That's real fresh air that, Neville.
NevilleIsn't it, eh?
I need that after last night's beer.
I hope you're keeping a tab on everything, Dennis.
Yeah. You know? Share all expenses, in't we? Even stevens, like. Hotel bills, hire of the rods, grub, you know. Stuff like that.
[Stops in front of Barry] Barry, d'you ever leave off, eh?
Look, Dennis, somebody's got to think of these things in the absence of an elected leader, you know, haven't they?
Neville
Mornin'! [Colin gets up. He's freezing.]
I... I couldn't get a lift, so I kipped down.
Well, why didn't you stay with us? You could've stayed in the village.
...No, well I've been camping, y'see.
Well, a bedroll don't take up much room, do it?
You've been sleepin' rough, haven't you?
Just last night, that's all.
I'll be okay, honest. I'm all right. [Starts to walk off.]
[To Colin] Listen. We're stayin' at a place in the village.
Right. There's my room key. Get yoursel' back there, have a hot bath, get yerself summat to eat, then have a good kip.
Go on, before you catch pneumonia.
[Takes the key] Cheers. Thanks very much. [Walks off towards town.]
C'mon, lads, we've got some fishin' to do!
I knows one thing - that Colin's no student. We don't know where he's going, and he ain't camping 'cos he got no gear.
Neville
He looked scared stiff, if you ask me.
Ahhh... Despite your cynical exterior, Dennis, you... you give your fellow man the benefit of the doubt, don't you?
Hey... you trust people, you do.
Neville
Well, you've got to, haven't you?
Nah, nah, I'm not disputing it's an admirable attitude. No, no, no. I just... I'm just thinking, you know...
I was thinkin' that maybe it was, er... misplaced. You know, your trust, like.
Well... Consider that Colin, right. Now you must admit he does look a bit desperate. I mean, he ain't shaven for a few days, has he?
That's 'cos I'm growing a beard.
Well, he's not a student, right, as Bomber so rightly surmises.
Naffin' hell, Barry, man.
No, hear him out. Let him make his point.
Oh, there's a point to all this, is there?
My point is this - if he's not a student, right, and he was hangin' around last night, maybe it's him what tried to steal me bike. Maybe at this very minute, just maybe, he's goin' through all our things, right, prior to pissing off to destinations unknown. [Sniffs] Of course, this is a hypothetical speculation, not taking into account trust, which, er, which Dennis puts so much store in.
Come on! [They all get up and head back to the hotel, only to find Colin hasn't run off. In fact he's still there, having had a bath and a shave, and having a meal.]
It ain't much of a story, as it happens. There's this German girl, she lives in Heinsburg, near Munich. We got engaged at Christmas. I was gonna stay in Germany. If I couldn't get a job, go back to the UK. Then last week, she breaks it off, just like that.
Neville
That's tough.
It happens though, don't it?
And there's, erm, no possibility of a reconciliation, I suppose?
Well, you should've told us this yesterday, an' then you wouldn't have had to kip in a field.
[Hesitates] ...Yeah ...Well, thanks for the meal, and everything. Much obliged. [Starts to get up, but is stopped by Bomber]
Where are you headed, then?
...South. I'm going south. Erm... Geneva. I thought I might get a job there as a waiter or something like that.
Neville
Hey, he can come back with us.
Neville
You'll have to shovel.
No. ...No, I couldn't do your blokes' sort of work.
Neville
Aye, aye. You can shovel, be a labourer.
Ah, of course you could. Couldn't he, Den?
Well, don't ask me. It's up to the lad.
Neville
Yeah. Are you ready for more?
Neville
Yeah, it's all totally different over here. See, in Germany, us brickies have to do our own labouring.
Neville
Oh, aye. There's just one over boss, Grunwald, and his sidekick, Ulrich. They're the only two you've got to watch out for, right?
How do you get on with the Germans?
Neville
Oh, okay. They're just canny lads, mostly, like the rest of us. [Adds some water to the concrete mix] Only smarter!
How do you mean, "smarter"?
Neville
Well... yer kna, better turned out. See, the Brits are really scruffy, we wear jeans and sneakers, that kind of thing. Oh, and they never wear their hard hats. Nah, the Erics, they're, er... they're more military. Here, grab a hold of them, will yer?
Here, Nev, what do you call the Germans "Erics" for?
Neville
Well, if we want to talk about one of them in front of them, like, we call 'em Eric, and that way the Germans think we're talkin' about some bloke called Eric. Good, innit?
Neville
Yeah, and then there's a lot of Turks over here an' all, and a couple of Dutch. The Turks mainly like in the hut next to us. [Notices Herr Ulrich on site with two policemen investigating the vandals. Thinking they're coming for him, he runs away] Some Greeks, but not many of them, like. [Turns round notices Colin running away] Colin? What's the matter? [Herr Ulrich and the policemen walk past Neville to examine the graffiti.]
Neville
Hey, Den! This really strange thing just happened!
[Eating a banana] What, Oz has shook hands with a German?
Neville
No, man. Seriously.
Neville
You know I've been workin' with that Colin lad? Well, these two policemen just turned up with Ulrich. I dunno, probably about the vandalism. Anyway, when Colin seen them, he turned white as a sheet, did a runner.
Neville
Aye, he's gone. Psht, vanished. I've searched the whole site, there's no sign of him.
Well, have the police gone after him?
Neville
No, man. Look, see, the coppers were here aboot the break-ins, right, but the point is he obviously thought they were after him. Colin did.
Oh, I see. Aye, he didn't seem too sure of his story, did he?
Neville
Right, aye. I dunno, he seemed such a canny lad, but... I cannae imagine him in trouble with the law.
No, you cannae tell these days, man. I tell you what, we'll just get back to work, right? If he shows up, we'll have it out with him, right?
'Ere, Den. Grunwald's looking for you. [To the barman] Bier, bitte.
Grunwald? What's he want?
Well, you know that nutter Magowan?
Aye, he's a bit of a bloody headcase, he is, in't he?
Ahh, well apparently, he had a bit of tiff in a bar last night.
I suppose "fracas" is a better word, really. Anyway, he put some Eric in hospital, and he's in the nick.
Neville
Doesn't surprise me. He's a nutter!
Well, what's that got to do wi' me?
Well he must have given his employer's name, who rang Grunwald, who came down 'ere to tell us that it's our responsibility to bail him out.
Neville
Ah?
'Cos he's a Brit. Says the behaviour of the Brits is none of his business.
Well, it's none of my business either, is it, eh? He lives in the hostel, doesn't he, eh? He's not in our hut. Let 'im stop in the nick!
He's still a Brit though, ain't he, Den? And Grunwald sees you as top man, don't he?
Ahh, bloody hell, man! I'm not accountable for every mad man in Germany just 'cos they're British!
Ah, he is a bit of a hooligan, him, like.
Best place for him, innit? Bloke like that in the nick?
Trouble is... Grunwald reckons if we can't take care of our own, we can all ship out.
Neville
That's not fair! It's nowt to do with us!
I'm just tellin' you what he said.
Neville
But... you mean it's him or us?
Yep. Either we look after it, or we can get the next boat home.
What do I want now? It's him! What on earth possessed you to bring him in here?
Well, Dennis, he had naewhere else to go.
Well, that's his hard lines, right? He brought that on himself.
Well, you cannae see a bloke without a bed, man, Den.
Him, you can. You're better off buying him a cage, mate. He even snores aggressively.
Neville
He's gonna make all our lives a misery.
Well, he cannae make your life much more of a one, can he?
Look, leave Nev alone! Nev's right, Nev is! He's gonna spoil everything, he is!
He's only one person, man!
Look, man, we've just about got used to living with each other, right? Now it hasn't been easy, but we've managed. Now you, you've gone and bollocksed everythin' up, askin' him in here!
Yeah, we're not a bleedin' halfway house, man.
No, he's gotta go, it's as simple as that.
Oh yeah, and you're gonna tell him, is that it?
No, no. Uh... I thought Bomber would.
Oh, terrific(!) Bomber's not back 'til next week.
Alright then, we'll get up a delegation, right? We can write a strongly worded protest and then Dennis can go...
"Dennis can" what? Oh aye, Dennis can tell 'im to naff off. Dennis can get his head thumped!
Ah, we'll all back you up, though.
No, Dennis has got a point.
Well I dunno what all the fuss is aboot, he's not a bad bloke.
Oh, no, compared with other violent psychopaths, I suppose he isn't(!)
Well, you've just gotta know how to handle 'im, man.
Well no-one else has, have they? He's done previous, you know.
Neville
Has he?
Yeah, some of the lads told me.
Well, I should hardly think it's income tax evasion.
G-grievous bodily harm, more like.
[To Oz] Look, you asked 'im in 'ere, right? You can get shot of 'im.
All right, all right, man! It's nae skin off my nose!
It will be if you don't don't ask him right.
[As Barry throws...] Treble... double 20... and a 20... and 5. 65.
65? I'm getting good at this, ain't I? I could make the team. [Gets the darts out.]
Too late now, it's already been decided who's playin' - me, Dennis, Magowan and Moxey.
Oh, Moxey's only in because of his board, isn't he? [Oz takes his turn]
So it's not true. Look, we played the aggregate all week, right? I qualified fair and square.
Yeah, only by the skin of your teeth.
I still qualified, though!
Bloody hell, you'd think it was the Olympics!
[Counting his total] Seventy-four... [Imitating a darts announcer] "Oz, you require double 16." [Gets his darts while Barry steps up to the oche.]
'Ey, you could be scorer, Barry.
Bog off. That's Nev's privelige, innit? After all, he arranged it.
Is, er, Nev picking up them soldier lads, then?
[As he throws] Ah, the station, three o'clock.
Better organise the booze, eh?
Yeah, we can arrange it on the dining table, can't we?
All right. Get some crisps.
Oh, nice and festive, eh? What about some balloons?
[Looks at Barry's score] 13? I thought you said you were improvin'!
[Points behind him] Well he put me off with his bloody sarcasm, didn't he? [Neville enters the hut]
All right, Nev? Letter on your bed, mate.
Neville
Oh aye? It's probably from Brenda, wondering why her money's short this week.
Is that why you're putting in so much overtime, then?
Neville
It's not for the love of it, is it?
Double 8 needed... [Having hit a single 16, he then hits a treble 16.]
[Chuckles] Ah, choked under pressure. Let's see... you want double 8, and I want...
Neville
[Reading the letter] Oh, aye, it's from Colin.
Oh aye? What's his craic?
Neville
...Oh, they've got a dress parade tomorrow morning. Oh, he's comin' over Monday instead.
Oh, that's no good. It's no fun unless it's the weekend. [Barry hits a 5 and a 4...]
Well, that's all right, it'll give us some practice time. [Barry misses the board entirely and hits the wall.] Nice shot, Barry. One in the 5, one in the 4, and one in the wall.
Neville
Best get the booze in today, eh? Naebody'll have any money left come Monday. Has that Magowan paid us anything back yet?
Neville
I want what he owes. There's no reason why I should have to work Saturday mornings and Brenda go short for the likes of him, is there?
[Hitting the double 8] That's it. Beautiful dart.
[To Dennis, gesturing to the barman] Hey, there's no crisps, Den. We've got to have crisps, mate!
Man! You can get yer crisps on Monday, man, Barry!
[Entering the bar] Wa-hey!
Did you get the, er, spirits, mate?
Why aye. [Produces two bottles from under his jacket and places them in the crates] Schnapps... and a bottle of vodka.
Neville
That should be enough, shouldn't it?
That depends if the Army drink as much as us lads, eh? [Barry chuckles.] Listen, this lot's not got to be touched 'til Monday, right?
What?! Hang on a minute! I mean, if we're ganna carry this all the way over to the hut, I think we deserve a drink.
Nah, nah, we've got it in now, man, as an insurance against anybody's reckless spending, right? Not one drop of this will be touched by anybody. Including Magowan. [Neville, Moxey, Barry and Dennis each pick up a crate, while Oz picks up the schnapps and vodka]
He's no problem, you know. 'Ey, he pissed off, y'know, when he heard the darts had been cancelled. Said he wouldn't be back 'til tomorrow.
You mean we've got a night's reprieve?
[Suddenly jubilant] Right, in that case, it's my round! [Puts his crate down] What do you want to drink? [The others also put their crates and bottles down]
Neville
That's more like it!
And we'll get stuck into the vodka when we get back.
Neville
Aye! Let's celebrate, yeah?
[To the barman] Five bottles of pils...
Where have the lads gone?
Down the pub, I should think.
Did you, erm... have a nice time?
Oh, yeah. Nice time. Aye.
Neville
Why? Did you have a fight?
What's that supposed to mean?
Neville
Isn't that your usual way of havin' a good time?
[Laughs nervously] It's just a joke, innit?
I must have got paralytic if my head's any clue.
Where... where'd you stay, like?
Over the river there. I got this bird, see, I gave her a right seeing to. You would have been proud of me. [He notices the crates of beer] Christ! Miracles never cease, eh?
Neville
[Stops in front of Magowan] That's for tomorrow night for the match.
[Pushes Neville away] You're not gonna miss a couple of bottles, are ya? [Gets a bottle from the crate and opens it]
Neville
No, but we all chipped in for that. Did you?
Well, I never invited them! [Takes a swig]
Neville
No, but they're our guests.
Look, I'll win that darts match for you, all right? Put some money on that, you'll get it all back.
Neville
I want back what you owe me... what you owe all of us. [Magowan aggressively approaches Neville]
[Backing away] Oh, I'm all right, like. I've got a bit put aside, you know.
Neville
Just... what you owe for the bail, like.
Look, if I'm gonna get a flat I'm gonna need that money, aren't I, as a deposit. That was all agreed.
Neville
Well I never agreed.
Talk to that wet nurse of yours, you know, Patterson. He'll put you straight.
Neville
I don't care what the others agreed. I want my money back.
Nev, I think you'd better leave it. I think Mac's getting the needle.
I only get the needle when I drink.
Neville
Dutch courage, you mean?
[Aggressively puts the bottle down and confronts Neville] Look, Geordie, if you wanna make somethin' of it, I'll bloody kill you. [To Barry] And that goes for you an' all, mate! [Shoves Neville] Got that?
Neville
Don't shove me!
No? [Shoves Neville again.]
Neville
Hey! [Shoves Magowan back. Magowan headbutts Neville and punches him in the stomach!]
Oi, leave 'im alone! [Magowan goes for Barry, who backs off straight away, cowering. Neville coughs and retches, clutching his stomach. Magowan grabs his coat.]
Hey. I'll be back for the darts match. [Throws his empty bottle at Barry, who catches it, then leaves the hut.]
I got me cards from Grunwald.
He says he heard through the grapevine the judge is gonna do me when I go up, you know, make an example or somethin'.
Apparently. I told yer they'd stuff it to me, didn't I? Vindictive bastards!
Aye, well, yer... yer best off goin' home. It's better than bein' in the clink.
Aye, s'pose so. [Starts to walk off]
Neville
You'll not be missed.
[Turns back and squares up to Neville] That's your bail money up the spout, kid! [Walks off again, this time picking up a wrench as he passes a digger, throwing it through a cabin window, breaking it.]
[Gives a thumbs up] Nice one.
Hey, Nev, what time are the Army arriving, eh?
Neville
Aboot six o'clock, I'd better put a move on, eh?
We'll go down on the bike, they can follow us back in a taxi.
Neville
Ahh, great!
Aye, it should be a good night. And you're in the team after all, Nev.
Neville
Ah, that's not important.
Neville
How, Den!
Hello, Dennis. [The lads put their tools in storage] Ahh, it's great, innit? The old spirit restored.
Aye, a darts match and a piss-up to follow, eh? Magic!
Better get some practice in.
Yeah, gotta make a good show against the Army lads.
Aye, well there's no panic. We can have a monumental piss-up, but you can forget all about the darts match.
Magowan's pissed off with the dartboard. [We see the bare wall where the dartboard used to be. Moxey looks disappointed.]
Er, listen, lads, if youse lot wanna make a few bob on the side, er, maybes you should come in wi' me.
Doin' a bit of moonlighting, are ya, Oz?
Well, I might have this business proposition, right? See, I've met this Eric. Canny lad... for an Eric. Anyway, nothing's finalised yet, so I can't say so much, but if you want in, now's the time to speak up.
Hold on... d'you mean speak up to divvy up, son?
Well, tell us what it is, then.
Neville
Well, how will we be expected to chip in if you won't explain?
Well, that's the whole point, man, Neville.
Neville
Well, it escapes me, Oz!
Look, the more yer speculate, the more coin yer get back in the back end.
But Oz, we're entitled to know what we're speculatin' in!
Aye, in due course, Dennis. When I get everythin' finalised. [Checks himself in the mirror.] But, er, for the moment, all I need is yer readies and yer trust. [Turns round to see blank faces.] Was that askin' too much, like?
Neville
Ah, howay!
Nah, you're askin' too much, son.
Well, suit yerselves, I'll seek investment elsewhere, stuff you lot!
Oz! How, at least give us a clue!
[Leaves the hut... then pokes his head in a few seconds later] Well, it's adult, and it's liable to cause offence. [Leaves the hut again.]
Dennis [Thinking aloud] "It's adult, and liable to cause offence"?
What happened, Hedley, back in the war? I mean, what started all this off?
HHedley
[Takes a breather] ...Staff Sergeant Hedley Irwin, 22215709, sir. [Starts coughing violently.]
Take it easy, Hedley. It's all right, man.
HHedley
[Points under his bed] Give us that tin.
Neville
[Getting the tin] This one?
HHedley
Aye, that's it. [Hedley opens the tin.] I was in the war, you know, as well. [Getting his medals out.] Army of Occupation. Stayed on. The Yanks... the Ivans... and us. [Starts coughing again. He reaches for his mask.]
[Helping Hedley with the mask] Take it easy, it's all right. [Hedley takes a few deep breaths.]
Neville
[To Dennis] What's he on about?
Well, y'see, when the war was over, the British, the Americans, the French and the Russians, they stayed in Germany to, like, occupy it. Yer kna, to administer it, like. Well, Hedley, he was obviously in the British lot.
HHedley
[Takes the mask off and puts it aside] Non-fraternisation. That's what they called it. You weren't allowed to mix. But a lot of Jerries worked for us. But you weren't allowed to fraternise socially. Verboten. [Takes out an old photograph of a young woman and shows it to Neville] She worked at Command Headquaters. On the switchboard, she worked. Spoke the bloody lingo, didn't she?
So... what did you do that was so terrible, then?
HHedley
Why, I married her, didn't I? [Starts coughing again.]
Here. [Gives Hedley the mask.] Nurse!
Neville
Hey, the rules were ever so strict. Even when our lot wanted to pick up their kids from school, they couldn't talk to the German parents. I think that's terrible, don't you?
It seems a bit unnecessary, seeing as the war was over.
Seems perfectly logical to me. I mean, if I'd spent six years fightin' the Krauts, the last thing I'd wanna do would be to fraternise with them in the local!
Neville
Aye, but the war was over, Oz.
Oh, aye. Precious comfort for some(!) Precious comfort for me Uncle Dan who got a leg blown off in Tripoli. I cannae see him wantin' to buy drinks for the buggers who blew it off in the first place.
Neville
Well, the Germans suffered too! Everybody suffered one way or another.
So what happened to old Hedley, then?
Neville
He married her, didn't he? So they cashiered him. Hoyed him out of the Army. No pension. Nothin'. 'Ey, it's tragic when you think about it.
Me granny suffered an' all, yer kna. They flattened her with a bomb on her way back from The Black Horse. Poor soul. She only nipped out for a milk stout!
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
