Lana Kane quotes from Archer

Lana

OK, fine, I can't prove anything right now.

That didn't stop J. Edna Hoover from persecuting Martin Luther King, now did it?

Lana

What does that have to do... Wait, J. Edna?

You never heard that? How Hoover was a huge cross-dressing chicken hawk?

Lana

I had not.

Well that's exactly the kind of slanderous and unsubstantiated rumor that I will not tolerate at ISIS. Think about that while you're on suspension.

Lana

While I'm on what?!

What are you, deaf and racist?

Lana

I'm black!

Oh, put it back in the deck.

Lana

I want you to listen to me.

Archer

Then unperforate my eardrum.

Lana

Un... head up your ass.

Malory

[to Archer] Regale him with tales of ISIS exploits. Take his mind off Lana's huge Johnny Benchian fingers.

Lana

Could we get off my fingers?

Cyril

Yeah, they are pretty big.

Lana

First time I've heard you complain.

Dr. Krieger

[on Elke] Like to get a physical from her.

Cyril

Or with her.

Lana

[performing painful nerve hold on Cyril] I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows how many pounds of pressure it takes to snap a human collarbone.

Cyril

She probably uses the metric system.

Pam

Yeah, what do they use--kilowatts?

Dr. Krieger

No. In this case, it would be pascals.

Cheryl

Hey, Europe: be gayer.

Malory

Lana, release him!

Lana

As you wish. [She releases Cyril] I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Cyril

I find your mannish hands disturbing.

Pam

I think they're kinda sexy.

Lana

Excuse me?

Cheryl

They're fingers, Pam. Not kielbasas.

Cyril

I moved in with my last girlfriend after four weeks!

Lana

What are you? A lesbian?

Malory

But even though Cyril may be clingy...

Lana

Oh, Saran Wrap could take a lesson.

Archer

[after being distracted by Lana in her underwear] Right, because you walked into Strippers Discount Warehouse and said, "Help me showcase my intellect"!

Lana

Strippers Discount? Hel-LO! These are Fiacchi!

Archer

I think it's pronounced "knock-off"!

Archer

Lana. Lana! LANA!!!

Lana

WHAT?!?

Archer

Danger Zone.

Lana

Cyril is already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air-drying your unkempt bush.

Archer

Unkempt bush!? You're one to talk.

Lana

My vulva is a smoother than a veal cutlet!

Lana

What would you say if I told you your mother made a phony bomb threat just to get a free ride on a blimp?

Archer

I'd say that's fairly classic her.

Lana

CAP-tain LAM-mers!

Archer

Nice read, Velma.

You're driving Cyril straight toward another woman.

Lana

Cyril? With another woman? Mallory, seriously. Look at me.

Cheryl

Look at me! Look at and choke me! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh my God yes!

Cyril

Oh, my God, what am I doing?

Pam

[on the toilet in the open bathroom] You're ruining your life, you idiot! And making it hard to drop a deuce.

Lana

Where the fuck are you going?!

Archer

To get my turtleneck! I'm not diffusing a bomb in this.

Lana

What are you doing back there?

Archer

I don't know!

Lana

What, are you just hitting random keys?

Archer

Well, obviously!

Lana

Yes, we need a code cloner! Duh!

Archer

These were all I could find. I'm thinking: goggles, yes; shovels, I don't know how or why we'd use them.