[ALF is in Brian's room helping Brian pack]
BrianYeah.
Brian
Yeah.
Brian
It's in the closet. I'll get it.
Brian
What?
Brian
It's got a knife and a fork and some pans. I got it.
Why don't you pack some important stuff, like tacoroni?
Brian
I don't care. Pack whatever you want.
I sense a growing disenchantment with this venture.
Brian
Huh?
How come you don't want to go camping?
Brian
Can you keep a secret?
No, but there's a first time for everything.
Brian
I'm scared to. It's going to be dark out there.
Oh, yeah. But there'll be lots of other kids around.
Brian
That's even worse. They'll think I'm a baby.
Well, just tell Willie, then. He'll take off his glasses, rub his nose, and tell you you don't have to go.
Brian
I know, but he loves camping. He'll be real disappointed if he finds out I don't want to go.
[comes in Brian's room] Where don't you want to go?
Camping with the badger scouts.
Tell him there's no reason to be scared.
Brian
That was a secret, ALF.
So revoke my security clearance.
You know, I never went camping myself, but back in New York, I heard about this one scout troop. They camped in Central Park and were never heard from again. [laughs at Brian]
Brian
Thanks a lot.
Why don't we camp out in the backyard tomorrow night? I'll show you that it's not scary, just boring.
Brian
I don't know.
We'll stay up as late as we want, go to bed without brushing our teeth, eat hot dogs until we're 10% meat by products.
Brian
Yeah.
Come on, B. Live a little. You can come too, Jake.
Brian
Might be fun. Sleeping outside.
Breathing clean, fresh air.
Being right under Lynn's window?
What do you want I should bring?
[Jake arrives as Brian is sitting down in the tent]
Brian
Well, it's not too scary yet.
Wait until it gets dark and the moon moves behind a cloud. And the fog rolls in. [laughs evilly]
Brian
I'm going back in the house. [he leaves but Jake stops him]
Wait. Relax. Relax. There's nothing there in the dark. That's not there in the light. Except bats. [ALF comes in grunting with his stuff] What do you have in here, ALF?
Just a few carry-on items. They'll fit in the overhead bin or under the seat in front of me.
I thought we agreed to only bring along the basics.
Hey, you got a search warrant?
[opens ALF's bag and looks at the stuff that ALF bought] Meatballs? The Great Outdoors? Ernest Goes to Camp?
It's the wilderness trilogy.
What are we supposed to do with these?
You didn't bring the VCR? Hey! Those are rentals.
What else have you got in here? Nothing.
No frappes. Cheez whiz? Meat whiz? Fish whiz?
Hey, we need something from each of the major whiz groups.
Come on, Brian. Help me pack this junk up.
Brian
He's right, ALF. We have to go by the badger handbook.
No cheez whiz? No frappes? No VCR? What's the point of going camping?
That is the point of going camping!
I thought that was the point of going to prison.
Look, ALF, this was your idea. Now, if we're going to do it, we're going to do it right, ok?
[the phone rings]
[answers the phone] Hello? No, cancel the pizza.
[telling his scary story to ALF and Brian] So the cab broke down in the seedy part of the lower east side, see. Just as the cabbie got out to check the engine, a big cloud of steam blew up from the deserted subway station below, the one they had to close after a bunch of guys died mysteriously down there.
I think it was the wind. Unless it was a cab. [laughs]
Ahh! Cut that out! You're scaring Brian.
Brian
It's just a story, ALF. What happened next, Jake?
Ok, ok. Out of the cloud of steam came the phantom of the subway. Dressed all in black, a hood covering his skull-like face. And instead of a hand, he had a gleaming hook.
Isn't it time to sneak across the crick to the girls camp? And blow out their citronella candles?
Now, where was I? The gleaming hook.
So the phantom hails the cab with his good hand. And the cabbie's scared, so he yells, "I'm off duty, buddy!" But the phantom doesn't know from off duty. And slowly walks over.
[singing] Michael, row your boat ashore.
Brian
ALF, the story's just getting good.
Now, all the baptists. [singing] Hallelujah!
So the phantom reaches into the cab and snags the cabbie by the neck and drags him down into the subway with him! Until all you could hear was the phantom laughing. [laughs evilly again]
It's the haunted taxi! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! [he runs away from Jake and Brian as Willie and Lynn feel very shocked] Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
ALF is hailing a cab in the den. [he sees Jake running in the living room] Exactly when did I lose control?
[ALF is hiding under a blanket in the attic]
There's nobody here but us pillow shams.
[uncovers ALF] What's your problem?
Nothing. I was just afraid I'd catch my death of gleaming hook out there.
How's Brian supposed to get over being afraid if you turn chicken on us?
Let him get over his fear of the dark in the morning, when it's light out.
We're camping in your backyard. What do you think, psychopaths get a map of the Tanner house from the Triple AAA?
Do I look that stupid? I'm talking about real dangers, Likeslugs.
Real threat to those of us who go barefoot.
If I promise to de-Slug the yard, Will you come back outside?
Hey, but we're making real progress out there! Once Brian realizes you're scared, He'll be scared. I mean, you could ruin his whole life. What girl's gonna wanna date a guy who won't go out after dark?
Then you help him. I can't.
I'm telling you, there's nothing scary out there. Unless you count that herd of stray cats that prowls every night.
Big ones. Lots of them, too.
Well, maybe you're right. How scary can our backyard be?
I knew you'd come around.
I'm only doing this for Brian.
Can we stop in the kitchen and get the wok?
[ALF is at the living room relaxing while the family prepares for a wedding]
Oh, come on, everybody. We'll be late. Let's go. I got your tie, B.
Don't forget your baseball mitt, Brian.
Brian
How come?
You'll have a better chance of catching the bridal squid.
On Earth, we don't throw Marine life at weddings.
Hey, Kate! [hands her a stack of Tupperware containers tied with a bow] Give this to the bride with my regards.
You're not giving away my Tupperware.
Of course I'm not! Tell her to fill it with food! I love wedding buffets.
I've rented you these tapes, ALF, to keep you occupied and to keep you out of trouble.
No, these are classics. You've never seen these. This one is the Sheik with Rudolph Valentino. And the other one's a film by Charlie Chaplin.
Kick the TV, Willie. The color's gone out.
No, these are black and white movies, ALF.
How am I supposed to see Rudolph's red nose? And turn up the sound. I can't hear the actors. These movies are silent. I might as well be reading.
Brian
[opens the cabinet] I found him!
It looks like he's in shock. ALF, say something! Anything!
Armageddon! Annihilation! White hot tentacles of doom spit fire! Venom! Screeching! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Ruination ALF! Apocalypsenow! Now-- [Willie slaps him] Thanks, Willie. Now I'm blind.
Oh, this may stagger your imagination a whit, but I had nothing to do with this mess.
Brian
And it was a good one.
What was good about it? Why do we have it? What was it?
Well, let me see if I can explain it, ALF. You see, the crust of our planet is made of plates of layered rock that are in continual movement. Now, when the pressure beneath becomes too great, it's released through--
Thank you, Mr. Wizard. Kate, the short strokes, please.
You remember when Godzilla destroyed Tokyo?
Well, that's a rather extreme example, Kate.
Look, we just had an earthquake, and we are all fine. We just have to remember to be prepared and follow some basic safety rules.
Willie, get the ledger! Kate has more rules!
Brian
Hi, ALF, what you watching?
I'm not watching, I'm studying.
Brian
Studying what?
The petrie method of childbirth.
[a clip from The Dick Van Dyke Show plays]
Brian
But this is The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Exactly. You see, Rob Petrie was the consummate TV father. That's why Ritchie turned out to be such a mensch.
Brian
Well, dad told me where babies come from and he never mentioned The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Your father is a good man but sometimes I think his hefty bag's not twist-tied.
[another clip The Dick Van Dyke Show shows]
Brian, I have told you a hundred times not to leave your baseball glove on the floor!
Oh-oh, here comes Crabzilla!
Brian
Sorry, mom. How was your nap?
Obviously, not long enough.
Look, ALF, a woman's body goes through a lot of changes when she's pregnant. She can't always control her emotions. Oh. I'm sorry if I've been hard on you guys.
Brian
That's alright, mom. Dad says no matter how cranky you get we should just humor you.
You can tell your father to take his humor and sit on it.
Brian
Sure, mom, whatever you say.
Hey, hey, just because you're trucking a wide load doesn't mean you shouldn't observe the social graces. You know, the worst Laura Petrie ever did was an occasional, Oh, Rob.
I'm studying up to help you have your baby.
Brian
The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Of course. ALF, that's very sweet of you to wanna help but in this particular case I think Willie is a little more qualified.
Yeah? Then where is he, huh? Answer me that, huh? Where, huh? Where, huh, huh, huh, where?
[comes home from work] I'm home.
I hate when he does that.
Something I should know about?
Only if you write for The Alan Brady Show.
Nothing I should know about.
I'm placing myself at the ready to assist mommy dearest over there with her blessed event.
Uh, traditionally, ALF, that's the father's role.
Really? On Melmac, the father's role was to stand back and yell, Pull, pull.
Don't you mean, Push, push?
No. On Melmac, the mother gave birth while the father went skeet shooting.
[wakes up] Must have dozed off. [he gets up and meets Eric] Holy stork invasion, Batman! How'd that get in here? Willie!
[comes inside the nursery] Oh, you're awake. You're finally awake. Are you alright?
I'm fine. But that thing in the crib looks an awful lot like a B-A-B-Y.
I know. ALF, I'd like you to meet my son Eric William Tanner. We just brought him home this morning.
Did I miss something here?
You sure did. Lynn tried and tried to wake you up when we left for the hospital but you, you were out like a light. You know, you've been asleep for almost 2 days?
You mean, I slept through the whole thing?
Well, Kate couldn't have waited until I woke up?
I can't believe it. Guess you guys really didn't need me, after all. I'm such a mokes.
It's not that you weren't needed, ALF. It's just that when a woman starts to actually have a baby you're not, needed. You understand?
Yeah. I guess so. What are you thinking about, Willie?
Oh. I was just remembering the first day we brought Lynn home from the hospital. And then Brian, and now this little guy.
I've never seen you this happy. I've never seen anybody this happy.
Well, of course I'm happy, ALF. We've helped to create a brand-new life here. I think maybe that's the most important thing a person ever gets to do.
Guess I'll never know, will I?
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. In all the excitement, I didn't think about that.
On Melmac, I never thought much about having kids. You know how it is when you're in your 220s. You think you have all the time in the world.
But now, when I realize that it's never gonna be possible for me to be a father.
LA's a lonely town when you're the only orange boy around.
You can't give up hope, ALF. If it's that important to you, you can never give up hope. In the meantime, we're gonna need your help bringing up Eric.
Well, sure, who else is gonna teach him about boo-yah baseball, and pasta polo and other sports involving the hurling of inappropriate objects?
Brian
[comes in the nursery] Hi, ALF. You finally woke up, huh?
Yeah. Hey, guess you got a brother now?
Brian
Yeah. Mom says it's time to feed him.
Okay. Tell her we'll be in a minute, B.
[Brian leaves]
[while staring at Eric] Looks like you.
On the other hand, all white babies look like you.
Hey, Eric. How you doing, Eric? He smiled at me.
[Lynn and Brian arrive home]
I can't believe you forgot your mitt.
Brian
They never play me anyway.
Here, catch. [throws the mitt to Brian] Better. I'm gonna go get Eric. [goes upstairs] ALF! ALF! Hm! I can't find ALF. He's probably somewhere out back. [picks up Eric from the crib] Hey, sweetie. [she arrives at the living room while Brian is angrily stepping on his mitt] Brian, tell ALF that mom called and asked me to get Eric. And you might want to take the price tag off the mitt. And hurry.
Brian
[angrily] YES, YOUR HEINIE.
[from outside] I heard that!
Brian
[yelling as he hears the car honking from outside] ALF! WE TOOK THE BABY! I'M COMING! I'M COMING!
Well, that should take care of the pesky gophers. [goes upstairs to Eric's room and he finds out that Eric is gone] Eric, I'm back! Did you have time to reload? Eric? Eric! Eric! Eric! Oh, he's gone! What have I done? Eric! Well, so much for keeping my powder dry. Eric!
[ALF ate another cotton he found on the table]
[after he saw ALF ate a cotton] I saw that. I saw you take that cotton.
Brian
Me? No, I didn't.
That's enough of that. I saw you take that cotton with my own eyes.
[yelling] I don't have to take this! Now, I may be small, but I'm scrappy. Come on! Who wants a piece? [tired] Oh. [sings] Da da da da da, Da da da da da.
Admit it, ALF. You have a cotton problem.
We only want to help you.
Then stop trying to make me feel guilty. Now, I say we go into the living room and dance! Who's with me? [Lynn, Willie, and Kate ignore him] I know what you're thinking. He doesn't have the guts to dance alone. Ha! Well, that's where you're wrong. I'm doing it! I'm dancing alone! And there's no music! [leaves the kitchen but comes back in tired] Oh.. Just for the sake of argument suppose I do have a problem?
[burps while having breakfast with Lynn and Brian] Yeah. You know, if you eat fast, you could eat more.
Yeah. It also adds to the ambience.
[as she sees Willie arriving at the kitchen] Good morning, dad.
Good morning, Lynn, Brian, ALF. ALF, what are you doing down here?
Finishing oatmeal with clams.
Well, go back upstairs. Neal could come in here any minute.
I don't think so. He's gone.
Gone? What do you mean gone?
Relax, I don't mean dead.
Brian
I saw his boxer shorts drive by my window.
Kate, Neal drove off in his camper early this morning.
Well, I'll just mosey on off to the television area if no one minds.
[stops ALF] Hold it. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you didn't write him another note.
I didn't write him another note. [pause] Uh, pay no attention to my ears.
I told you this was none of your concern, didn't I? [angrily] Didn't I make it perfectly clear you were to stay out of this?
Obviously not clear enough.
What exactly did this note say, ALF?
Well, I seem to recall, and I'm paraphrasing now. Amscray, wearing out your welcome. Oh, and deadbeat. Sincerely yours, William Tanner.
Well, you got mad when I signed the first one anonymous. Is there no pleasing you?
[comes out of the kitchen while the family is having dinner] Huh. Well, here's an expression I'm not often called on to use. ALF, your dinner's getting cold.
[comes to the dining room, singing] Uncle Neal has gone away, Doo-da doo-da, I can eat out here today, All doo-day long, Everybody! Gonna eat all day-
[interrupts ALF's song] ALF, I really don't appreciate that at all.
Okay. Then you wanna hear how I changed the words to "Helter Skelter"?
I'm gonna miss him. It was fun having Uncle Neal around.
Hmm. Well, he's just down the street. You can go visit him. I know he's really lonely since Margaret left him.
Hey, he had a bad marriage. Who hasn't, right, Willie?
What's Uncle Neal's new apartment like?
Much too close to this house.
It's nice. It's small but at least he has more room than he had in the camper.
Brian
I thought the camper was neat. It had a toilet right in the shower.
So do we. Oh, what? Like you've never done it?
[the Tanners are outside the backyard having Lucky's funeral]
[praying for Lucky] Please take care of Lucky and let him be happy. Tell him we miss him. Amen.
Lynn, that was indeed beautiful. I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed: "And if I die before I wake, chicken fry me like a steak."
Hey, they were his words!
Life is eternal and, love is immortal and death is but a horizon. [ALF blows his nose] What we return to the Earth, we receive back...tenfold. Tragic. A tragic waste.
Wouldn't you like to say something, Bri?
Brian
No.
Honey. It might make you feel better if you say goodbye to him.
Brian
Bye.
Brian, it's okay if you don't wanna say anything, you don't have to.
Brian
There's nothing I wanna say.
Come on, Bri. Let's go inside. [she and Brian leave]
[after Kate and Brian left] Funeral poopers!
Don't you have any respect for people's feelings?
Well, excuse me. But where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.
Why don't you just, go inside with them.
Why? I thought I'd help you bury the little patty melt.
Not a chance. I'm gonna bury him in an undisclosed place.
Well, can I at least put something in there with him?
Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. Just hurry up.
This was Lucky's favorite toy. He loved the sound the little metal bell made. It wasn't exactly the deepest cat in the world. [jiggles to Lucky's toy]
I'm sure that Lucky will treasure this.
This would go well with a full-bodied Chianti.
[checks the window revealing it's Neal] What on earth? [opens the door]
[arrives at the Tanner's house wearing a toga] Hi, Willie. Hi, everyone. Hi, ALF. Happy anniversary.
Brian
Hi, Uncle Neal. Why are you dressed like a bed?
ALF said it was a toga party.
Shoot! That was the call I was supposed to make.
I'll, uh, I'll get you something to put on.
Or we could all wear sheets! [chanting] Lynn? To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!
[chanting] Fat chance! Fat chance! Fat chance!
I heard that. He's upset because Kate went to the airport to pick up her mother, and he's afraid that she's gonna spoil his party.
Oh. What brings Dorothy to town?
Oh, she and Whizzer had another fight. She flew out by herself.
Aw, that's a shame. Another marriage flapping in shallow water. That's how I felt when Margaret dumped me.
Oh great. My party's turning into a suicide watch.
[the Tanners quickly head to the kitchen as a storm hit]
Well, do we have everything? Hamburgers, paper plates.
I've got the vegetables and the potato salad.
Brian
I've got the buns and the coleslaw.
Why do I get the feeling we forgot something?
[hears a strange noise from outside] Willie!
Oh, yeah. He's pinned underneath the grill. I didn't want to embarrass him by drawing undue attention to it.
[as Willie comes inside, wet] Oh, honey! You're drenched!
Really? I hadn't noticed. I was too busy flailing.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine. No thanks to...
Did you or did you not knock the barbecue over on me when you were running into the house?
Oh, that. That was my fault.
Willie, get out of those clothes right away. Before you catch a cold. You too, kids.
LBLynn and Brian
[as they both leave] Okay.
You don't catch cold from going out in the rain, Kate. That's an old wives' tale.
Hence Kate's knowledge of it.
There's a reason old wives get to be old wives. They stay warm and dry.
No, I was just reading an article about that in one of my scientific journals. It said that volunteers who were subjected to rapid temperature changes and cold water did not catch cold. [sneezes]
I told you, honey. You're catching a cold.
No! Nonsense, Kate. One sneeze does not a cold make. [sneezes]
Just out of curiosity how many sneezes does a cold make?
ALF · 397 quotes
