PPilot
[sigh] What an asshole...
“White Nights” · Season 2, Episode 12
In this episode: Malory Archer (11), Barry (5), Lana Kane (2), Pam Poovey (2), Russian (2)
What an asshole...
Pam!
[From outside office] I'm not eavesdropping...
Get your bloated carcass in here!
[Entering] Whattup?
You filthy sneak! You've been going through my desk?
OK, A: No-one cares about your big knobbly vibrating eggplant. B: Sometimes I work late and C: There's this new thing all the kids are doing called Shutting the Damn Door!
And then I put whipped cream over everything and you know where this goes...
Undercover?
Of course undercover!
As what? Russia's only black woman?
You're still together?
Ex-fiance, thats what I meant to say.
Well, then it wasn't meant to be.
[nervous chuckle] I don't even know... how to respond to that.
Ohh but he's such a douche bag...
I know dear, but he's also my son.
Not Archer. Well, also very much Archer. But I'm talking about Barry.
Who is in-fact sitting right here. Do you wanna... do it on the desk or... in the hallway? Where you wanna knock this out?
Lesson one--
Don't "lesson one" me, Barry.
According to ODIN's guy in the KGB. Which, as a real agency, we have.
We've got guys in the KGB too, smarty.
Yeah. So i hear.
How did... Pam!
[From outside office] I'm still not eavesdropping!
Piece of! How are you a super power!?
Oh that is bullshit! Who would break into this shit hole!?
Come on, we don't have all night.
Yeah right, like you've got plans.
Good bye, Mr. Archer.
Hey. Fuck you, you douche bag.
So Barry, looks like the whole "find out who my father is" thing isn't happening, and so now I just want to get outta here, so I'm thinking that we probably should split up.
[nervous] No, no, no! No please! A--Archer, your boots are slipping, man!
Probably because there's 200 pounds of asshole hanging off them.
183, fat boy!
Whatever, tell that to my silk socks.
Why are you wearing silk socks?
...Is that a joke?
Archer, let--let me climb up you! No! Please! Archer, Don't!
Barry. Barry, buddy, this is happening.
Archer, no!
So, try to aim for that dumpster.
[falls from Archer's lower half, taking his shoes and socks with him] Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhaaa!!!
Bye, Barry. Dead center. Good work, Barry. [angry] Oh, for...why don't you just go to my house and take all my clothes?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.