Roger quotes from American Dad!

Francine

Damn it, Roger. Take him to the hospital!

Roger

Franny, we've been over this. I can't take Stan to the hospital because then a doctor would save him. To restore the life debt, I have to save him.

Francine

This is crazy!!

Roger

Well I think you're crazy, see ain't that hurtful?

Francine

You son of a bitch. I'm gonna rip your fuckin' throat out!!

Roger

Oh, so it ends with you being the potty mouth so I'm hanging up.

Francine

Sorry things didn't work out with your new roommate, Roger.

Roger

I tell you, it's a cruel, cruel world out here. Did you know I saw a man beat down another man today for a sandwich? A sandwich, Francine. [shows a sub] This sandwich. [eats it] I wish I could just come home.

Francine

So come home. We want you there.

Roger

Stan doesn't. As far as he's concerned, the only reason I was living there was the life debt he owed me. And now it's repayed.

Francine

Forget about the life debt. Stan's too proud to admit he misses you, but I know he does. Hey! What if you offered to pay rent? Then Stan would have a perfect excuse to take you back.

Roger

You know, that could actually work. I don't mind paying a little rent. All right, I'm coming home! [throws the sub at a pedestrian] Hi, kids.

Francine

I got your message that you were staying here? Roger, this YMCA stopped renting out rooms, like, 30 years ago.

Roger

What? I just put up all my pictures. (shows Francine photos of him dressed as a pigtailed, redheaded girl riding and playing with a horse)

Francine

Oh, I wish you and Stan could just patch things up.

Roger

It's too late. (sits on the locker room bench next to a man facing his locker and wearing a towel): I've been replaced! (sobs)

Stan

Here we are, Stuffington Academy. I'm glad we were able to come to an agreement on this. Have a good day at school, "son".

Roger

I'm already having a good day 'cause you called me son. Now give me a kiss. Kiss me on the lips, "Dad". I want that kind of relationship with you. [opens the door] You thought about it I saw it. [closes the door]

Tonight in honor of the 100th episode of American Dad!, tragedy will strike Langley Falls with death! 100 times! [A death counter appears with a silhouette of Roger as the Grim Reaper.] That's right! 100 of the characters you've come to know and love will die!

Roger

For Pete's sake, these things are gonna kill me. [the counter almost goes up to "001" until Roger hits it] But not tonight! No, tonight, we're gonna find out "Who Shot Mr. Burns"! [to someone offstage] What? Fifteen years ago? Who was it? ... Really, the baby?! [sighs] I want a baby.

Steve

Okay, how about this for a case: Wheels's ex comes to town, looking for whoever poisoned her race horse.

Steve

Hey, what if I'm visited by the ghost of my dead father, who also used to be a detective?

Roger

So we're just saying the first thing that comes into our minds? Okay. Tickle monster!

Steve

[To someone invisible beside him] I know, Dad, I have to deal with this every day at the agency.

Roger

YOUR GHOST FATHER IS NOT HERE!!!

Steve

Oh no? Then who's... [gets up from his wheelchair] ...possessing me!?

Roger

Stop it... Stop it, Wheels... Stop it...! Wheels...! STOP IT, WHEELS'S FATHER!!!

Roger

[comes into the car with a shopping bag] Alright, I've got everything we need. [Takes the items out] Chocolate milk, some cheese puffs, and some Turkish amphetamines I scored in the bathroom.

Steve

Whoa! Whoa, Legs, you sure that's a good idea?

Roger

I've never been more sure of anything in my life. [Takes a turkey baster of the amphetamines and puts a drop of it in his eye.] See? Everything's in moderation. [reaches for the bag of cheese puffs] Now, I'm gonna have five cheese puffs. No more.

Steve

Legs, please, just pull over!

Roger

Why are you calling me Legs?! Is there something wrong with my legs? Is that why there's a wheelchair in the car?!! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY LEGS YOU NAZI WALRUS BASTARD?!?!

Steve, who is he talking to?

Roger

Shut up, Garfield! Why-wh-why do you- Why do you hate Mondays? You don't even work!

Stan

How do you mean? [Suddenly, the restaurant explodes] What the hell?

Roger

I was over my head financially.

Stan

But why my place?

Roger

No one will suspect a successful restaurant tour of arson, Stan! And it's spreading mine...right now! Oh, yeah!

Stan

[furious] I'm gonna kill you! [Roger raises the gun] Whoa. Take it easy.

Roger

[aims the gun to Stan's forehead] You just need to calm down, okay?

Stan

Yeah, OK.

Roger

Just relax.

Stan

C'mon Uncle Cathy, it's time to go!

Roger

Nooo! It's Sammy Hagar's Jägermeister! Haygermeister! [pops top]

YEAAAHH, BAAABAAAYY!!!

I like drinkin' and racecars/And big ol' fat women/And Jesus is awesome/He rose on Thanksgivin'

I saw the ugliest woman/I ever did saw/Face like a turnip/And an underbit jaw

Yeah, man. Tell it like it is.

Inbred from inbreds/Then inbred again/If ugly was pretty/Then she'd be a ten

She was so damn ugly/So I got drunk and fucked her in my truck. (spoken): Good night!

Were going to have so many babys.

Roger

(Pushes her head slowly under water) No, no, no, no.

It's come to my attention that you've been letting one of your students skip classes, miss tests and hang out in the teacher's lounge. I'm sorry, Brian. This is bad. I hate to say it, but...

Roger

You're fired!

Principal Lewis

Is that what you intended to say, superintendent?

That's what I super-intended to say.

Roger

Yay!

Roger

So, will you be paying your $20 in cash or... [notices the Frat Boys driving and dashing him] Hey!

Can't catch me! [laughter] Thanks for the ride, sucker!

Roger

I don't believe it. I treated them with nothing but respect and civility, and they want to stiff me!? [he then gets mad and the camera closes up to his eyes as he squints. Roger is about to go on a rampage of revenge. He then drives the limo towards the first to-be-killed Frat Boy]

Klaus

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

Roger

You don't mess with a man's dream.

Klaus

WHOA! Dude, you killed him!

Roger

[as he crosses off the first Frat Boy he killed on a picture he took earlier] One down, four to go.

Klaus

You're really gonna kill five people over $20?

Roger

Are you really asking that to the guy who, just last week, killed six people over $19?

Klaus

[downcast] Oh, yeah...

I can't believe Tad's dead.

I can't believe I already banged his girlfriend.

[happy] I can't believe I watched.

Oh, you did a little more than watch.

[as he and Frat Boy #3 touch each other's fingers] Yeah, man.

Yeah.

Roger

Oh, my God, is that on the inside or the outside? [uses windshield wipers to wipe off the corpse] Oh, it's on the outside.