Neville quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

...Cheers, Neville.

Neville

There must be some way I can save a bit more of me money.

Aye. This is it. Sitting in at night, feeling bloody miserable. A working man's entitled to his leisure, Neville. He shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Neville

Aye, I know, I know. It's just... if I earned a bit more, yer kna... I wouldn't feel so guilty about going out with the lads.

Don't be so sure. Bomber's first law of economics is, the more income he gives me, the more I live beyond it. [Neville chuckles.] Perhaps you could do with a little spare-time job. A bit of moonlighting.

Neville

[Sighs] Fat chance. [Walks over to Bomber's bed.] Anyway, what are you doin' in tonight, Bomb? You're not saving as well, are ye?

[Sighs] Not exactly. Bomber just needs to think a bit. That's all.

Neville

I don't wanna pry, Bomb, but, er... if there's any problem, yer kna?

[Holds up the photo in the wallet] She's the problem. [Neville takes the photo.] Tracy, my sixteen-year-old.

Neville

What's the matter, like?

She ran away from home.

Neville

Oh, no.

It might be nothing, of course. She... left a note. It didn't say she ran off with a used car salesman, or some beat group.

Neville

So what are you gonna do? Phone the police?

The wife already did that this morning. If we haven't heard anything by Sunday, I'll have to go back.

Neville

Well, look. I'll have a word with the lads, and we'll have a whip-round for your plane ride.

Thanks, Neville, but don't do that. Don't want everyone with long faces.

Neville

No, I suppose not. [Goes back to his beer] Hey, d'you fancy a beer over the club?

I thought you were trying to save your money.

Neville

Well... I am, but, erm... it doesn't seem that important now.

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[To Oz] Take this man's name, Oz. He's late.

Neville

I couldn't get the bed off me back this morning. I dunno what's the matter with us! I'm never usually this bad of a Monday morning.

What time did you come in last night, like? You must have been late 'cos I was in bed at midnight, you weren't there.

Neville

It's just as well, isn'it? Or else the lads might talk.

Just answer the question, eh?

Neville

I dunno. Half one?

Half one? What were you doing 'til half one?

Neville

I was out. In town. Walkin', like.

Walkin', like?

Neville

Aye.

Aye, well, I suppose it's one way of savin' up money.

Neville

Aye, and keepin' fit. [To Oz] Hey, hoy us that bolster, will you, Oz? [Oz doesn't respond.] Oz? [Goes over and picks it up himself] Give us that bolster, man! [To Dennis] What's the matter with him? Did he fall out of the wrong side of the coffin?

Aye, well, y'see, Oz reckons that you're letting the hut spirit down by goin' off on yer own, so as a mark of his disapproval, he's sent you to Coventry. Or whatever the German equivalent of Coventry is!

Dresden.

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All reet, Wayne?

Bomber's daughter's here.

Where? Here?

Yeah. And between you, me and the gatepost, mate, she's a right piece of jailbait!

Where is she?

Hello, Wayne.

Hello.

[Shoves the worker away.] Hey, you. You're wanted on deck.

Erm... Tracy, these are some of your dad's mates. [Points to them] That's Neville, Oz and Dennis.

Hello!

Hello, love. Er, right then, love, let's go and have a sit down, shall we? [They go find a table.] Okay. Over here, then, pet. That's it. There you go.

[Aside, to Wayne] I see what you mean about "jailbait".

Er, Oz, get the beers in, will you?

Right, yeah.

[To Tracy] What will you have to drink, love? Will you have a Coke or a 7-Up?

Oh, I'd like a Williams schnapps, please. My dad told me all about it.

Right. [Claps his hands, about to approach the bar.]

[Sotto voce to Oz] Coke.

Well, she's just said...

Coke! Coke. [While Oz gets the drinks, the others sit at the table.]

Neville

So, how'd you get here, then, pet?

I hitched. Got a juggernaut from Swindon right over to Bremerhaven. He was called Wayne too, only that was his last name. [Wayne tries to look away.]

Uh-huh. Er, now, then, I take it that you know your dad's not here, Tracy.

Yeah, the silly sod's gone back home!

Well, I mean he only did that because he was worried about you, you know?

There was no need to worry, I'm sixteen. I'm old enough to look after myself.

Mm-hmm?

Erm... What are you gonna do then, love, eh?

Well, er, obviouly I think we should phone Bomber and let him know that Tracy's safe. [To Tracy] In the meantime, I think you should stay with us. Now then, er, I know you're a big girl, Tracy, but this is a foreign country, y'see.

Does that mean I can stay in your hotel?

[Approaching with the drinks] Hotel?!

Yeah. My mum said that's where you all live. It's got a bar and video games and swimming pool, hasn't it?

Neville

The pool's empty just now, pet.

Hey... how are we going to get her in past the Erics, eh? I mean, we can't leave her here all afternoon, can we?

Hmmm... Did any of you ever see Albert R.N.?

[Sat on his own on a table behind Wayne and Tracy] I seen Albert Bennett. Oh, what a centre forward he was!

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Right, lads! I reckon we should go down the club.

Eh, hold on! What are we gonna do about Tracy, eh? We can't take her down the club! Apart from six geezers and one bird, lookin' a bit dodgy, mate! She can probably drink us right under the table!

I know, and that's exactly, why you're gonna stay here and look after her.

ME?!

Neville

Wayne?!

Yes, Wayne. Look man, you've got much more in common with her than anybody else. I mean things like, er, music.. and hair... earrings...

Neville

Hold on, Dennis. I don't mean to be rude, but is Wayne really the right bloke to be babysitting a sixteen-year-old girl?

Yeah, it'll be like putting the rat in charge of the cheese larder!

I don't know whether or not to be flattered or insulted by you lot!

Look man, I can't do it, can I? I'm old enough to be her father. I mean, Neville, he'd be the obvious choice, but he's going out again, isn't he? I mean... Barry and Moxey would bore the poor girl to death with their herb talk, wouldn't they, eh? And guarding a bog door's about the limit of Oz's responsibility! So that just leaves you, son!

Yeah, well I can see your reasoning, Den, but look, you can't have helped but notice that Tracy's a bit of a... you know, she's a little bit of a come-on, isn't she?

Yes, I know! And who better to cope with her than a man of the world like you, Wayne, eh?

I've got it. It's like them American TV films in there, you know? Where they get an ex-con to go after with the bad guys. 'Cos he's the one who knows how they think.

Moxey, you've just hit the nail on the head, son!

Oh, well thank you for that tribute, Moxey(!) ...So you all trust me then, is that it?

Course we trust you. Look, I mean... You know that she's Bomber's daughter, don't you?

Yeah...

And you know that we've put our complete trust and faith in you? And you know that, er, if you lay so much as one finger on her, we'll have your plums on a skewer.

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WWaiter

Guten Abend.

Oh, table for seven... [Holds up six fingers and a thumb] Seven, eh?

WWaiter

Seven. Moment. Ich hole... (I get...) [Goes off.]

Just pull the tables together, man. [He pulls two tables together and they all take their seats.]

[To Bomber] Just like that one in Taunton, isn't it, dad?

Very nice. Very nice.

[To Moxey] Hey, I tell you what, we should get Barry a vindaloo, eh? That'll get him back on the old beer.

Get 'im back on the portaloo an' all! [They all laugh. Except Barry.]

Ha-ha. Very funny(!)

Right, listen, Oz, I'll handle it this time, okay? We don't want your Give Us a Clue routine upsetting the waiter. All right, Lionel?

All right. All right. Well, let's get him out. [Calls out] Hey, Sabu! [A waiter enters... it's Neville!] Bloody hell, it's Clive of India! [Everyone turns and looks at Neville]

Whoa! I've heard of the northwest frontier, but never the northeast!

[Laughs] That's what you've been doing, eh? Starring in Aladdin!

Neville

[Not amused] Aye, aye. Go on. Get 'em all over with!

Oh, I should think we've only just started, boyo. [They laugh.]

[Singing] Oh doctor, I'm in trouble...

AAll

Goodness gracious me!

Neville

[Angry] That's right! Aye, have a good laugh! Just 'cos I show a bit of initiative and get meself a part-time job!

What on earth is Brenda saving for to reduce you to this, eh?

Neville

Well, if you must know, it's our fifth wedding anniversary later this year. I thought it'd be nice if we had a second honeymoon.

Dressed like that, eh? Lovely?

Neville

Give it a rest, Wayne, man, will yer?

So where were you thinkin' of goin'? New Delhi?

Neville

Dunno. Probably the same as the first time - Minorca.

I still dunno where Minorca is.

Neville

How do you think I feel? Neither do I!

How much do ya need, then?

Neville

That's just it, I've nearly got enough, Dennis. I'm just seein' out the week. I never thought you lot would find out.

Well, I tell you what, you get the order right tonight, we'll all put a good tip in, won't we, lads?

Oh aye, aye, aye. Now that we've got that... [Cracks up] ...Now that we've got that sorted out, can we have a bit of service, Gunga Din?

AAll

[Laugh. Then they start singing again as Neville gives them their menus] It goes boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom boom boom!

[Shouts out as Neville makes for the kitchen] New lamps for old! New lamps for old!

Hey! Neville! Have they got any, er, chicken? [Squawks and flaps his elbows as a humiliated Neville retreats into the kitchen]

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Neville

Just got up an hour ago. Slept like a log.

Woke up in the fireplace, eh?

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PPolice Captain

[Reading back her statement] "...je mehn ich loszukommen versuchte, desto gewaltsamer wurde er. Er schlug mir auf den Kopf und schlug auf mein Gesicht gegen die Hauswand. Er hörte auf, als ich zu Boden fiel und weinte. Er trat noch mal nach mir, auch ins Gesicht bevor er wegrannte. Und er schrie an meinen Nachbarn nitchs anzufangen. Ich versichere alle Angaben der Wahrheit ansprechen nach bestem Wissen und Gewissen gemacht zu haben." ("...the more I tried to get away, the more violent he became. He hit my head and hit my face against a wall. He stopped when I fell to the ground and cried. He kicked me again, including in the face, before he ran away. Then he told my neighbours not to interfere. I assure you that I address all statements of truth to the best of my knowledge and belief.")

[He hands the statement back to Bettina to sign]

PPolice Captain

Bevor sie unterschreiben, möchte ich dass sie es noch einmal durchlesen. Lesen Sie es sorgfältig und lassen Sie sich Zeit. Vielleicht möchten Sie etwas ändern oder vielleicht ist etwas Ihrer Aufmerksamkeit entgangen. Möchten Sie einen Kaffee? (Before you sign, I want you to read it over again. Read it carefully and take your time. Maybe you want to change something, or maybe something has escaped your attention. Would you like a coffee?)

BBettina

Ja, bitte. (Yes, please.)

PPolice Captain

Ich lasse welchen kommen. (I'll have it brought to you.) [He opens the door to his office.] Wie gesagt... Lassen Sie sich Zeit. (Like I said... take your time.)

Neville

[Frightened] Please... Why am I here? [The Captain doesn't answer] Me hier, Herren, why?

PPolice Captain

Ich glaube das doch wohl vollkommen klar. (I think it's quite clear why.)

Neville

I don't understand German. Doesn't anybody here speak English? Will somebody tell us what's going on?

PPolice Captain

Ihr scheint immer noch nicht zu wissen was Sie angerichtet haben. Letzte nacht, warten Sie das junge Mädchen nach Hause. Sie versuchen sich ihr sexuell zu nähern. Wenn sie ablehnte, worden Sie aggresiv un greifen Sie gewaltsam an! (You still don't seem to know what you've done. Last night, you walked that young girl home. You made sexual advances on her, and when she refused, you became aggressive and violently attacked her!)

Neville

[Even more frightened] I don't understand...

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Neville

...I dropped her off at her apartment. [The typist writes that up.]

PPolice Captain

You go with girl?

Neville

Pardon?

PPolice Captain

[To the typist] Fragen Sie, ob er zusammen mit den Mädchen aus dem Taxi gesteigen ist. (Ask him if he got out of the taxi with the girl.)

TTypist

[To Neville] You went with her... to her apartment?

Neville

Well, she asked us to. She said it was dark and she asked us to take her in. But I only went part of the way. Then... [The Captain gets up.] ...she asked us inside, but I said, "No, I had to get back." So, I left her and went to find another cab.

PPolice Captain

[To the typist] Fragen Sie wie lange es gedauert hat bevor das andere Taxi bekam. (Ask him how long it took before another taxi came.)

TTypist

[To Neville] How long did it take you to get another cab?

Neville

Only about ten minutes. I was back in the hut soon after.

TTypist

[To the Captain] Er hat ungefähr zehn Minuten und ist kurz nach zurück in der Baracke gegangen. (It took him ten minutes, then he went back to his hut shortly after.)

PPolice Captain

Das is Zeit genug. (That's enough time.)

Neville

[To the typist] What did he say?

TTypist

He said it was long enough.

Neville

Long enough for what? I was only with her a minute at the most. (The Captain takes the statement from the typewriter) It took us about ten minutes to find a cab. You can check the times with the barman, and all me mates, and both cabbies. [The Captain and the typist leave the room.]

What did he say?

He said he wants to question you and everybody who was with Neville that night. He's coming back to the building site with us.

Well, can I not go and see the lad?

Please, Dennis. It'll not help.

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D'ya wanna stop for a drink?

Neville

[Sighs] No. Just let's get back, eh?

Eh, we would've had you out earlier, yer kna, if we'd had the money.

Neville

[Still shaken] Mr. Bauer said the lads had had a whip-round, like.

Right, and you can thank Helmut and all the Erics for that.

Neville

[To Helmut] I cannae thank you enough! [He starts crying.]

Howay, bonny lad. Get it out of your system, and then you can face the lads. Hey, they're all dyin' to see you, Nev.

Neville

[Fighting back the tears] I never thought I'd... miss Oz!

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Bauer's right. It's full of holes. Look! According to this police report, they saw this girl, this Bettina, near the street where she lives. The patrol car spotted her, noticed she was in distress, but she ran away. They followed her on foot and caught up with her.

So what exactly is the point?

Look, she ran away, right? She didn't report it. She didn't go to the police or register a complaint or whatever they call it.

Right. so when she sees the law, does a runner.

Absolutely.

Hmmm... but see, the prosecution might argue that the girl evaded the police because she didn't want the aggro, like. Oz, you see, most rape cases, they don't get reported, you know, because the victim don't want the stigma.

Oh, aye?

Yeah, fair enough, Barry, fair enough. But the other alternative is, she was, er... trying to protect somebody.

Neville

The boyfriend!

Boyfriend?

Neville

The bloke she was with in the bar.

There were shaggy-haired louts round her.

Ah! Nev's right. There was, there was one bloke in particular, right. She was having a right ding-dong with him, right? He looked very beady when Nev went off with her.

[Turns to Neville] Ah, that's why she tried to pull you, then. To get up the other geezer's nose.

You mean it weren't Nev's irresistible charm? [Oz and Bomber chuckle]

HHelmut

Well... listen, I get friends. We find these... who you look for.

[Gets up] That's more like it! Let's find the bastards and give 'em a good...

HHelmut

No, I think...

Aye, I think so!

You just stay put, Oz!

[Stands up in front of Oz] Pipe down, prannet! [Oz sits back down again.]

HHelmut

We know the bars, speak language. Ask questions.

You need someone to identify them.

[Gets up] You and me go, Bomb. We'll know them.

Right, by Jove. [He, Barry and Helmut leave the hut]

Neville

I think they had a jeep.

I'll make some coffee. [Gets up.]

[To Bomber, Barry and Helmut] Good luck, lads!

I'm going for a shower. Fancy a couple of jars later, Nev?

Neville

Right. You're on, Wayne. [Wayne leaves. Neville turns to Dennis] A thing like this really lets you know who your friends are, eh?

You're right there, it does that. Listen, er... there's something I've got to tell you.

[Gets up again] Look, I'd better get over the bar as well. I'll see you later, lads! [Oz makes a hasty exit.]

Neville

...What?

Brenda. She's coming over.

Neville

What?!

She knows all about it.

Neville

How did she find out?

You didn't ring on Monday, yer see. She panicked, she rang the site... Oz was passing, like.

Neville

[Gets up, annoyed.] Oz! I might have bloody known!

Look, it wasn't entirely Oz's fault, Neville! Yer know, I mean, he was caught on the spot. I mean, he couldn't explain why you weren't available without her thinking you were ill or something. Anyway, I rang her straight back. But she was adamant. Anyway, she missed today's flight, but she'll be over first thing in the morning.

Neville

They should've kept me inside.

What for, bonny lad?

Neville

'Cos I'm gonna kill Oz!

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Hey, you're some swimmer, aren't ya?

At school I was even better. I won many prizes.

Did you win a prize for English too?

Oh yes, of course.

Just as well, isn'it? Otherwise we wouldn't have much to say to each other.

Ja? I'll just need to teach you German.

Oh ey, I might have to be 'round a long time for that!

So?

Suits me.

Me also.

I don't believe it!

Neville

[Running down the side of the pool to Dennis] How, Den!

What made you come here?

Neville

Oz seen you leaving with your towel, so we worked it out.

Oh, terrific(!)

[Resurfaces, spitting out some water] How, Dennis! [Swims up to Dennis, swallowing more pool water as he goes. He notices Dagmar at the other side of the pool] Hey, isn't that the tart from the office?

Neville

Oh aye, it's Dagmar.

[Covering his tracks] Aye, apparently she, er... comes here a lot, like, yer kna. I just, er... bumped into her. Just a coincidence, like.

[To Neville] Howay, then, get yerself in, Nev, man. It's lovely! [Neville dives in]

Neville

Aye, it's a great idea, this, Den!

Isn't it(?) Aye.

Well I can't understand why you never told wor you were coming. [To Neville] Give you a race.

Neville

Right! [Neville and Oz swim off. Dennis signals to Dagmar that he'll ring her. Dagmar reciprocates and swims off.]

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Neville

Oy, Oz.

Sssh. Quiet, son. Big score coming up 'ere.

Neville

Wayne and Barry have...

Sssh. Whoa, man. [Points to the high score] I'm nearly on five and a half million, man!

Neville

...They've just pulled two Swedish air hostesses.

[Shocked, he stops playing] Air hostesses?! [The ball goes out of play, and it's game over for Oz.]

Neville

Swedish ones.

[Kicks one of the legs of the pinball table] 'Ere, might as well get a beer. D'ya want one?

Neville

Aye. I mean, I can understand Wayne, but Barry? [They go to the bar]

Two bottles of pils here, Adolph. Jammy Arabs. How did they manage that?

Neville

Well, they haven't exactly nailed 'em yet, but they know they're stopping at the Inter-Continental so they're goin' round there on the off-chance.

Ahh, well that's hardly guaranteed, is it?

Neville

Suppose not. Aye, they'll probably hang round in the bar there all night for nowt, then come back and spin some extravagant tale for our benefit.

Aye, aye. That's them. [They have a drink.] Hang on a minute... So you reckon they'll just be sittin' in the bar on the off-chance, hangin' around waitin'?

Neville

Apparently.

Right, let's get them. [Goes to the payphone]

Neville

Eh?

Set them up.

Neville

How?

Well... A stroke I pulled at a hotel in Sheffield one time. It was the night before Newcastle played Burnley in the semis. Hey, what a game that was, kidda. Supermac scored twice, and on the way back we smashed this Little Chef up on the A1 at Wetherby...

Neville

[Interrupting Oz's train of thought] Aye, never mind that, man. What was the stunt?

Oh, aye. Right, follow me. [Heads for the payphone again, burping as he does.]

What are we gonna do, then? Just, er... just sit here all night on the off-chance, or what?

Just bide your time. I'll think of something.

WWaiter

[Brings them a couple of beers] You are residents, sir?

Yeah, er... but I'll pay cash. [Hands the waiter some money] And keepen ze changen. [The waiter leaves a receipt and leaves.]

What did you say that for? We're not staying 'ere.

Yeah, but we could be if things work out.

No, we don't look like residents, especially with your haircut and earring.

Well, they'll think we're roadies.

Ah, aye? Fat chance.

Leave it out, will ya? Have a drink.

Hello? Yep. Inter-Continental? Yes, hello, yes. Can you get a message, please, to Mr. Wayne Norris? Yeah, Herr Norris. Yes, he'll be in the bar. ...Yes, and the message is, that, er... he's expected immediately... yeah, immediately, in Room 612. Yes, that's it. Danke schön! [Puts the phone down. They laugh] That'll wind 'em up!

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Neville

Good morning, Dennis. And where have you been, eh? [Dennis walks past, staring angrily at Wayne and Barry] Or maybe we shouldn't ask.

Aye. Maybe you shouldn't. Not that it'd make any difference, like. I mean, news spreads faster than the plague around here.

Neville

What's the problem, like?

[Points to Wayne and Barry] Well, ask Abbott and Costello here.

Come on, Den. We was all after the same thing last night, weren't we? I'd say you were a bit more successful than what we was, eh?

Yeah. Look at my ankle. It's all puffed up.

[Whacks Barry's ankle. Barry winces in pain.] I know all about you two, man! I spent an hour in the manager's office explaining who me guests were.

Oh dear. D'you mean there... d'you mean there were repercussions?

Aye, you could say that, Barry. I mean, it was you two who terrorised some innocent couple, wasn'it?

You didn't finger us, did you?

No, no. Said you were two blokes I'd met in the bar. [Points his finger in Wayne's face] But in future, you just stay out my life, right? [Grabs his washbag and towel, and leaves for the bathroom cabin.]

Neville

Is there something you two haven't told me?

Howay, Moxey, man! [Kicks the cubicle door] Hurry yersel' up! The amount of time you spend in there I'm surprised you don't move in!

Hey, I'm not doin' this for pleasure y'know, Oz. It's the bloody sauerkraut! [Dennis enters the cabin]

How, Den.

Is somebody in there? [Kicks the cubicle door]

Aye. Moxey. Put yer name doon for about Tuesday.

I've gotta get out of here, man.

[At the urinal] What's the matter, like?

Well those two pricks, man, Barry and Wayne, totally destroyed my weekend!

Aye, well, I didn't do their weekend much good, me, like.

How's that?

Well, I'll tell yer all aboot it. This'll cheer ya up...

[Furiously] DID WHAT?! [Chases Oz out of the cabin]

[Running away] Dennis, what's got into you, man? [Runs away while Dennis gives chase. The toilet flushes and Moxey steps out of the cabin.]

[Calling out] It's f-free now!

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Neville

Oh, hitch-hiker.

It'll be a bit of a squeeze.

Neville

Ah, but there's not much traffic on this type of road, man. Howay, let's give him a ride, eh? [Dennis stops the car. Neville winds his window down.] Howay!

[Waking up] Why have we stopped?

Good Samaritans, aren't we? Hitch-hiker. [He runs across the bridge to the car.]

Hey, it's a bloke! There's no room for a bloke! A Swedish girl, maybe we could fit her in, but... but not a bloke!

[Looks inside the car] ...Bitte?

Neville

...Where you go? [Points to the road ahead] You go east?

Are you English?

Neville

Yeah. Are you?

Yeah.

Oh, hop in, bonny lad.

Cheers. [Gets in the back next to Moxey. They drive off.]

You, er, on holiday, are you?

[Hesitantly] ...Yeah.

Took you a while to get a lift, did it?

...Yeah.

Where are you headed?

...This way. [Nods forward and chuckles]

It's a bit of a back road this, isn'it, if yer hitchin'?

...Well you... you can't hitch-hike on the Autobahns, can ya?

Ah, na. No. Suppose not. But hey, we're just headed to the back end of nowhere here, mind.

Anywhere's fine by me.

You've no place in mind, then?

...No, I was... I was headed south, er... I know this girl in Munich.

It's not the way to Munich, this.

Well, I'm in no hurry, er... Thought I'd see a bit of the countryside first.

Aye?

I'm a student. I'm, er... I'm just seeing a bit of the countryside.

Neville

Travel's an education in itself, isn'it?

So they say, yes. So they say.

I'm Bomber, this is Moxey. [Points to the front seats] Dennis and Neville.

Neville

I'm Neville. [Points to Dennis] He's Dennis.

...I'm Colin. Listen... what do you lads do then?

Best not to ask. Wanted by INTERPOL in eight countries, we are! [The lads laugh.]

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There's a river near where I live that's as good a stretch of salmon fishing as any. Not that I'm allowed to fish it. Toffs bought all the rights. But that doesn't stop ol' Bomber!

Neville

I'm glad we came, aren't you?

I'm glad I got here, mate. I nearly took a wrong road at Siegen.

Neville

It's just so... I dunno, different. It's like I'm seein' the real Germany.

Right, well you know, if you're gonna broaden our horizons, Nev, we've gotta escape from the confines of our professional situation.

Neville

Aye, that's what I'm always saying. Well, words to that effect.

Right. That's Oz's problem, you see, Nev. He's got no desire to educate himself, has he? [Neville shakes his head] Or acquire a knowledge of the outside world.

Neville

You're right.

Elaine Surtees was just the same.

Neville

Who?

That, er... that girl I was telling you about, you know?

Neville

Oh, aye. Droitwich. The moustache.

Right, right, yeah. As you say. D'you know, the height of her ambition, Neville, was a semi in Codsall, right, and two weeks in the year in Magaluf. Nah, she... she would have stifled me, Neville.

Neville

Aye, I'll bet.

There's no salmon fishing where I come from, y'know. I fished a canal once, though. Caught a plimsoll and a couple of contraceptives.

LLandlord

Good evening. I think you need more pils?

Neville

Oh, aye! Bring 'em over!