American Dad! · Season 3, Episode 10
“Tearjerker” · Season 3, Episode 10
In this episode: Tearjerker (6), Stan Smith (5)
[in a parody of the James Bond opening, Stan walks into the view of the gun barrel and goes to shoot at it, but ends up getting shot]
Ow! What the hell?! Wait, you're a gun? I always thought you were an eyeball or something! [walks away, clutching his gun wounds] Douche.
So what new gadgets have you got for me, S?
Seems like an ordinary fancy gold pen, right? Turn the top. [Stan turns top, emits green gas] When that gas comes in contact with a woman, it's makes her breasts grow bigger.
Don't you have anything a little more..useful?
Ahh, right, right! Perhaps you'll like this. Looks like an ordinary cellphone, yes? Well, open it and press 3. [Stan presses 3] Yeah, see, if you're a woman, you'd have some pretty big cans by now.
[rising up in a zeppelin] You'll never catch me! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-hah..! [Stan is right next to him] Just climbed right up the ropes, didn't ya? I told the contractor retractable ropes because I foresaw this very situation. I tell you, when I build my next lair, I'm going to do a lot of things differently: more quicksand, more death beams, and a bench in the shower 'cause sometimes I like to sit down.
Oh, my God, you smell that? I had a pickle an hour ago; came with my Reuben. I'm so fat...
I'm gonna go hit the juice bar, you wouldn't like it. It's not about living out childhood abuse through degrading sexual encounters; it's more about juice.
The film is opening on 500,000 screens in just a few minutes. With all the crap I'm releasing against it, people will have no choice but to see Oscar Gold and..then..they..will..cry... and..die... Pie? You can't have any.
Never hire a contractor just because he's gorgeous.
Why is everyone leaving? Why aren't they staying and dying?!
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! [Tearjerker shove both, looking at the laptop]
Smith! He found the one thing people want to see more than a Holocaust movie about a mentally retarded boy with a cancer riddled puppy!
[gasps] Celebrity babies! They're all going home to see them online!
That's nice, guys. Okay, Matt Damon and Lucy Liu, you're next. Oh, look at the little guy. It's Dad's A-list then it's Mom's B-list; so it's a B-plus right off the bat.
[before he and his escape pod crash into a volcano] Mike, you're the worst contractor eveeeerrrrrr...!
Oh my God, you really are a virgin!
What? That's not good?
No...it's awful.
[last lines during closing credits]
[to pencil] Except, there won't be a four. [screams]
You okay, Bill?
Yeah, just...uh, can't get PowerPoint to open.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
