[Stan and Francine enter their bedroom, after discovering that Steve has reached puberty]
StanPuberty.
Stan
The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? [sadly] Nobody honked.
[Francine starts going toward bed]
Stan
Hey, what are you doing?
[pulls out a suitcase and starts packing things in it] I can't do it, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to... I don't know. My mom's, my sister's... Hell! I'll even go back to prison. I don't care.
Stan
Look, maybe it won't be so bad. We got through Hayley's puberty.
[Flashback to a pubescent Hayley wearing a purple shirt and a white skirt. She is holding a box of tampons in her left hand and a tampon in her right hand. Francine and Smith are cowering in front of her and Stan is holding a fork]
Whaddaya mean, "Every month"?!
Honey, that's the glory of being a woman.
[throws the tampon at Stan and Francine] I'm not using these! [throws the box] I'm never using these! [proceeds to sit on the white couch]
FSFrancine & Stan
No! [she sits]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older]
Hayley (pointing to her small breasts): This is as big as they're gonna GET?!
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose as earlier, crying in fear. Stan is holding a stapler, shooting staples towards Hayley]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older. She has a huge pimple on her left cheek and is crying]
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose again. Stan is holding a torch]
Honey, you can't even see it.
Stan
It's pretty.
[enters the room with a box of French fries and a soda] Wow, Hayley, your cheek's pregnant. Who's the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?
[Hayley grabs Roger and hurls him through the window. She grabs Stan's torch and sets fire to the living room, screaming maniacally]
Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan? One day, when I was showering after gym class, these mean pretty girls caught me and kept scrubbing me all over with soap. I mean, they didn't miss a spot! And even though we were all wet and naked and slippery, they were still able to get me on all fours, and shove my face to the floor! Can you imagine, Stan?
[Stan is sitting on the chair, drenched in sweat from arousal with his coat covering his lap]
Stan
How'd they catch you again?
Once again, C.I.A. body-doubles are for work purposes ONLY, people. Using your double to finish making love to a Jet Blue stewardess - because you were too drunk - is a definite no-no! [Glances at Saunders] Saunders...
SSaunders
Did you blab? Why'd you tell people?
SDSaunders' Double
C'mon, it was my first sloppy seconds!
(Stan's Phone Rings)
Stan
Hello?
FFrancine (V.O.)
Stan! Hayley and Jeff broke up!
Stan
So? She breaks up with Jeff at least every other week.
FFrancine (V.O.)
You don't understand! This time, he broke up with her.
[At the mall, Jeff is saved by Stan from some rubble, and they talk about Hayley]
...But why'd she go so crazy?
Stan
Whenever she gets dumped, she completely wigs out. I don't know why; it's always been that way...
[Flashback to kindergarten; Hayley is crushed on by boy named "Jon"; she is happy; new girl arrives, boy crushes on her instead; in response, Hayley destroys classroom, killing the class hamster in the process]
Stan
The autopsy showed the hamster was pregnant...
[Stan carries a limp Hayley riddled with darts into the living room]
Stan
She'll be fine; just breathe her with this pump.
[Francine holds Hayley and begins pumping her lungs]
Stan
The police said, if Hayley goes on another rampage, they'll throw her in jail!
Jail?! She'll never survive! Tiny cells, the gangs, getting shanked in the cafèteria! [Grunts and pretends to stab someone] The first couple stabs break the skin, then they really get in there! [Grunts with effort] And my baby's all, "Auuggh! You bitch; I'll kill you!" [Sits down quietly and continues pumping Hayley's lungs; Stan glares on]
Stan
...That was a haunting scenlet, Francine.
...And we can't prevent it! Hayley has horrible taste in men; she's gonna get broken up with again!
Stan
That's why, from here on out, she doesn't date anyone I don't sign off on.
[Still pumping] I don't know Stan. I think what she needs right now is our love and support--
[Hayley suddenly awakens, then grabs Francine and throttles her]
Shoot her! Shoot her in the face!
(At a forest, Hayley rings Stan's phone, revealing the ruse)
Stan
(answers it) Uh, hello. Hey, Johnny, yeah. (to Hayley) It's work. (on the phone) Well, look in the book. Is it a warehouse item? (to Hayley, whispers) Five minutes.
Dad, you're talking to me on the phone, and in your voice. (after a long pause, Hayley found out what was going on) Oh my God! Are You KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Stan
Uh, I love you honey! I said it. See? **Hayley, wait! I can explain! I had a good reason. (Hayley brings out a box of matches) Oh, you grabbed some matches from the hotel-- little keepsake. Now, you don't want to tear one of those out. The serious collector keeps his matchbooks intact. (Hayley rips out a match and stikes it) Oh, now it's worthless.**
**[Only on DVD]
Stan
So, a lot of people think that C.I.A. stands for "Central Intelligence Agency". Not true, folks. Fact is, C.I.A. actually stands for "Stan Smith was born with both male and female genitalia".
(cut to Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi backstage)
That's not what we wrote! We don't go blue. That's the lazy man's comedy.
Steve (chuckles): Maybe we're working too hard.
Stan
Do you have any men's wigs?
Well I got a David Spade/Ellen DeGeneres, I dunno if it's clean.
(later, when Stan is driving while wearing a feathered blond wig. A random man driving with his wife pulls up and notices Stan)
GGuy
Hey look, it's Owen Wilson!
American Dad! · 929 quotes
