Steve Smith quotes from American Dad!

Steve

This is pretty high up. What if the egg shatters their windshield?

Snot

I thought you might say that. [He pulls out a cracked egg] Pre-cracked shells.

Steve

God, you know me.

Hayley

[as the guy practices hitchhiking] He's giving them a thumbs up!

Steve

[a scene shows a plate of bacon on top of the car] And he's got bacon for his eggs!

Steve

Okay, guys. I did a little panty raid recon on the girl's cabin...

Actually, we're not doing the panty raid.

Steve

Why not?

Well, we've talked about it and we get the feeling that you're a pretty nerdy fourteen year old. But us, we're pretty cool ten-year-olds. I've kissed three girls this summer. So we're feeling we should avoid anything that you do.

Steve

Okay, first of all, Paul... fuck you.

Steve

Jeff is meeting Barry today. I need the room.

Hayley

Oh God, that's today? I have to give Jeff his bath!

Steve

[to Hayley] You were supposed to give him a bath last night! [to Francine] And you were supposed to go to the mall!

Francine

I didn't want to go by myself.

Steve

That's what we have Klaus for.

Klaus

[On visiting Arizona State] Oh, man. If you knew what I had in store for you, all your worries would melt away. You'd be swaddled tight, wrapped safely in my freshly laundered plans.

Steve

Klaus, what the fuck are you talking about?

And these must be my granddaughters.

Francine

Um, yes, yes, they are.

Steve

Mom!

Francine

Just go with it.

Steve

Momma, the man said someone died upstairs. What if I see a g-g-g-ghost?

Francine

I don't know Steve, you'll probably p-p-p-piss your pants.

Steve

Snot, we're screwed. This guy's gonna put us back in diapers.

Snot

What do you mean, "back in"? Some of us never left.

Klaus

I really hope there's a Darryl Strawberry rookie card in your grandpop's unit.

Steve

Sorry, Klaus. Even if we found a Rebecca Lobo rookie card, I'd leave it there. Dad would be so angry if he found out about this. I just wanna learn a little bit more about Grandpa.

Klaus

You'd take the Lobo.

Steve

I'd have to.

Stan

The way the dashboard and the windshield smush the hash browns together with the sausage...

Steve

We should call 'em "dash browns."

Stan

You just think of that?

Steve

Just now.

Roger

[whispering] Hey. Hey. Up here. [Steve looks up, to see Roger in a vent] Want to get back at A.J. and win that talent show? I can help.

Steve

[walks under Roger's vent and looks at in quizzically] What-- what are you doing in there?

Roger

I'm trapped. I dropped a Skittle down a vent, and I went in after it. I've been in here for days. Get a Phillips-head screwdriver and meet me by the vent in Hayley's bathroom. [notices something offscreen] Oh. Oh, there-- uhp, there's the Skittle. Went down this slightly narrower passageway here.

Roger

Shit.

Steve

Wow, you move just like a dummy!

Roger

Now, Steve. Why do you think I slapped you? It's because you used a certain word. Do you know what that word is?

Steve

Is it...

Roger

That's right. Never, ever call me a dummy. The word "dummy" is degrading. I am a manually-articulated performative kinesio-maquette... named Dudley Dingleberry.

Steve

Please tell me you didn't have anything to do with A.J.'s accident.

Roger

Let's just say that as far as us winning the talent show goes, the bar was just lowered.

Steve

That, uh... that's not the most convincing denial.

I heard it! Play it again, you coward!

Stan

I'm not a coward, Francine.

Francine

Then let's blow it together, outlaw. [They kiss while playing the clarinet]

Steve

Every year.

Steve

Thank you. You’ve been a very helpful prostitute.

Prostitute?! How dare you! I was doing insider trading!

And I got that on tape.