[opens the cabinet] I found him!
LynnHe doesn't look good.
It looks like he's in shock. ALF, say something! Anything!
Armageddon! Annihilation! White hot tentacles of doom spit fire! Venom! Screeching! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Ruination ALF! Apocalypsenow! Now-- [Willie slaps him] Thanks, Willie. Now I'm blind.
Oh, this may stagger your imagination a whit, but I had nothing to do with this mess.
Lynn
We had an earthquake.
What was good about it? Why do we have it? What was it?
Well, let me see if I can explain it, ALF. You see, the crust of our planet is made of plates of layered rock that are in continual movement. Now, when the pressure beneath becomes too great, it's released through--
Thank you, Mr. Wizard. Kate, the short strokes, please.
You remember when Godzilla destroyed Tokyo?
Well, that's a rather extreme example, Kate.
Look, we just had an earthquake, and we are all fine. We just have to remember to be prepared and follow some basic safety rules.
Willie, get the ledger! Kate has more rules!
[singing] This is the way we diaper our kid, diaper our kid, diaper our kid, this is the way we diaper our kid, [the baby doll drops] and this is how we drop it.
Lynn
What are you doing?
Practicing for when the baby comes. How well do earth children bounce?
Lynn
Not very.
Then what do people mean when they say "Bouncing baby boy"?
Lynn
It's an expression, not a suggestion. Here, this is how you do it. You put the diaper on like this and you fold it over like this and you fasten it here and here. Like this. See? Here, now you try it.
[Kate is in the nursery holding Eric]
Okay. Aw, there you go. There you go. There you go.
[comes in] Aw, there's nothing more beautiful than the sight of a mother holding her freshly-swaddled babe to her bosom.
Leave my bosom out of this, ALF. You're not babysitting Eric.
Lynn
Any luck?
No. No, I've, I've draped him over my shoulder, I've laid him across my lap, I've bounced him. Eric just doesn't want to burp.
Hey, mind if I show you a trick?
The last time you showed me a trick it took 3 weeks for my eyebrows to grow back.
I told you not to lean in. Come on, now. At no time will the baby leave my hands.
Spot him, Lynn. [she hands Eric to ALF]
Hey, Eric, how you doing? Having a little gassy backup today? [Eric burps] Huzza, huzza. Who was that masked man? Next case.
Lynn
[picks up Eric from ALF] Whoo-hoo! Broccoli.
So when do I start? By the way, Thursdays are bad for me. I do tai chi.
Granted, ALF, you give good burp but that doesn't qualify you to take care of an infant.
Kate, it can't be any different than taking care of my younger brother and sister. And they had 16 stomachs between them and one bathroom. Think about it.
[Lynn and Brian arrive home]
Lynn
I can't believe you forgot your mitt.
They never play me anyway.
Lynn
Here, catch. [throws the mitt to Brian] Better. I'm gonna go get Eric. [goes upstairs] ALF! ALF! Hm! I can't find ALF. He's probably somewhere out back. [picks up Eric from the crib] Hey, sweetie. [she arrives at the living room while Brian is angrily stepping on his mitt] Brian, tell ALF that mom called and asked me to get Eric. And you might want to take the price tag off the mitt. And hurry.
[angrily] YES, YOUR HEINIE.
Lynn
[from outside] I heard that!
[yelling as he hears the car honking from outside] ALF! WE TOOK THE BABY! I'M COMING! I'M COMING!
Well, that should take care of the pesky gophers. [goes upstairs to Eric's room and he finds out that Eric is gone] Eric, I'm back! Did you have time to reload? Eric? Eric! Eric! Eric! Oh, he's gone! What have I done? Eric! Well, so much for keeping my powder dry. Eric!
Did you get my breath mints?
Lynn
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I forgot.
Okay, but you're the one who has to live with it. [exhales]
Lynn
I'll run down to the 7-Eleven.
[arrives at the kitchen while carrying Eric] Honey, did you get any more cotton swabs? The tips are missing from all of these and I can't help but feel you probably know something about this.
Is that the best you can come up with?
Lynn
I've got 'em, dad. Here, ALF. At least we remembered your cotton balls.
What are you doing with all this cotton?
I've been experimenting with some new menu ideas.
You mean you're eating it?
Yeah, I also tried attic insulation but it left me feeling bloated and unattractive.
[looking at the cotton] But the cotton. Ah, the cotton! All the flavor of a fine polyester with none of the unpleasant aftertaste. [eats the cotton] Mmmm.
[ALF ate another cotton he found on the table]
[after he saw ALF ate a cotton] I saw that. I saw you take that cotton.
That's enough of that. I saw you take that cotton with my own eyes.
[yelling] I don't have to take this! Now, I may be small, but I'm scrappy. Come on! Who wants a piece? [tired] Oh. [sings] Da da da da da, Da da da da da.
Admit it, ALF. You have a cotton problem.
Lynn
We only want to help you.
Then stop trying to make me feel guilty. Now, I say we go into the living room and dance! Who's with me? [Lynn, Willie, and Kate ignore him] I know what you're thinking. He doesn't have the guts to dance alone. Ha! Well, that's where you're wrong. I'm doing it! I'm dancing alone! And there's no music! [leaves the kitchen but comes back in tired] Oh.. Just for the sake of argument suppose I do have a problem?
[at the end, ALF is having a nightmare about the family singing and dancing to "New York, New York" Ray Conniff style with tuxedos, batons, top hats and tails, he yells as he wakes up from his nightmare]
Lynn
[as he runs up to ALF] ALF, were you having that dream again?
Yeah. Being clean and sobor's gonna be a lot harder than I thought. Oh. [he tries to sing "New York, New York" again but he and Lynn feel tired as the episode ends]
[burps while having breakfast with Lynn and Brian] Yeah. You know, if you eat fast, you could eat more.
Lynn
Yeah. It also adds to the ambience.
Lynn
[as she sees Willie arriving at the kitchen] Good morning, dad.
Good morning, Lynn, Brian, ALF. ALF, what are you doing down here?
Finishing oatmeal with clams.
Well, go back upstairs. Neal could come in here any minute.
I don't think so. He's gone.
Gone? What do you mean gone?
Relax, I don't mean dead.
I saw his boxer shorts drive by my window.
Kate, Neal drove off in his camper early this morning.
Well, I'll just mosey on off to the television area if no one minds.
[stops ALF] Hold it. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you didn't write him another note.
I didn't write him another note. [pause] Uh, pay no attention to my ears.
Lynn
Nice try.
I told you this was none of your concern, didn't I? [angrily] Didn't I make it perfectly clear you were to stay out of this?
Obviously not clear enough.
What exactly did this note say, ALF?
Well, I seem to recall, and I'm paraphrasing now. Amscray, wearing out your welcome. Oh, and deadbeat. Sincerely yours, William Tanner.
Well, you got mad when I signed the first one anonymous. Is there no pleasing you?
[comes out of the kitchen while the family is having dinner] Huh. Well, here's an expression I'm not often called on to use. ALF, your dinner's getting cold.
[comes to the dining room, singing] Uncle Neal has gone away, Doo-da doo-da, I can eat out here today, All doo-day long, Everybody! Gonna eat all day-
[interrupts ALF's song] ALF, I really don't appreciate that at all.
Okay. Then you wanna hear how I changed the words to "Helter Skelter"?
Lynn
I'm gonna miss him. It was fun having Uncle Neal around.
Hmm. Well, he's just down the street. You can go visit him. I know he's really lonely since Margaret left him.
Hey, he had a bad marriage. Who hasn't, right, Willie?
Lynn
What's Uncle Neal's new apartment like?
Much too close to this house.
It's nice. It's small but at least he has more room than he had in the camper.
I thought the camper was neat. It had a toilet right in the shower.
So do we. Oh, what? Like you've never done it?
[the Tanners are outside the backyard having Lucky's funeral]
Lynn
[praying for Lucky] Please take care of Lucky and let him be happy. Tell him we miss him. Amen.
Lynn, that was indeed beautiful. I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed: "And if I die before I wake, chicken fry me like a steak."
Hey, they were his words!
Life is eternal and, love is immortal and death is but a horizon. [ALF blows his nose] What we return to the Earth, we receive back...tenfold. Tragic. A tragic waste.
Wouldn't you like to say something, Bri?
Honey. It might make you feel better if you say goodbye to him.
Brian, it's okay if you don't wanna say anything, you don't have to.
There's nothing I wanna say.
Come on, Bri. Let's go inside. [she and Brian leave]
[after Kate and Brian left] Funeral poopers!
Don't you have any respect for people's feelings?
Well, excuse me. But where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.
Why don't you just, go inside with them.
Why? I thought I'd help you bury the little patty melt.
Not a chance. I'm gonna bury him in an undisclosed place.
Well, can I at least put something in there with him?
Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. Just hurry up.
This was Lucky's favorite toy. He loved the sound the little metal bell made. It wasn't exactly the deepest cat in the world. [jiggles to Lucky's toy]
I'm sure that Lucky will treasure this.
This would go well with a full-bodied Chianti.
[checks the window revealing it's Neal] What on earth? [opens the door]
[arrives at the Tanner's house wearing a toga] Hi, Willie. Hi, everyone. Hi, ALF. Happy anniversary.
Lynn
Hi, Uncle Neal.
Hi, Uncle Neal. Why are you dressed like a bed?
ALF said it was a toga party.
Shoot! That was the call I was supposed to make.
I'll, uh, I'll get you something to put on.
Or we could all wear sheets! [chanting] Lynn? To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!
Lynn
[chanting] Fat chance! Fat chance! Fat chance!
I heard that. He's upset because Kate went to the airport to pick up her mother, and he's afraid that she's gonna spoil his party.
Oh. What brings Dorothy to town?
Oh, she and Whizzer had another fight. She flew out by herself.
Aw, that's a shame. Another marriage flapping in shallow water. That's how I felt when Margaret dumped me.
Oh great. My party's turning into a suicide watch.
[checks the window revealing it's Whizzer] Well, it's Whizzer! [opens the door] Whizzer!
WWhizzer
[arrives at the Tanner's house house] Hi, Willie. Is Dorothy here?
No, Kate just went to pick her up at the airport.
WWhizzer
I must have just missed them. Hi, Neal. Hi, Lynn.
Lynn
Hi, Whizzer.
WWhizzer
I guess you heard.
About your fight with Dorothy?
WWhizzer
The woman is impossible. Nothing I do seems to please her. I'm telling you, this thing has got me so worked up I don't know what to do anymore. I would have called, but, I've been a bundle of raw nerves ever since the argument. It's all I can do, is to keep myself from losing it altogether. I need a beer. [he leaves the living room to go to the kitchen]
[stops Whizzer from going to the kitchen] No!
WWhizzer
Relax! I'll leave a buck on the counter, you cheapskate! Oh, I'm sorry. See what I mean? [he goes to the kitchen]
[Whizzer screams as he sees ALF in the kitchen, much to his horror]
[pretending that he's a dog] Arf, arf. Would you believe "meow?"
[Willie, Lynn, and Neal go to the kitchen to check on Whizzer after ALF scared him]
[on the phone] Yes, I'm canceling that appointment. Well, I don't feel that I have any use for a home flotation tank. I suppose I do sound like I could use one. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone]
ALF, are you sure that's all the appointments you set up?
Yeah, yeah. You know you just blew our shot at winning the round trip on the Fun Bus to Vegas?
If I told you once, I told you a thousand times. You're not to invite salesmen into the house!
Well, it is funny how that hasn't sunk in yet. Why do you suppose that is?
Because you don't listen.
Should I assume the position?
Go to the attic until we decide what to do with you.
No? What do you mean, no?
I mean I'm not going. What do you think about that?
Lynn
Ooh. Your turn, dad.
As long as you're living under this roof, you'll do what we tell you to do!
Well, in that case, I'm out of here. I'm hitting the bricks. I'm history, I'm vapor.
Yeah, sure. We've heard that before.
Yeah. Well, not another day under tyranny's heavy thumb. Goodbye, Willie. Goodbye, Kate. Goodbye, children. I think I shall miss you most of all. [leaves]
Yeah. Okay, go. We'll warn you just before the automatic sprinklers go on.
Don't bother. This time I mean it.
If there's one thing that alien has learned in his time on Earth it's how to make an exit.
[voiceover from outside, after leaving the Tanners] Oh, Lordie, Lordie. I'm free at last!
[Kate and Willie get up in the middle of night to hear a strange noise]
I'm sure I heard something. Honey, what if it's a burglar?
Don't worry, honey. I've got the lamp.
[Kate turns on the light as she and Willie got shocked that they find Neal sleeping in the living room]
Oh. Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate.
Neal, what are you doing here?
I couldn't sleep at my house.
It's okay. It's-it's okay. You're with friends now.
Willie, I tried. I tried reasoning. I asked nicely. How do you handle? How do you afford?
Well, Kate's working now and we're on our third mortgage. We're desperately hoping that Lynn will marry well.
Lynn
[gets up in the middle of the night and finds Neal] Hi, Uncle Neal. Are you okay?
He will be. Just take deep breaths, Neal. That's what we always did at first.
I mean, don't get me wrong. He's a nice little guy. We've actually had some nice conversations. [angrily] But I want him OUT OF MY HOUSE! [normal] I'm sorry. I haven't slept in 4 days. Or was it 9?
Neal, calm down. Just relax.
Lynn
Can I get you some coffee, a decaf?
Maybe a glass of warm milk?
Lynn
Okay.
Lynn
I'll see if we have any. [she heads to the kitchen]
Willie, it's awful. I don't know if he does these things on purpose or what!
Oh. He does. We just haven't been able to prove it. Neal, why don't you do something about it?
I'll be right behind you when you tell him.
Because you know how I hate confrontation.
Neal, it's time you started to assert yourself. Stop letting people walk all over you.
You know, sometimes true bonding comes after great crisis. Maybe-
Kate, give it up. It's over.
Just when I started to dream in color again.
ALF · 397 quotes
