Steve Smith quotes from American Dad!

Francine

Steve, I asked you to set the table 10 minutes ago. Dinner is ready.

Steve

But I'm on level 15.

Francine

Well, I'm on level 1 of the house, where I cook for you. Now set the table.

Steve

I didn't ask you to cook for me.

Francine

Excuse me.

Steve

Mom, I'm busy. I'll do it in a minute. [Francine unplugs Steve's game console] NO! IT DIDN'T SAVE! IT DIDN'T SAVE!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??!!

Francine

I was thinking... go set the table!

Steve

Fuck you!

Roger

Whoa.

Steve

Didn't you do my laundry?

Francine

No. What you said is something you don't say to your mother. So you must not think of me as a mother at all. So from now on, you're on your own. Mommy-free. Sans mommy. You ain't got no mama.

Steve

What's that, Francine? I think you dropped a challenge. And I'm picking it up, 'cause I can do everything you do for me, laundry, cooking, telling myself I'm a big handsome boy.

Steve

[opening the fridge to look for food] Where the hell are the leftovers?

Francine

[turns on light] Looking for something?

Steve

[seeing Barry eating his mac and cheese omelettes on the dining table with Francine] Barry? You're eating the leftovers?

Francine

Maybe you can have his leftovers.

Barry

We both know that's not gonna happen.

Francine

No dinner meant no dinner.

Steve

I didn't come down here for food. I'm down here for the crisper drawer. [He gets the crisper drawer and puts it in front of his face] I'm building a fort and it needs a window.

Francine

You sound hungry.

Steve

I'M HUNGRY TO FINISH MY FORT!

Steve

[during dinner with the family as Francine is preparing the mac and cheese omelettes] Hey, where's mine?

Francine

You didn't ask me to cook for you, remember?

Steve

But it was the heap of the moment, and...

Francine

[cuts off Steve] Steve, you really hurt my feelings. Part one of your punishments is I'm ignoring you. Part two is no dinner.

Snot

I got you dinner. You couldn't leave a ladder for me?

Steve

My mom would see it. It's too dangerous.

Snot

No, what's dangerous is crawling past Hayley's room with a plate full of chipped beef.

Steve

Wait, her room's on the other side of the hou--

Snot

[cuts off Steve] Let's not get bogged down in the details about who was masturbating where. You just have to end this war with your mom.

Steve

I tried, but she wants to keep fighting, so now I'm in it to win it.

Snot

Look at yourself. You've already lost, bud. You stink, and you're starving. And you're not wearing underwear.

Steve

How can you tell that?

Snot

We're best friends. I know your body. If you're not gonna make up with your mom, you've got to learn how to take care of yourself.

Stan

Counterpoint, I was the only chauffeur who got laid last night.

Steve

[crying] I'm throwing away your business card!

Oh it is. I've had sex four times with three different women.

Steve Smith

You hear that, Snot? Someone came back for seconds. [notices Snot isn't here] Snot? He went down the party! He's gonna ruin everything! [goes down to get Snot, but Future Steve grabs his arm]

Okay, go get him, but don't talk to anyone. Don't do anything memorable. Just make your usual zero impact on people. Your future depends on it.

Steve

How come the pizza guy didn't help us?

Hayley

'Cuz Klaus didn't tip him.

Klaus

An apple is a tip.

Roger

I once survived four days in a Del Taco parking lot extracting life-saving nutrients from puddles and bird shit.

Steve

Why didn't you just go into the Del Taco?

Roger

I'm a Taco Bell man.

Francine

Steve, I don't know why you're telling me this now, and I don't know you're singing the whole story, but your dad and Roger are about to play in the finals.

Steve

Okay, singing may have been a bad choice, but that's a crazy story, right?

Hayley

Wait, did Lewis murder his secretary?

Francine

The finals, Hayley!

Steve

White, dusty oil?

Francine

Lawn dandruff?

Klaus

A third ridiculous guess?

Roger

[knowingly] I think I know what this is.

Roger

Yep, that's salt. It's a salt deposit. [he looks at the shocked expressions of the family] Oh my God! Did you guys think it was cocaine? Cocaine doesn't grow underground, dumb-asses. You gotta make that shit! With blood and sweat. And a little bit of salt. You got to cut it with salt to hit your margins. So I guess we have 1% of cocaine here.

Steve

There's so shiny!

Stan

So Hayley's forehead, but you wouldn't call that a treasure.

Roger

Gotta leave room for Zachary and Ella. I'm gonna have 'em sign next to each other 'cause then when I break them up, Ella's gonna cry every time she sees my cast, and I'm gonna love it 'cause she was such a bitch to me at the lockers last week.

Steve

I know this is all made up.

Roger

Some of it.

Steve

I don't need a Deep Throat.

Roger

I bought the jacket. We're doing this.

Steve

Did you paint a shadow on your face?

Roger

I was dressed up in blackface earlier. You're not the only one with stuff going on. Looks like you finally figured out the story.

Steve

No I didn't! I have no idea what's happening!

Roger

You WERE the story, Steve. You used all your pent-up sexual frustration to turn out the most elegant pornography this school has ever seen, but when you finally saw a little skin, it was too much for you, and you experienced what medical experts refer to as an ejacufaint. That's when 100% of your blood is in your wiener. You're lucky to be alive, Steve, and that's the real headline.