Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!

Francine

Oh Stan, don't ever put your bike on the front of the bus.

Stan

Don't worry, the bus is for foreigners.

Hayley

He's an unregistered visitor.

Stan

[gasps] You mean an illegal alien?

Hayley

What happened to the land of the free? These people have the right to be here.

Stan

People? They're parasites sucking on the rich blood of America. And we need that blood to shed for oil.

Stan

Let go of me! This is stupid!

Roger

[as a psychiatrist] You're stupid! I'm sorry, that was unprofessional. I've been a bit consumed with one of my other patients. He's a complicated teenaged drug addict who's being molested... by me.

Francine

Did you tell your best friend your deep, dark secret?

Stan

Are you kidding? She'd go straight to the CIA. They'd designate me as a blabbermouth, kill me, grind me up, and mix me into the local bologna supply. Not... not that the CIA does that. You should keep eating balogna. It's good for you.

Stan

Then, I give my money to your mother who spends it on speeding tickets.

Francine

I like to race school buses!

You see, I dreamed of coming to Langley Falls, Stan...because I vowed...the west stole my son, so I will steal your son...for Communism!

Stan

That'll never happen! Steve's an American boy! He's made of my American juices, baked in his mother's American oven.

Stan

[after finding the photo of Roger in the paper] How did this happen?

Roger

I have no idea. I leave the house in disguise, but six Rob Roys later, things happen that I can't be responsible for. Like buying this puzzle. Why the hell did I buy this puzzle?

Roger

I hate puppies! Get out of that tea cup! That cup is for tea!

Roger

What's your name?

Stan

[through clenched teeth] Stan.

Roger

Hmm, I already know a "Stan". I'm going to call you Mortimer. Now, run and fix me a coffee.

Roger

Today, Mortimer James!

Roger

I add his middle name when I'm dissapointed in him.

Avery Bullock

I need a new team leader.

Sir, I'm your man. I will not rest until the alien and all his accomplices are brought to just...

Stan

[to Bullock; pointing at Jackson] He told me he hates you.

Avery Bullock

What? Jackson, is this true?

...Yes.

Avery Bullock

Get out of my sight! Smith, how do you feel about me?

Stan

You're okay, I guess.

Avery Bullock

Good, then you're the man for this job.

Francine

Stan, can you please talk to your daughter. Look at her!

Stan

My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!

Hayley

It's just a nose ring.

Stan

It's a getaway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.

Francine

[to Hayley] Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche.

Stan

If I had died in that crash today, who would remember me?

Francine

I would.

Stan

That's right. Nobody.

Stan, What are you doing here?

Stan

I came to be with you. Hi Tracy

Ew.

Stan

Why is Tracy being such a bitch to me?

Stan

[as Jeff stalks on him in the shower] What the hell are you doing?

Jeff

You shave your chest?

Stan

What, no! It's for work! Get out of my shower!

Stan

(holding a bag of snacks) There's a leopard on the Cheetos bag! (gets a closer look) WAIT... it's a cheetah! Chee-TAH... Chee-TOS... There's... so much beauty in the world...

Roger

Why do my wrists hurt?!

Stan

(turns to reveal a prone Roger) Because you're lying on them.

Roger

How can you hear what I'm thinking?

Steve

Why?!

Stan

Looks like the boys in the lab made a mistake...

Steve

You think?! Well, I got my pubic hair back, a whole bunch of them. They're white as frickin' Christmas! It looks like Santa Town down there! And look at my pendulous nads! Every time I walk it's like a game of gnip gnop!