“The Mural of the Story” quotes from American Dad!

Steve

The teacher here is supposed to be the most intense and demanding instructor in all of clowning, and--[immediate realization hits him] shit, it's Roger, isn't it? It's gonna be Roger.

Roger

Alright, jagoffs. The name's H.J. Rimmens. Look to your left. Look to your right. By the end of the semester, 60% of you will be dead by your own hand. The rest will be clowns, ya dig?

Steve

Okay, I'm outta here.

Roger

[checks clipboard] Huh. I'm-- I'm a little confused, because you said here on your application you wanted to be a clown.

Steve

[whispers] More than anything.

Roger

So what's your gooch? [to the other students] "Gooch" is horncorn for clown name. "Horncorn" is horncorn for clown lingo. Gonna be honkin' a lot of horncorn around here, ya dig? [to Steve] So what's your gooch, kid?

Steve

Dimples.

Roger

Dimples? Pretty buckety gooch, don't ya think? [to students] More horncorn. [chuckles, then turns back to Steve] Relax, just sliding your whistle. Why don't you show us what you got?

Steve

I...uh...

Roger

Come on man, no pressure. Just lay a little jape on these cats. Whatever you got. No big.

Roger

Fart was a nice touch. Smells, too. Ladies and gentleman, we could be looking at the next Emmet Kelly... [Steve smiles] of sucking!

Steve

[disappointed] Ohh.

Roger

That's right, you nut-lickin' little turds! I ain't here to hold your hands! I'm here to play mind games and emotionally abuse you into being clowns! [he kicks on the the balls, it bounces off a wall offscreen and hits his crotch, he falls over in pain] That's clowning, you shitheads!

Roger

Well, kid... you suck...

Steve

[disappointed] Mm.

Roger

...ceded beautifully...

Steve

[hopefully] Mm?

Roger

...at being god-awful...

Steve

[disappointed] Mm.

Roger

...is the opposite of how I feel.

Steve

[hopefully] ...Mm?

Roger

Psych! You stink, and I hate you. [Roger pulls Steve down by his bowtie and speaks directly into his face] Now get this through your skull, man, 'cause I don't play mind games. You will never be a clown.

Roger

You got potential, kid, and you can't teach that. You know what? I host a little retreat every summer at my house on Block Island for just a handful of my most promising students. No real structure, we just honk a little buffoonery, lay some japes, blow each other-- you know, clown stuff. And I think you could make the cut.

Steve

Really?

Roger

If you push yourself to the absolute limit. [a goofy ringtone plays, and Roger pulls out his phone] Uhp, I gotta take this. It's my ac-clown-tant. You know, a clown-accountant. He's got this giant calculator that only ever adds up to "boobs." Pretty funny, but frankly, I think he's been stealing from me.