Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Hey, Butt-head. Sometimes when I play pool, like, when nobody's looking, I like to take that blue chalk, and like, like, chalk up the end of my wiener. It's pretty cool!

Butt-head

Yeah! That's cool! Doesn't that, like, hurt, though?

Beavis

Yeah, but, you know, no pain, no gain.

Butt-head

Hey, check it out, it's one of those magic 8-balls.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah, you like, ask one of those things a question, then you shake it up, and it tells you the answer.

Butt-head

Yeah. We should ask it, "Does this video suck?"

Beavis

Yeah. "Signs point to yes."

Old Beavis

Being a janitor would kick ass, 'cause like, you could just like, listen to music all night, and then you could just like spank your monkey wherever you want, and then you could clean it up, you know, because you already have the mop. See?

Old Butt-head

Yeah. It is the perfect crime.

Old Butt-head

It was the Native Americans who first invented the fist pump.

Old Beavis

Whoa. What's his other hand doing?

Old Butt-head

He's doing a different kind of fist pump down there.

Old Beavis

Yeah, there's something else dancing down there about the same size.

Old Butt-head

He's masturbating.

Old Beavis

Yeah, he sure is. He's not shy about it either.

Old Butt-head

Nothing wrong with that.

Old Beavis

Yeah, I mean, I don't really wanna see it, but you know, no one wants to see me do it either, so go for it. [a picture of Tiësto begins fist pumping] Oh look, Tiësto's spanking his monkey too!

Old Butt-head

Tiësto. [cackles]

Old Beavis

Yeah, you know, if you can't masturbate to your own music, what's the point?

Old Butt-head

Yeah.

Old Butt-head

Uh, I think this guy's like not even a janitor at all.

Old Beavis

Yeah, he's just a really considerate masturbator, you know? Yeah, he brings a mop with him, you know, and a bucket.

Old Butt-head

Yeah, at the front of the museum, they were like, "Sir, you're gonna have to leave that mop and bucket outside." And then he's like, "Uh, no, you're gonna thank me."

Old Beavis

"You're gonna be glad I did, believe me."

But your mama always said, "Look up into the sky, find the sun on a cloudy day..."

Beavis

What's she saying? "Mama always said look up into the sky?"

Butt-head

My mom never said anything like that.

Beavis

Yeah really, neither did mine. She's like "Beavis, mama's got the liquor flu. Get out of here and close the door. Don't slam it!"

Butt-head

[imitating Tones's singing] Mama always said that she's hung over, just make yourself some cheerios.

Beavis

[imitating Tones's singing] Mama always said "There's food in the fridge, I'll be back in about two weeks."

Beavis

Whoa, check it out Butt-head, it's an outie.

Butt-head

That's not an outie Beavis, there's two of 'em. These are nipples.

Beavis

Those aren't nipples Butt-head, look how low they are.

Butt-head

No way Beavis, that's just because she doesn't have any legs or a butt.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

Besides, nipples can be low. Just look at your mom.

Beavis

Yeah, Yeah. Guess they are nipples.

Beavis

Whoa! Check out that black dude.

Butt-head

Yeah. He's gonna save the day.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah.

Beavis

Check it out. He's shaking his head. Wake up! Wake up, wonky.

Butt-head

Yeah. That dude's like saying 'Damn it, quit messing with my head and go get my legs'.

Beavis

Get 'em.

Beavis

Check it out Butt-head, a slot.

Butt-head

Yeah. Your moth-er's a slot.

Beavis

That's not a moth-er. That's a bee.

Butt-head

Whoa, that dude's got a pet bee.

Beavis

You know. Pretty cool. If I had a bee, I'd like teach it to go sting people. It's like, sting 'em, boy! Sting 'em! Sting 'em in the butt, go!

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

Ok, goodnight little dude. See you tomorrow.

Old Beavis

Is this Tyler, the Creator?

Old Butt-head

Uhhh, yeah.

Old Beavis

I mean he's cool and everything, but he kinda needs a better name, you know?

Old Butt-head

If I was gonna be one of these guys, I would be like, Butt-head, the Scorer.

Old Beavis

Yeah, I'd be Beavis, the Mutilator.

Old Butt-head

You'd be Beavis, the Monkey-spanker.

Old Beavis

I guess that has a nice ring to it, I don't know. I mean, it's not my first choice, you know...?

Old Butt-head

If I was stranded on a lifeboat with that girl, I'd be like, "Hey baby. You ever do it on a boat with three dudes in raincoats, masturbating?"

Old Beavis

"Yeah, make that four."

Old Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis, you're messing up my flow again.

Old Beavis

What country's army is this?

Old Butt-head

I think it's like, Europe. Tyler, the Creator's gonna overthrow America.

Old Beavis

Yeah yeah, I think he should overthrow America, you know, because um, because he's got a lot of good ideas, and he's not like these other politicians, you know? He tells it like it is, you know? And he's concerned about my tax dollars, and he says all the things that everyone else afraid to say, you know?

Old Butt-head

Whoa! He's stepping on the army's heads!

Old Beavis

Yeah, yeah, exactly! All these politicians, they don't have the guts to step on people's heads. And all these fat cats in Washington, and these companies in bed with the corporations, and the councils of... representatives... he's in bed with chicks!

Old Butt-head

Yeah. He'll drain the swamp.

Old Beavis

Yeah yeah, then he'll drain the main vein. [Tyler is in a ghost costume] See, he's just like us. He puts on a Charlie Brown ghost outfit, you know... [the costume turns into a swarm of bees] See, now he's turning into bees, you know? Just like us. Like a working man do.

Old Butt-head

Uhhh, so you'd vote for this guy?

Old Beavis

No no no, I'm not gonna vote, no no. That seems like a big hassle, you know? You know I always say, "Don't blame me, I didn't vote."

Beavis

Hey, check it out Butt-head, that's that word.

Butt-head

Yeah. That's that word they put on bathrooms.

Beavis

Yeah. I must mean, like, "crap," or something.

Butt-head

Yeah.

Butt-head

Hey, that's that word again.

Butt-head

Crap is singing.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Crap is on the telephone.

Butt-head

Yeah. This turd found a guitar.

Beavis

And this piece of crap is playing the drums. Yeah.

Beavis

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Butt-head

Dillweed.

Beavis

He's got one of those attention headaches.

Butt-head

Yeah. He's got an attention headaches this big.

Beavis

Sometimes, like, when I get a headache, it's like, I hit myself in the head really hard, and, it's like, it just makes it hurt worse.

Butt-head

You're pretty stupid, Beavis. Next time I have a headache, I'd like to try hitting you in the head.

Beavis

Oh, yeah, yeah. That would be cool.

Butt-head

Is this "art"?

Beavis

This "means" something.

Butt-head

Yeah, huh-huh-huh. It means something stupid.