Steve Smith quotes from American Dad!

Steve

Hey, why didn't I get infected?

Conquistador measles doesn't infect the sexual immature.

A class 5 virus going after a dweeb like you? Please.

Steve

But it can still like me as a friend, right? And one day grow into something m...more than friendship? (the CDC agents shake their heads no)

Stan

That's it, we're hanging out. If you're going to kill anyone in this family, it's going to be only Francine.

Steve

What?!

Francine

Don't talk back to your father.

Steve

Is that why you were acting so weird?

Stan

Weird?! How?

Steve

Stabbing me comes to mind!

Stan

[takes the knife from Steve] You're just never gonna let me live that down, are you? Come on, look, getting stabbed is not that big a deal. See? Bop! [stabs himself] See? Nothing! [continues stabbing every time he says "bop"] Bop bop bop bop! No biggie. Do it in the back. Bop bop! I'm fine, see? Few more? Bop bop bop!

Klaus

Damn, Steve! You wake up camera ready, lucky dog! Takes me hours to shake that “just woke up” look.

Steve

No time for what?

Klaus

And your morning voice sounds clear as a sparrow! Me? Forget about it! No phone calls before noon.

Steve

Klaus, I have to get started on my dad’s present.

Klaus

Damn, and no morning breath? Do you sleep with mints in your mouth?

Stan

Well, well, well.

Klaus

Dad!

Stan

No. Looks like you got it all figured out.

Steve

W-W-Why are you doing this to us?

Stan

[imitating Steve's quivering to start off] W-W-W-W-W-W-W-why, why, why, why? Because you guys can't give me one decent day, no matter how many chances I give you!

Francine

Chances? What are you talking about?

[as the "alarm" Stan has set goes off at 5AM] Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie comin' at ya...

Steve

[opens his curtains, revealing snow on the window] Dad's been tricking us into reliving Father's Day every day for six months! [Hayley and Francine gasp]

Francine

[pissed off at this revelation] You brainwashed us?!

Stan

Oh, of course, make it about you! Well, since you won't remember this anyway, I'll get everything out of my system so I can wake up tomorrow without being so cheesed off! [sees Steve's lip quivering] Go ahead, Steve, cry! It'd be weirder if ya didn't! [Hayley gasps] Go ahead, Hayley, gasp. It'd be weirder if ya didn't!

Francine

Stan, enough!

Stan

[really losing it now] SINCE WHEN IS ANYTHING ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?! For the last 20 years, you just sit around and wait for me to bring home money. "I need rugs! I need bananas!"

Francine

Stan, stop before you say something you'll regret.

Stan

Oh, I haven't even STARTED! [as "Scatman" plays to block the dialogue, Stan unleashes a vicious and truly venomous speech about his family's faults; judging by the movements, he criticizes Francine for her pompousness and excessive alcoholism, Hayley for her near-incessant use of marijuana, and finally Steve for his immaturity and frequent masturbation]

Hayley

It turns out the only thing that makes you a good dad is being a guilty dad.

Stan

Yeah! And that's the true meaning of Father's Day.

Steve

NO!!

Hayley

That's just a character flaw!

Stan

Noticing my flaws... and my strengths. Is that the true meaning of Father's Day?

Steve

Dad, I'll explain it all in the back of that guy's pickup.

Look, this vape pen isn't gonna smoke itself behind the gym. The "F" stands.

Steve

F? F? F? F? F?! F?! F?! F?!

[in Japanese] He's gonna lose his shit!

Barry

Don't worry, Barry know what to do! [He grabs Snot's Zoloft, tackles Steve and dumps several pills in his mouth]

Steve

[slowly] Now it's just gonna take me longer to finish freaking out.

Stan

[reviewing Steve's script] This still doesn't feel like a guaranteed "A". Atlantic Ocean? Pacific's bigger. Steve's teacher will find that much more impressive.

Steve

I think maybe he'll care a little bit more about historical accuracy.

Stan

Uh... if I didn't care about historical accuracy, would I have stolen the actual Spirit of St. Louis from the Smithsonian?

Steve

What?!

Stan

The toughest part was convincing the guard I came in with it.

Hayley

Why don't you come down to the yoga and meditation center with me? I think it could really help you learn to love yourself.

Roger

I love myself all the time. At least once in the morning, and usually right before I go to sleep.

Hayley

Well, it sounds like your afternoon's wide open.

Roger

Yeah, we can go right after I jerk off.

Steve

Should should we turn on the TV?

Francine

I hope you guys are hungry, because I got us dinner reservations! We're gonna try something new and exciting. Sushi.

Stan

Geez, Francine, we just tried stromboli two years ago. Can you let us catch our damn breath?

Francine

Oh, please, Stan. You know I've been wanting to get more culture in our lives.

Stan

Culture? I thought you said you wanted more vulture in our lives. Fine, I'll go, but you'll have to figure out what to do with these gentlemen.

It's alright we've got tickets for the theater, and if we don't leave now, we shall miss the curtain. I'll have Marcus bring up the car.

Marcus is another bird.

Roger

I'm so nervous Hayley What if everyone notices me and calls me names? What if one of the names is Piss Head?

Principal Lewis

Steve, what's gotten into you? Your skin is clear, your voice sounds deeper.

Steve

Oh, it started happening once I stopped touching myself all the time.

Principal Lewis

Funny. I find the more I touch myself, the deeper my voice gets.

Steve

Let's just say I hope Lindsay's call was monitored and recorded, 'cause it was sexy as hell!

Klaus

Oh, Steve.

Steve

You sound just like Lindsay!

Roger

Well, suck me off through a hole and call me Rick Steves, what is this?

Steve

It's Baywatch. You've never seen Baywatch?

Francine

You like this, Roger?

Roger

Franny, I like the smell of gasoline. I like to play with Stan's ding-a-ling while he sleeps. This... this I love!

Stan

Wait, wh-what was that second thing?

So you're really not here to foil my plans?

Steve

No, I swear! I was just trying to have a nice Christmas.

Then what am I hassling you for? [to his henchman] Cut his throat. But make it Christmas-y

Steve

You don't know anything about being a flight attendant.

Roger

But I do know comedy, and that's all that matters at Southwest.

Hayley

With you there, people should check their sensitivities at the gate.

Roger

Oh my God, that's like a perfect Southwest joke! I want that joke!

[in Japanese] This day has been badass.

Steve

It sure has, Toshi, my friend. Hey! I understand Tosh!

[in Japanese] Finally! Now that we can communicate, there is something I must tell you... I absolutely adore the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

Steve

Oh. Cool.