Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!

Stan

Hey, lady. Is that your hot air balloon? I need a ride back to the States.

I'm sorry, but that balloon is for offical Guinness business only.

Stan

What if I told you we'd set the record for "Most Spontaneous Cross Atlantic Hot Air Balloon Trip"?

I'm sorry, sir. I can't.

Stan

[pulls out his gun] What if I told you I'm about to set the record for shooting a woman in the face the most times in a row?

Alejandro, fire up the balloon!

Stan

[drunk] Francine, you need to come home right now. Greg was mean to me!

What're you talking about, fruit loop? She's Terry's girlfriend.

Stan

No she's not. She's my wife! Greg is Terry's boyfriend!

...What?

Stan

Terry and Greg are in love! Your son is gay!

Stan

See? That's not how a straight guy faints. This is how a straight guy faints!

Francine

Why did you do that?

Stan

Do what? Test the ax that could save our lives in a fire?

Hello, line one. You're on with Bernie.

You son of a bitch. I'm gonna kill you.

Stan

I'm gonna finish this meatloaf, get on a plane to Toronto and shoot you in your lying face.

Stan

Who are you?

Stan

Oh, my God. You're dying of neglect.

Kill me.

Stan

Tom Skerritt?

Stan

[about Francine] God she scared me, you see that I almost punched her in the face!

Roger

Stan, remember the first rule of every wedding is that the bride is beautiful. The second rule you can find on my website. You have be eighteen to log on. I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is not for everyone -- I could get into a lot of trouble. If you do decide to check it out you need clear your history right away; you may have to uninstall your browser. I'm telling you scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not: they will take us both to jail.

Francine

Why is anger the only emotion you can express?

Stan

Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything! Now pass me the fucking sweet potatoes!

Stan Smith

We can't use the open road. It's too dangerous.

What if we journey through Sector 16?

Stan Smith

Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.

Fine. What about Sector 35?

Stan Smith

Sector 35 makes Sector 16 look like Sector 48!

Stan

[injured multiple times at Hershy Park] Damn it! Why did I join that stupid cyborg program? [he realizes] Wait...if I never join the program, you won't exist. I'll just rip up my cyborg contract.

Sorry, Stan. I knew you'd think of that.

Stan

[strict] You're a stinker!

Stan

Oh, my God! Roger is my hero!

Roger

Stan, who the hell are you talking to? Are you just sitting in the dark watching me? Oh God, were you yanking it over my sleeping form? Oh you sick -- (notices lipstick marks all over his body): What the? (pulls back the covers to reveal a naked, sleeping fat woman): You always get what you want, doncha, Helen? Bravo.

Roger

You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!

Stan

Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.

Roger

[another buzz] Zots!

Stan

Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.

Roger

[laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.

Hayley

Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.

Klaus

[laughing] Oh!

Roger

Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.

Steve

Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.

Roger

I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!

Francine

Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.

Stan

I'm gonna shoot him in the throat.

Francine

Stan, WAIT!...........I wanna watch.

Stan

What is this?

Roger

Your dream restaurant. Roger's Laotian Adventure.

Stan

What about my scale model?

Roger

Stan, it took quite a bit of doing...but I managed to wipe my butt with it.

Francine

So you weren't molested?

Stan

No, that wasn't until four or five years later. (cut to flashback of young Stan clutching fearfully to a swinging rope as a priest wearing nothing but a clerical collar and swimming trunks grabs for him, waiting for Stan to let go): It was my first week at Christian camp. But I'm not ready to talk about Father Roy.

Hey, little guy. I heard your dad walked out on ya, 'cause he didn't love you enough to stay. But I know what will make you feel better.

Stan

[narrating] At that moment, I was a hundred percent sure I was gonna get molested. But it was even better.