Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!

Stan

Why did you cut Francine out of the will and leave everything to Gwen?

Because Gwen is moron. She needs lots of help. She fail math in school! Imagine a Chinese girl can't do math?

Francine is our smart daughter. We never have to worry about her...and she married OK.

Hayley

It's time to change my entire life. That's what that recurring dream's been trying to tell me. The one where I'm in that creepy classroom.

Stan

[drops mug] What? I didn't drop that mug because you mentioned that dream.

Hayley

That dream is a warning. Society's trying to brainwash me to conform, to color inside the lines, to get married and have babies. Well I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid anymore.

Francine

Have you tried it with Splenda?

Hayley

The path to happiness?

Stan

Yeah. It starts in Marriage Land and runs through Mommy Town. Final destination - Housewife City, where you watch TV all day long and blame everything on a Mexican woman who only comes on Tuesdays.

Stan

Man, I can't believe I survived a shot to the head.

Klaus

Well, the doctor says you'll have some memory loss, but I'll be by your side through every step of your recovery, my friend.

Stan

Who's the talking fish?

Stan

There was a Space War?

Roger

Space War?! No no. I fought in the Viet Cong in the late sixties. I've told you that story, right? Well the end of it is we won.

Francine

[lays on the bed, posing] Hey killer, how was the kill? You need to wash the blood off your hands? Or better yet, don't.

Stan

Well... I didn't actually kill anyone. I tri--

Francine

[Hastily, crawling into bed] Ya know I'm tired, I have a headache, I've got a lot of work to do, my back hurts, it's that time of the month, I have an early meeting. **[Under the covers we hear the sound of something vibrating] Just... sharpening... my... pencils!**The part in asteriks is a DVD-exclusive scene and does not air when shown on FOX, Cartoon Network, TBS, or local network syndication.

Stan

I hope my son is still about to be molested! I need a half price ticket.

I'm sorry, I cant accept a full can. It has to be empty.

Stan

[panting] Polar bears... shouldn't give this... to their babies!

I'm glad to be your first. And I...shall become...more powerful...THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE! [dies]

Stan

What did he mean by that?

Roger

Eh, who cares, he's dead.

[gives Stan a corn-dog] I know it's just a corn-dog, but you'll never forget it. [exits as Stan eats the corn-dog, then reappears in the background] Where'd I park my car?

Steve

Oh, I saw him go into your study with a sledgehammer and a watermelon.

Stan

What?

Francine

There's got to be an explanation. Is it Gallagher day?

Stan

Do you see a Gallagher tree, Francine? Roger's back to his old ways. I am livid, Francine! Now I know how bears feel.

Roger

OK. Send me Steve. Dance for me.

Roger

Mm hm. OK. OK, that's enough. I've got what I need. You are terrible. You've got no rhythm, no coordination. I've... I've seen two epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace.

Roger

If your goal was to inspire a feeling of despair the like of which hasn't been felt since Whoopi hosted the Oscars, then bravo.

Francine

OK, I think that's enough, Roger.

Stan

Honey, no. It's good for the both of them.

Roger

I can envision millions of Americans and rising up as one and demanding legislation that would require your legs to be amputated, burned and buried next to Hitler. In short, you suck. [at his feet] Oh yeah, that's the stuff

Stan

[as Roger panics, now bald] He took my hair!

Roger

He took my land!

Francine

(She lights a Cigarette and blow smoke as she asked Stan about Roger) I miss Roger, don't you miss Roger?

Stan

Nope.

Francine

Well, maybe you don't miss him now. But sometimes, the things we take for granted...disappear. And we can never get them back. (She took a puff of her Cigarette as Klaus took a picture of Francine's G-Spot)

Stan

So what new gadgets have you got for me, S?

Seems like an ordinary fancy gold pen, right? Turn the top. [Stan turns top, emits green gas] When that gas comes in contact with a woman, it's makes her breasts grow bigger.

Stan

Don't you have anything a little more..useful?

Ahh, right, right! Perhaps you'll like this. Looks like an ordinary cellphone, yes? Well, open it and press 3. [Stan presses 3] Yeah, see, if you're a woman, you'd have some pretty big cans by now.

Oh my God, you really are a virgin!

Stan

What? That's not good?

No...it's awful.

Stan

Too close to my mother?! How dare you! I'm all she's got!

Roger

Yeah, Francine, it's the man's mother, for God's sake! What is wrong with her?

Francine

But you were the one who said we should talk to him!

Roger

Yeah, about the possibility of switching from cable to dish! I didn't know I was gonna get dragged into your psychodrama! I vote dish, by the way.