Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!

Stan

Francine, touch me.

Francine

What?

Stan

Touch me. It'll provide us with all the warmth we need. I saw it on Man vs. Wild. That feels amazing.

Francine

I'm not touching you.

Roger

I am.

Stan

That feels amazing.

Stan

That bathroom is amazing. A gold toilet? And I can't believe you have a servant just to wipe your butt.

Um, I don't...

Stan

Oh, explains the attitude and why he did such a a slapdash job.

Hey, Stanny Boy! Frantastic! Get up here, the view is amazing!

Stan

Did you hear that? They gave us nicknames! The only nickname I ever got was in eighth grade. They called me Stan Frank because I was always hiding and writing in my diary.

Stan

This is Sparta!

Roger

This is Sparta!

Stan

This is Sparta!

Roger

This is Sparta!

[off-screen] This is Sparta!

Roger

Shut up Jimmy, you don't know what we're doing!

Stan

Here we are, Stuffington Academy. I'm glad we were able to come to an agreement on this. Have a good day at school, "son".

Roger

I'm already having a good day 'cause you called me son. Now give me a kiss. Kiss me on the lips, "Dad". I want that kind of relationship with you. [opens the door] You thought about it I saw it. [closes the door]

Stan

"Bros before hos," Steve. Brothers before whores all day long!

Steve

And Mom is the whore in that scenario?

Francine

Stan?

Stan

Did I... Did I turn back time?

Francine

No. You fainted and bashed your head on the counter.

Stan

I'm-I'm pretty sure I turned back time. You must be Francine's grandmother! One day, your granddaughter will make me a moderately happy man.

Stan

I had tracking devices implanted in the base of the kids' skulls when they were born. Hayley's heading north! It's only forty minutes away!

Francine

Let's go! Which way is north!

Stan

[points straight ahead] That way!

Francine

It's a dead end!

Francine

You piece of shit! You're gonna break my daughter's heart for fifty thousand dollars?!

Stan

Francine, you're too angry right now. [takes some money out of the briefcase] Go buy yourself some nuts and jerky. [to Jeff] You're buying my wife some nuts and jerky.

Francine

I'm gonna buy some nuts and jerky you piece of shit!

Jeff

[Stan hands him the case] Wow! Hundred dollar bills! Hello, President Shakespeare.

Stan

How do you mean? [Suddenly, the restaurant explodes] What the hell?

Roger

I was over my head financially.

Stan

But why my place?

Roger

No one will suspect a successful restaurant tour of arson, Stan! And it's spreading mine...right now! Oh, yeah!

Stan

[furious] I'm gonna kill you! [Roger raises the gun] Whoa. Take it easy.

Roger

[aims the gun to Stan's forehead] You just need to calm down, okay?

Stan

Yeah, OK.

Roger

Just relax.

Stan

C'mon Uncle Cathy, it's time to go!

Roger

Nooo! It's Sammy Hagar's Jägermeister! Haygermeister! [pops top]

YEAAAHH, BAAABAAAYY!!!

Stan

What in the hell is that?

Francine

My zucchini casserole.

Stan

How would you like it if your wife worked here?

Bullock

Oh, I'd love it. Is there an opening for a woman who bangs every black man she meets at a Red Lobster parking lot?

Francine

The best thing you can do for your family is stand back and do nothing.

Stan

Francine, let's be honest, that's not going to happen.

Stan Smith

[sighs] What a day.

Cleveland Brown

[off-screen] Tell me about it.