Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Is that Billy Idol?

Beavis

This is a story.

Butt-head

Yeah! The story is: Once upon a time, Fonzie dyed his hair blond, and got on his motorcycle.

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

And, uhh...uh, then he started singing, and this woman dropped this TV out of her window.

Beavis

No way. Then he got in a motorcycle accident. And there was blood. The end.

Look at me again and there's gonna be a fight...

Beavis

There's gonna be a fight?

Butt-head

Yeah. It's gonna be one of those girl fights.

Beavis

Fight! Fight!

Butt-head

Whoa! He's gonna get some 'cause he's "Weird Al."

Beavis

Yeah. If you're famous, all you have to do is just walk up to chicks and say, "Give me some."

Butt-head

Yeah.

Butt-head

These guys aren't even playing their instruments.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Their fingers aren't even moving. What a bunch of fartknockers!

Butt-head

You mean fakers, Beavis.

Beavis

Um, yeah, they're fakers, but like, they're fartknockers, too.

Butt-head

Is this, like, about the mail?

Beavis

Yeah, I think so. Where does the mail go?

Butt-head

I think it, like, goes down into these pipes underground.

Beavis

Oh, really? Then where does it go?

Butt-head

I think it, like, goes to the North Pole. And then they, like, put a stamp on it, and then it goes back to your house.

Beavis

Really? Thanks, Butt-head. You're interesting.

Butt-head

Uh, are those butts in that bottle?

Beavis

Ummm...

Butt-head

Did you know that, like, every time someone smokes a cigarette down to the end, it's like, kissing a butt?

Beavis

Oh yeah. That's cool.

Butt-head

Uh...you know what, Beavis?

Beavis

Um, no, what?

Butt-head

I don't really feel like watching this right now.

Beavis

Yeah, maybe we should, you know, like, try watching it again later.

Butt-head

Yeah, I thought of that, too.

Beavis

Uh huh.

Butt-head

You know, if it's on.

Beavis

I understand, yeah.

Butt-head

But if it's not on...

Beavis

M hm?

Butt-head

...who gives a rat's ass?

Beavis

Yeah. [changes channel to the video "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" by Elton John and RuPaul]

I wish it didn't have to be this way. I really do. But sometimes in life, we have to protect our own heart, even if it means ripping it out of our chest.

Old Butt-head

Yes!

Old Beavis

Ooooh, yeah! Hell yeah!

Old Butt-head

That's how we do it around here!

Old Beavis

Yeah! America! Yeah!

Old Butt-head

I bet we could do better than those guys. We should become hitmen.

Old Beavis

Yeah yeah, really! That's a good idea, yeah! How do you become a hitman though? Oh, I know! Maybe I'll ask at the unemployment office! Yeah! See if they have any hitman jobs, you know?

Old Butt-head

Uh, sure. Can't hurt to ask.

Old Beavis

You know, at my last job interview, the guy asked me to stop jiggling my leg, and I said "Shut up or I'm gonna kill you!" But see, this time, on this job interview, that might get me the job, see?

Old Beavis

I'll tell you something, if I was a hitman, I would be the model of professionalism. AndI would even clean the grease traps if they wanted me to, you know?

Old Butt-head

Uh, there aren't any grease traps when you're a hitman, dumbass.

Old Beavis

Yeah, there are. They're on the grill.

Old Butt-head

You're thinking of Burger World.

Old Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, but, you know, I could do all my hits in Burger World, you know? Mix business with pleasure, you know? Oh, you knot what else? If I ran out of bullets or something, I'd give them like a triple cheeseburger, with a side of macho fries, and then they'd just die of heart disease, you know? I got time.

Old Butt-head

Also like, if you're a hitman, and you didn't wanna come into work one day, 'cause like, it was the weekend, you could just say your grandma died, and then if they said they were gonna go check, you could just kill her.

Old Beavis

Oh yeah- wait a second... no, I don't like that, Butt-head. That's messed up. You said you have to work on weekends as a hitman?

Old Butt-head

Uh, I think you have to with whenever someone needs killin'.

Old Beavis

Eh... this just might not work out. It was a beautiful dream...

Butt-head

Boy, their mechanic uniforms are clean.

Beavis

Yeah, they're usually all covered with like grease, and oil, and stuff. It's probably because it's just, they're not fixing any cars, they're just like, doing it with girls.

Butt-head

"Here at TT&T Auto, we won't fix your car, but we will have sex with your women."

Beavis

"That's the TT&T guarantee."

Butt-head

"If we don't score with your women, your repair is free."

Beavis

Yeah. "Our satisfaction is guaranteed."

Butt-head

Ughh!

Beavis

What, what? I feel asleep there. Yeah. What is this?

Butt-head

Uhhh, I think it's Jackyl.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah.

I'm not afraid of getting older, I'm one less day...

Old Beavis

Is this one of those videos where they show everyone who died during the year?

Old Butt-head

Uhhh, oh yeah. I think it is. It's like, one of those "In Memor-bab- Memorat-torium."

Old Beavis

So all these people did this year? [Rob Thomas is shown] Whoa, I thought that guy died years ago! Wow.

Old Butt-head

Uhhh, he might as well have.

Old Beavis

He's kind of looks like that room-mom, you know, in kindergarten that used to give like, juice boxes to everybody.

Old Butt-head

He drives a Subaru. [chortles]

Old Beavis

How come there's all this fire around them?

Old Butt-head

I think that means that all these people went to Hell.

Old Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah. Well, good for them. You know, I've heard good things about Hell, you know?

Old Butt-head

Yeah. I've heard they have fornication.

Old Beavis

Yeah yeah, and fire too, yeah!

Old Butt-head

Fornication and fire.

Old Beavis

Yeah yeah, it's like a Benihana's down there.

Old Beavis

You know, Butt-head, I'm always afraid I'll see one of these, and then I'll see myself, and that's how I'll find out. And I'll be like, "Wait a second, I must have died this year!"

Old Butt-head

Don't worry, Beavis. You'll never be in one of these. No one will notice when you die.

Old Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head!

Old Butt-head

You could be dead right now, and I would not know or care.

Old Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! You're freaking me out, come on.

Old Butt-head

I'd just step right over you.

Old Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head!

Old Butt-head

You'll be in the section of the show called "Good Riddance."

Butt-head

Hey, Beavis. This song is about a boner.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. It's about a bad boner, isn't it?

Butt-head

There's no such thing as a bad boner, Beavis.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. Um...no, wait a minute, Butt-head, I had a bad boner once. That's when I had the chicken pox, and I had my hands duct taped. That sucked.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. I'm sorry. I stand corrected.