[Commander is examing on the egg]
Careful. Nice and easy. Slowly. Real careful-like.
CCommander
[yelling] I KNOW!
Eyes on the egg! Don't get distracted!
S15Shell Game
You're not gonna get away with this! I snuck on a walkie-talkie and alerted the other Protectors.
How did you sneak on a walkie-talkie? I did repeated full-cavity searches!
It was in my pocket.
Oh, my life. It's flashing before my eyes.
[Steve experiences a lengthy flashback of his family immigrating from Italy and experiencing life in the 50's. He steals cookies from Francine, attends his fist communion, and witnesses Snot die from a car bomb]
What the hell is in that sauce?
S15The Mural of the Story
The teacher here is supposed to be the most intense and demanding instructor in all of clowning, and--[immediate realization hits him] shit, it's Roger, isn't it? It's gonna be Roger.
Alright, jagoffs. The name's H.J. Rimmens. Look to your left. Look to your right. By the end of the semester, 60% of you will be dead by your own hand. The rest will be clowns, ya dig?
Okay, I'm outta here.
[checks clipboard] Huh. I'm-- I'm a little confused, because you said here on your application you wanted to be a clown.
[whispers] More than anything.
So what's your gooch? [to the other students] "Gooch" is horncorn for clown name. "Horncorn" is horncorn for clown lingo. Gonna be honkin' a lot of horncorn around here, ya dig? [to Steve] So what's your gooch, kid?
Dimples.
Dimples? Pretty buckety gooch, don't ya think? [to students] More horncorn. [chuckles, then turns back to Steve] Relax, just sliding your whistle. Why don't you show us what you got?
I...uh...
Come on man, no pressure. Just lay a little jape on these cats. Whatever you got. No big.
Fart was a nice touch. Smells, too. Ladies and gentleman, we could be looking at the next Emmet Kelly... [Steve smiles] of sucking!
[disappointed] Ohh.
That's right, you nut-lickin' little turds! I ain't here to hold your hands! I'm here to play mind games and emotionally abuse you into being clowns! [he kicks on the the balls, it bounces off a wall offscreen and hits his crotch, he falls over in pain] That's clowning, you shitheads!
Well, kid... you suck...
[disappointed] Mm.
...ceded beautifully...
[hopefully] Mm?
...at being god-awful...
[disappointed] Mm.
...is the opposite of how I feel.
[hopefully] ...Mm?
Psych! You stink, and I hate you. [Roger pulls Steve down by his bowtie and speaks directly into his face] Now get this through your skull, man, 'cause I don't play mind games. You will never be a clown.
You got potential, kid, and you can't teach that. You know what? I host a little retreat every summer at my house on Block Island for just a handful of my most promising students. No real structure, we just honk a little buffoonery, lay some japes, blow each other-- you know, clown stuff. And I think you could make the cut.
Really?
If you push yourself to the absolute limit. [a goofy ringtone plays, and Roger pulls out his phone] Uhp, I gotta take this. It's my ac-clown-tant. You know, a clown-accountant. He's got this giant calculator that only ever adds up to "boobs." Pretty funny, but frankly, I think he's been stealing from me.
S15(You Gotta) Strike for Your Right
So many people dead. Breaking Bad is depressing!
For the saps who watch the show in regular order!
Yep... for us "reversos", and Christian Scientists, I think, death is but the beginning of the story.
There is a time and a place for striking.
When management puts profits above the health and welfare of the workers who earn it for them?
What? No. When you need to destroy an organization from the inside.
You're such a dick, Dad.
Speaking of being a dick...you're not gonna love this. [He puts a bag over Hayley's head]
Oh, man! This bag better be reusable!
S15Klaustastrophe.tv
Steve was right to hold out for something better.
Why? What's he got going on?
He's going to Rhode Island with Stan, see the Harlem Globetrotters.
Goddamn Klaus.
People are actually watching this?
Hundreds!
And you can make money from it?
Thousands!
It'll take more than just shouting numbers to get me on board.
Millions!
Well, you called my bluff. I'm in.
S15Death by Dinner Party
Roger said I have to stay in the closet because I'm dead. Do I get to be alive, now?
Sorry, babe.
It's okay. I've got my animal crackers and my bathroom bucket.
How did you know what I would do and say?
That's where I come in. I wrote over 1,800 pages of dialogue to account for any possibility. We spent months rehearsing to make sure we got the performances just right.
TTuttle
Vikram threatened to walk out multiple times.
But Vikram killed it.
S15The Never-Ending Stories
This was their last known location. They couldn't have gotten far.
That's what I thought the first time Dimitri ran away from home. Found him in a Burger King restroom three towns over. Thank God it was a glory hole hotspot. Reached out to my vast network of glory boys. Within hours I was relaxed enough to look for Dimitri on my own.
We appreciate you listening more, Dad, but when are you gonna get your tongue reattached?
Roger won't give it back.
That's 'cause I'm still waiting for that dinner.
Roger...
All right, fine. [He pulls a Gramophone out of his butt] This is gonna take a minute, Stan.
Stan (reading Deputy Director Bullock's text message): "I'll be back to teach tomorrow. I got kicked out for not jerking it in the steam room."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.