Cyril Figgis quotes from Archer

Cyril

I moved in with my last girlfriend after four weeks!

Lana

What are you? A lesbian?

Cheryl

Pick one. Either A, I tell Lana what happened on that scratchy green office rug, or two, you get inside me.

Cyril

Or C, maybe I just jam this mop into the engine and kill all of us.

Cheryl

I don't think that's how blimps work.

Cyril

Darn! Right, we just sort of float around. Stupid, naturally safe helium.

Cheryl

But I am liking the jamming imagery... [She rips open her shirt] and the killing.

Cyril

[To Pam, who's sitting nearby] And you are just going to sit there?

Pam

Yeah, until she tags me in!

You're driving Cyril straight toward another woman.

Lana

Cyril? With another woman? Mallory, seriously. Look at me.

Cheryl

Look at me! Look at and choke me! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh my God yes!

Cyril

Oh, my God, what am I doing?

Pam

[on the toilet in the open bathroom] You're ruining your life, you idiot! And making it hard to drop a deuce.

Cheryl

Cyril! Are you cheating on me?

Cyril

No. I'm just... uh... trying to get my muffin back.

Cheryl

No you're not!

Cyril

I'm not?

Cheryl

Not like that, you're not. You gotta slug her in the diaphragm with a forearm shiver.

Cyril

That's... ah... good to know.

Cheryl

Do it! [Cyril slams Pam in the gut. She collapses and vomits on the floor] And no muffin. See? Time lost is muffin lost.

Archer

Cyril. Cyril! CYRIL!

Cyril

What?!

Archer

I'm rescuing Lana, as usual!

Cyril

Hey, shut up!

Lana

No, as a matter of fact, I don't have Barry on speed-dial.

Cyril

Well, gee, that's rather surprising.

Lana

You know what's surprising? Kissing you goodbye at the airport, dozing off in first class, and then seeing you on my flight when I get up to pee! That, to me, is rather surprising.

Cyril

And really expensive, turns out.

Cyril

You've cheated on Lana plenty.

Archer

Yeah, but with starlets, models. Oh, and one time, two actual princesses.

Pam

Two at the same time?

Archer

Yeah. They were sisters.

Pam

Sploosh!

Lana

Okay, we've got the French chick, and Carol, and-- anybody else, Ram-bone?

Cyril

Uh, no...

Hi, Cyril. [laughing and coughing]

Cyril

Well...

Lana

Scatterbrain Jane?! Really?

Cyril

Well, see, she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Lana

Oh right, I forgot, your dick's full of radiation and mastectomy coupons.

Cyril

Boy, you are just so determined not to be cool about this.

Lana

Yuuup.

Cyril

Why are you even here?

Ray

Hello... [holding up number to bid on sex with Lana]

Cyril

But you're gay!

Ray

Girl, please, nobody's that gay.

Cyril

These are from a doctor!

Cheryl

So? Krieger's a doctor.

Cyril

Not the medical kind!

Krieger

Not even the other kind, technically.

Archer

Cyril, better pill up; you're assisting Krieger with the surgery.

Cyril

Why me?

Archer

You're good at math.

Cyril

How's that supposed to help?

Archer

Can't hurt.

Archer

Hey, you idiots wanna hear my plan or not? [Silence] Alright... Suggestions.

Cyril

About what?

Archer

What are we talking about... Stopping my mother from selling ISIS to ODIN!

Cyril

You said you had a plan.

Archer

My plan is to crowdsource a plan!

Cyril

For god's sake, Pam! Have you no sense of decency? That bathroom's like a... a war crime.

Pam

Don't blame me, it's those new low-flow toilets! With the old ones, you could flush a dachshund puppy. [Pause] I mean, not that you would.

Cyril

You know tontines are illegal.

Pam

So are all kinds of shit, but look at these odds. Half the people that work here are field agents...

Cyril

...who get killed in the line of duty all the time! And the control room...

Pam

...is just one great big asbestos lawsuit waitin' to happen.

Cyril

Yeah, here are some more claims forms.

Pam

And how long you think this one's gonna be around?

Cyril

Yeah, count me in.

Cyril

So how about I take a look at it? I'm sure I could kill that pesky ol' worm.

Lana

How? You gonna disappoint it to death?