My God, Stan. How come I've never heard of this tree-father before?
Stan': I brought you there tons of times! I made us have our wedding there.
Oh. I just thought you were a cheap asshole.
S13Roots
S13Hayley Smith, Seal Team Six
Roger, we can't have a grown woman acting like a child. This ain't no Disney Channel.
S13N.S.A. (No Snoops Allowed)
[walks over to Klaus] Okay, Klaus, I will try one of your hazel whatevers.
[Hayley takes a bite out of the omelet with a fork and gets a look of satisfaction]
Mmm! This is really good. What's in it?
Hazel nut, butter, eggs, veal, milk. [Hayley spits out her omelet] I use whole milk. Some people...
Wait. Veal?! There's meat in this?
For thickening. You know what they say; you can't make hazelnussomeletten without kinderkuhfleische.
Klaus! I haven't eaten meat in over a year! [retches]
[Hayley starts to feel sick, covers her mouth, and runs to the bathroom to vomit and coughs. Klaus turns to Roger]
How do you like yours, Roger?
[Roger feeds his omelet to the Roomba]
Ah, it's great, it's great. [smiles uneasily at Klaus]
[Hayley kneeling down at the toilet after puking up her omelet]
[sniffles] Sorry, toilet. I know you've been a vegetarian as long as I have.
Francine (comes in wearing a robe and heels with a frying pan in hand): Well...I did it. I provided food for the family. (shows a butterflied Klaus sizzling in the frying pan): It's Klaus. (voice breaking): But...but...we can't afford tartar sauce!
(Hayley and Roger break down crying)
Oh! What a horrible nightmare! And why did I include that extra part where I actually saw Mom stripping? One problem at a time.
S13Stan Smith as Keanu Reeves as Stanny Utah in Point Breakers
Stan, hamburger buns were on sale, so I stole 600.
When I have a baby, I'm going to name it Recycling.
Steve (showing Stan the palm of his hand, which has a bright red slash across it): Dad, me and my mysterious friend are blood brothers now.
Stan, FIFA said the downstairs bathroom is going to need 70 urinals. It'll work if we use the hamper.
S13The Devil Wears a Lapel Pin
Steve (picks up a can of beer): Goodbye, old friend. You burned too brightly for this world. (opens the beer and pours it on the ground. He notices that Francine is under him drinking the beer, whispers to Francine): Mom, that's not funeral behavior.
Francine (drunkenly): You're not funeral behavior.
S13Stan-Dan Deliver
Steve (looking around fearfully): This is -- This is weird. I've never been up here before. Things are different.
Yeah, this floor went to hell after the mill closed. (as they approach the classroom door): And here's your new home.
(Steve looks inside. The students are your typical ghetto punks and street trash, chattering, making out, arguing, and stealing from each other)
Principal Lewis (as Steve continues looking inside): Society's given up on these kids. The school's given up on these kids. Their own children have given up on these kids.
Steve (fearfully): They're looking. They're looking at us. Y-y-y-you think they can read lips?
Principal Lewis (loudly): They can't read books! (cut to the ghetto kids glaring at Steve and Principal Lewis. Cut back to Steve and Principal Lewis, as Steve puts his arm through the door window to find that there's no glass between them): They're a bunch of dumbasses with no future.
Steve (gasps): There's no glass.
Principal Lewis (picks up Steve by the back of his shirt and hurls Steve in through the door window): Fresh meat! Ha-ha! (runs off and trips. Then gets back up and continues running): Lewis gets away again!
S13Anchorfran
Klaus (uneasily): So...what happened back there?
Roger (eerily calm, flat voice): We went to the mall and had pizza because that's what Dylan likes.
Hayley (picks up the Dream Phone, which is now covered in blood): Why is there blood on the Dream Phone?
Roger (still eerily calm): He likes malls, and pizza, and me.
Steve (opens the bag on his lap): Uh, Roger, w-what's in this jar?
Dylan was being bad. (smiles evilly): And now we have the jar. (Turns on the radio, which starts playing The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited", while Klaus, Haley and Steve look terrified in the back seat)
S13The Unincludeds
FSFuture Steve
Oh it is. I've had sex four times with three different women.
You hear that, Snot? Someone came back for seconds. [notices Snot isn't here] Snot? He went down the party! He's gonna ruin everything! [goes down to get Snot, but Future Steve grabs his arm]
FSFuture Steve
Okay, go get him, but don't talk to anyone. Don't do anything memorable. Just make your usual zero impact on people. Your future depends on it.
S13The Dentist's Wife
How come the pizza guy didn't help us?
'Cuz Klaus didn't tip him.
An apple is a tip.
S13The Nova Centauris-burgh Board of Tourism Presents: American Dad
Well, at least we got to LARP long enough for Cat Girl and Glove Nose to permanently confuse what I consider sexual.
What's LARPing?
Steve (chuckles): What's a LARP? I just...I can't even...What did you do in high school?
Sorry, Steve, guess I was too busy scoring mad pole.
A cake gets messed up. A Quiznos bathroom gets messed up. You destroyed a galaxy, mother.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.