American Dad! quotes

Snot

I got you dinner. You couldn't leave a ladder for me?

Steve

My mom would see it. It's too dangerous.

Snot

No, what's dangerous is crawling past Hayley's room with a plate full of chipped beef.

Steve

Wait, her room's on the other side of the hou--

Snot

[cuts off Steve] Let's not get bogged down in the details about who was masturbating where. You just have to end this war with your mom.

Steve

I tried, but she wants to keep fighting, so now I'm in it to win it.

Snot

Look at yourself. You've already lost, bud. You stink, and you're starving. And you're not wearing underwear.

Steve

How can you tell that?

Snot

We're best friends. I know your body. If you're not gonna make up with your mom, you've got to learn how to take care of yourself.

Francine

You know what, Trisha "The Sizzle"? Fuck you! [Turns to Steve] Sometimes it's okay to say it, like now, or when you're driving.

Hayley

Winner, winner, weed for dinner.

Stan

Counterpoint, I was the only chauffeur who got laid last night.

Steve

[crying] I'm throwing away your business card!

Stan

So this is that Lance guy you are so gay for.

Roger

I'd have to be a cold-blooded sociopath not to put on this boy and walk him around the block

This isn't how she wanted to end her day...or her life.

Francine

[enthused] A real New York hotel! How many Wall Street bankers have had their first prostitute here?

Even though it's adding 45 minutes each way, it's neat to take the train to lunch.

Excuse me, sir. Would you mind if we took your taxi? We're a sweet, young newlywed couple and we kind of expect the world to give us things.

Stan

[easing a gun past Hayley towards "Jeff"] Hayley, cover your ears. Daddy's going to make a bang.

Francine

[giving Hayley advice about Jeff] Rings catch girls. [lowering her voice and rubbing Hayley's stomach] Babies trap boys.

Klaus

"Seizure", my ass. You didn't have a seizure. You were probably texting someone a picture of your balls or something.

Francine

You poor old man. This lamp sucks, I'll give you two bucks for it.