist
I see. What's your name?
Butt-head
Uh, last name is 'Munch'. First name is 'Rodney'.
Yeah, heh heh, yeah. Rod Munch.
DDoctor
So Rod, I understand you got bit by a dog. Well, don't be scared, cause look: a dog bit my thumb off once too, Rod. [does trick that makes it look like he's taking his thumb off]
Butt-head
Uh huh huh. You're stupid.
DDoctor
Now Rod, I don't suppose you brought the animal with you?
Butt-head
Uh, no. He wasn't like, very friendly.
Yeah, heh, he doesn't like me.
DDoctor
Well, we'll have to find him anyway. In a suspected case of rabies, the animal has to be destroyed, of course. And to check for presence of the disease, he cut off the head and disect the brain.
Butt-head
Woah. That's cool.
DDoctor
Actually, yes. It is kind of cool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on, Butt-head, let's go find that dog.
DDoctor
Not so fast, Rod. Let's talk about your symptoms first. Any dizziness? Nausea? Fever? Any convulsions?
Yeah. Heh, uh, no more than usual though.
DDoctor
Hmm, so far nothing checks out. Maybe you were lucky.
Butt-head
Uh, you mean like, no decrapitation?
I've got it, I've got rabies!
DDoctor
...okay. I'll call the police and let them know about the dog. But first, we better start treatment.
Butt-head
Does he have to get a shot?
DDoctor
You have to get 18 of them, Rod.
Butt-head
Yes!
Butt-head
Cool!
TTV
The good news about rabies is that treating it no longer means a series of painful injections into the solar plexus. New vaccines require only 5 simple shots in the arm.
Butt-head
Hey Beavis. How come that stupid doctor didn't know that?
Maybe he doesn't watch TV.
[switch to the Doctor, who is in a dark room wielding a needle]
FDr. Floss
How about your parents? Your mother, for example. How do you feel about your mother?
Um, like this...(gesturing the shape of his mother's body) Yeah. Heh-heh. Kinda like this...(continuing to gesture).
Butt-head
That's not how I feel your mother.
[slaps Butt-headdown to the floor]
I got the last grape! [takes the last grape sucker]
Butt-head
No way, Beavis! I saw it first!
[Spits on the sucker] My germs!
Butt-head
[slaps Beavis, causing him to scream] No way! [gets kicked in the groin, followed by the head] Uuh! [gets tackled by Beavis] Aah!
[continues screaming] Butthole!
[while they're on the couch, in a somewhat suggestive position] No way! Come on, Butt-head! I always get the grape!
Butt-head
It's not gonna taste like grape, when it's up your butt!
FDr. Floss
[holds up a picture--merely a random pattern] What do you see in this picture?
Butt-head
It's this dude, and he's like "auditioning his finger puppets". Huh huh.
Yeah. Yeah. He's "shining his helmet".
FDr. Floss
I see. And what do you see here? [holds up another picture of random shapes]
Butt-head
Whoa... He's really corralling the tadpole.
Yeah. Yeah. He's really peelin some chilis.
FDr. Floss
I see. What about this one? [holds up another picture of no particular shape]
Butt-head
Woah... Leave a little for next time, dude!
Yeah. Yeah. He's really, like, having a tug-of-war with Cyclops!
Butt-head
[takes the picture and looks at it] Paper or plastic, sir?
Butt-head
Huhuh...he's masturbating.
FDr. Floss
And how about this last drawing? [shows a picture of a Julio Iglesias-like singer holding his microphone pole between his legs in a suggestive manner]
Butt-head
Uhh...that's, like, just a bunch of weird shapes.
FDr. Floss
Fascinating. [calls for Principal McVicker via intercom] Principal McVicker, could you come in here? We've got big problems.
WLWeight Lifter
You were supposed to be spotting me! Stickboy!
Butt-Head
Uh... There you are. Uhuhuh
Yeah yeah, heh heh, I spotted you right over there.
WLWeight Lifter
[lifts them up by the neck and growls]
[while choking] Heh heh hey, don't make me kick your ass.
[The weight lifter throws them through the window]
Hehe, hey, Butt-head. Come here. Check it out, Butt-head. Spandex. [Beavis finds out he was checking out a man] AAH!
Butt-head
You were checking out a dude's butt.
Shut up, Butt-head! You were checking him out, too.
Butt-head
No, I wasn't. I knew it was a guy. I was just gonna, like, wait and say something later.
Beavis and Butt-Head · 2,204 quotes