Francine Smith quotes from American Dad!

Stan

You get back here, Hayley! No? Well, I didn't want to had to use this, but-- Rhubarb!

Francine

"Rhubarb"?

Stan

Hmm, that's her trigger word; I had her brainwashed at five. She's supposed to kill Walter Mondale, but I guess it didn't take. [a zoned-out Steve walks by in the background with a sniper rifle]

Francine

Hayley, why don't you say grace?

Hayley

I'll pass.

Steve

Come on, you pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh God! Oh God!"

Stan

[clearly not understanding or ignoring the innuendo] Yes, yes, she's very devout.

Francine

It's potluck, so bring whatever you want.

Stan

But not smallpox. Ha, kidding. Kinda joking but not really!

Francine

I was finally making friends, Stan. How could you ruin my party?

Stan

It was easy. I just yelled "Terrorists!" and everyone ran away.

Stan

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked how did I ruin your party. And I'm, like, "You were there, baby. You had a front-row seat."

Francine

Let 'em go, Stan! It's been a fun ride, but it's over!

Stan

Oh, not this old bit. You point a gun at me, I pretend I'm gonna do what you say, then I pull out my gun, we do our little John Woo standoff, inevitably your arm gets tired [Francine's arm starts to shake], then you drop your gun and we have nobody-got-shot sex. [she drops the gun, groans in agitation and leaves the room] Wh-where are you--Francine! W-well, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?!

Francine

[to Stan] You don't care about being deacon! You just wanna beat Chuck White. Why do you hate him so much?

Stan

Look at his life, Francine. He's got a bigger paycheck, a better wife, better kids...

Francine

Stan, that's incredibly hurtful!

Stan

I know! That's why I really wanna shove it in his face this time!

Francine

We can bring chips and dip to the wake.

Stan

Chips and dip? Tell you what, Francine. Why don't you just take this broom here, [hands her a broom] I'll bend over and grab my ankles, [does so] you lube up the handle real good, and just sweep me out the door. Cos that's what'll happen to my chances at deacon if the best we can do is chips and dip!

Francine

I can make potato salad.

Stan

Potato salad? Not exactly adventurous, but it gets the job done. [about to leave the room, then stops] That reminds me. We should have sex tonight.

Francine

It's just a CIA carnival. Why are we folding napkins?

Stan

Because they'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans. [Roger places a human-folded napkin with a ball-like attached to its foot] What the hell is this?

Roger

Metrosexual soccer icon David Beckham. I can't do swans, I dunno why.

Stan

I got the promotion, Francine!

Francine

Yes, but you lost my respect. You're not the man I married.

Stan

And you're not the man I married!

Francine

That doesn't make any sense.

Stan

It doesn't have to. I got a promotion!

Stan

It's clear what must be done. We have to burn the school to the ground!

Francine

Stan!

Stan

Fine, fine. We'll talk to the principal. [Francine walks off. He takes out a lighter] Soon, my pet. Soon I will feed you the world.

Steve

I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.

Francine

Aw... Now why would you say that?

Steve

Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.

Francine

Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place. He's probably frustrated he can't go to work, or mow the lawn, or clean the gutters. Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.

Steve

Hey, maybe until Dad get better, I can clean the gutters.

Francine

That's creepy, honey.

Your breasts are fine. It would be unethical for me to recommend anything larger. But may I suggest a third breast?

Francine

I don't think--

Okay, how about two in the back? Or I can combine these two into one fantastic super-boob!

Francine

Can I just get a little Botox?

[disappointed] No one ever wants the super-boob.

Francine

You have a stable job, and adoring wife, and a family that loves you. That makes you the richest man in the world.

Stan

Oh, oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. [picks up the phone] Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.

Francine

Oh, Stan, please.

Stan

Oh, hang on. That's the other line. Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!

Francine

Okay, I get it!

Francine

Honey, maybe you and Rashad would like to go play.

Steve

Mom, he's like eight years old. I'm not a little kid anymore. My childhood died on July 18 2003. The day Kobe Bean Bryant was charged with sexual assault.

Francine

Steve-

Steve

Why was he even in Colorado in the first place? Black man don't go to Colorado.

Stan

Oh, I invited the fellows over for a feast after work so I figured you could whip something up. Or as they say in this country, [clap clap]

Francine

Forget it! You may have me locked up in this house but I control what I do in it. Or as they say in my country, [finger snaps]