Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!

Hayley

How long were you planning on keeping us up here? Forever?

Stan

What? No! [kicks down the sign "Smith family graveyard" next to him]

Stan

[alone with his family in the wild] We're the last ones left on Earth.

Francine

What was that?

Stan

Mosquito.

Stan

(sniffing) Ugh! Oh God, it's like being in a sauna with Michael Chiklis!

Francine

You made me think I was a murderer?! Do you have any idea what a nightmare you put me through?! I prayed to a freaking elephant! How am I gonna explain THAT to Jesus?!

Barry

Her eyes said, "Why?"

Stan

[eating a cut of face meat] Yeah, you can still see the look of betrayal. Can't grill that off.

Stan

Why can't Jeff live with his family?!

Hayley

He hasn't spoken to his dad in years, and his mom ran away before he was born.

Stan

How... how could she do that?

Stan

Damn it, Roger! He's getting away! [the train passes, revealing that Jeff is still there] Why didn't you run for it?

Jeff

You wanna know why? Because I didn't think of it. [blows into a flute] Oh, Seamus McPherson, present yourself! [nothing happens] GOD! WHERE'S MY LEPRECHAUN!?! [another train appears and Jeff hops on the caboose]

Stan

Great. Well Roger, I guess it's just you and me. [cocks Roger's shotgun, then shoots the front wheel of Roger's motorcycle] And now it's just me.

Roger

Wait! How will I get out of here?

Stan

Try jogging, you gross bowling pin! [drives off and suddenly a leprechaun appears next to Roger]

You flute me?

Roger

Huh? Oh, no. That was Jeff. He hopped on a train.

Oh. Jeff, huh? Well, you tell your boy this still counts as one. He got two left. [heads into a bush, then swats a bug on his neck]. Mm, they love me. [disappears into a bush]

Roger

Horse Renoir, bounty hunter! Born in the bayou. Some say the hell-spawn of a prostitute and a whore. Other say...

Stan

Shut up!

Roger

Rude.

Roger

[after escaping from a burning barn] Ah, you know what I meant to ask you? How did we get out of there?

Stan

I think we did some sweet maneuvers from that movie Backdraft.

Roger

I never saw Backdraft.

Stan

Me either.

Roger

Why do my wrists hurt?!

Stan

Because you're lying on them.

Roger

How can you hear what I'm thinking?

That'll be $147.

Roger

What? Where are we gonna get that kind of money?

Stan

We could turn in Jeff!

Roger

I thought Jeff was innocent.

Stan

[gasp] We gotta save Jeff!

Francine

Stan, get inside right now and have dinner with your family!

Stan

Well, if that's your attitude, I don't know why you people even have a drive-thru.

Hayley

We haven't eaten in four days. Damn it Mom! Why did you jump off the boat after dinner?

Francine

This isn't my fault. I just wanted us to spend some time together.

Hayley

[gasp] Steve's hiding food!

Steve

No! It's just a picture I took with some grapes.

Hayley

Give it to me!

Francine

Share it! You have to share it!

Stan

No! What are we gonna do for pictures of food now?!

[sees an island] Look!

Francine

Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!

Steve

We could go skiing!

Stan

Or, here's an alternate pitch. Stay here, watch the Duke game... [Francine tries to say something] ...just hear me out... I order boneless wings from KFC...

Hayley

But-

Stan

Hang on to that thought, Hayley... I take a long bath and then... wait for it... None of you are here.

Francine

Or... [Stan opens his mouth] ...just hear me out... we stay home, and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off I slam a book on your testicles.

Stan

Did someone say, "skiing"?

Stan

I'm thinking of a person.

Steve

Ronald Reagan?

Stan

Damn!

Stan

I'm having a spiritual crisis. What do you do when your best friend doesn't believe in God?

Well, Stan, we're hardly best friends.