[at the end, ALF arrives home while the Tanners are having breakfast]
Come on, guys, I'm back. Let's party. Hey, you, legs. Get me a brewski.
LynnIt's Lynn, ALF, and sorry you're not at Uncle Neal's anymore.
Oh, yeah. I'm home. Or as I affectionately refer to it, the gulag.
Speaking of which I believe you still have a punishment to work out.
Oh, you're not still on that.
But I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm-
[as the Tanners are satisfied about ALF's punishment, ALF heads to the attic and grounds himself as the episode ends]
[the Tanners quickly head to the kitchen as a storm hit]
Well, do we have everything? Hamburgers, paper plates.
Lynn
I've got the vegetables and the potato salad.
I've got the buns and the coleslaw.
Why do I get the feeling we forgot something?
[hears a strange noise from outside] Willie!
Oh, yeah. He's pinned underneath the grill. I didn't want to embarrass him by drawing undue attention to it.
[as Willie comes inside, wet] Oh, honey! You're drenched!
Really? I hadn't noticed. I was too busy flailing.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine. No thanks to...
Did you or did you not knock the barbecue over on me when you were running into the house?
Oh, that. That was my fault.
Willie, get out of those clothes right away. Before you catch a cold. You too, kids.
LBLynn and Brian
[as they both leave] Okay.
You don't catch cold from going out in the rain, Kate. That's an old wives' tale.
Hence Kate's knowledge of it.
There's a reason old wives get to be old wives. They stay warm and dry.
No, I was just reading an article about that in one of my scientific journals. It said that volunteers who were subjected to rapid temperature changes and cold water did not catch cold. [sneezes]
I told you, honey. You're catching a cold.
No! Nonsense, Kate. One sneeze does not a cold make. [sneezes]
Just out of curiosity how many sneezes does a cold make?
[Raquel doorbells from outside]
When will it all stop? I need my rest.
ALF, do we have to go into the kitchen?
Lynn
It's Mrs. Ochmonek.
Where have you been keeping him? [runs up to ALF] There he is! [laughs] I laugh just looking at you.
[laughs] Mr. Shumway, would you be willing to come over and meet my bridge club? They all adore you.
Look, any other time, I would have said "yes." But I have a life now.
[laughs] I love this funny man. Well, would you at least autograph a picture for me?
Brian! I don't do my own autographs. But I will touch the photo. [Brian gives Raquel a photo]
Well, I'd better get back. Thank you, Mr. Shumway.
Yeah. You're welcome. Check her for money and get her out of here.
[laughs] He ad-libbed for me! [laughs] Oh, I hope to see you around. Save me a fur ball. [leaves the house]
Well, I'm off to the track. I thought I'd fritter away some more of my money. [laughs]
But what about the, lifetime achievement award you're being given tonight? Shouldn't you be working on your acceptance speech?
I'll wing it. Oh, and sorry I didn't invite you to the ceremony. But you know why that is.
Because once, we said you weren't funny.
That's right. Now, you know where you belong.
WKWillie and Kate
The attic.
And don't touch my things!
[Willie and Kate head to the attic]
Lynn
[while practicing for a play] You will all be glad to see me burn, but if I go through the fire, I shall go through it to their hearts, forever and ever. And so, God be with me.
Not bad. Do it again. And this time, try to show a little leg.
Lynn
ALF, I'm auditioning for Joan of Arc. I don't really think that would be appropriate. Just tell me if I've got the lines right.
Okay, but I'm telling you, it would be a lot funnier if you were holding a rubber chicken.
Lynn
It's not a comedy.
Well, not the way you're doing it. Hey, I've got a great idea! When they strike the first torch grab your big toe and hop around yelling, hot foot, hot foot!
Lynn
I'm tied to a stake!
You're tied to a piece of meat and you don't see the humor in that?
Lynn
No.
Well, then you might want to consider a couple of well placed tassels.
Lynn
[comes out of the hallway with her painting] Hi.
Hi, Lynnie. How's the painting coming?
Lynn
Be honest. What do you think?
Sorry, babe. It doesn't speak to me. Next.
I, I think it's very nice. It looks good enough to eat.
Lynn
So you didn't get the conflicting disharmony between man and nature?
I have to be honest, Lynn. Uh, I'm afraid all I see is a very happy pear.
Lynn, a word to the wise. Forget art! Stick with plan A: Throw yourself at the first rich man to come along.
Lynn
ALF. This class means a lot to me. It's being taught by a very respected artist in residence.
What, he couldn't afford a place of his own?
Lynn
It means that he's...
I know what it means. You know, I happen to have a nodding acquaintance with painting myself.
I've seen you paint yourself many times.
Go ahead, mock me. But I was quite the artist in my time. I could paint any canvas any color for $29.95. No ups, no extras.
You know, I just had a thought. Perhaps if you were to rekindle your interest in art it might be a less destructive and costly way for you to spend your idle hours.
You know, the ones between waking up and falling asleep.
Oh, [laughs] Courtesy laugh. Willie, I accept your offer. So, Kate, ever done any nude modeling? Talk about a conflicting disharmony between man and nature.
Lynn Hi, Mr. Reuben.
RMr. Reuben
You keep a neat work area.
Lynn Thank you.
RMr. Reuben
Do you perchance have anything to show me?
Lynn I make it a point never to follow children or nudes.
RMr. Reuben
Oh, Lynn. Let's have a look-see. [he opens up Lynn's portfolio]
Lynn
Mr. Reuben, I can explain! Well, not without stretching reality, but I can. See...
RMr. Reuben
Class, class..
Lynn
[shocked] Oh, no.
RMr. Reuben
I want you to see something. [the class looks at Lynn's project] What do you think?
Lynn
I'll tell you what you think. In my defense, Mr. Reuben. I think I should tell you this is a mistake.
RMr. Reuben
No, no, no, Lynn. There are no mistakes. I am seeing a side of you that I have never seen before. And it's brave. Raw, but inspired. Very good work.
Lynn
Actually, I was a little more fond of, of this. [shows the class her other painting]
[the class disagrees with her other painting]
RMr. Reuben
No, that we put in a model home in the Valley. But this? This speaks from your soul. Is this spinach fettuccine?
Lynn
Yes.
RMr. Reuben
Lynn, you've made great strides here. You have combined the stylistic elements of Pollock, Rauschenberg, Jasper Johns.
Lynn
Chef Boyardee.
RMr. Reuben
Toadies. I love them.
[the class laughs much to Lynn's embarrassment]
Lynn
[angrily comes home from school and confronts ALF for ruining her project] You are in big trouble, mister! You've got a lot of explaining to do!
Oh, Willie, Willie. You're a constant disappointment to Kate and me.
Lynn
Do you know what he did? He stuffed his painting in my portfolio thinking somehow Mr. Reuben would critique it before I could find it.
Oh, that was an awfully stupid plan, ALF.
Lynn
That's what I thought at first.
It worked. I knew it! I knew watching The Brady Bunch wasn't a waste of time! What did he have to say? Huh, huh, huh?
Lynn
Oh, great. The fun part. Now I get to tell him.
I knew it. He hated it. Excuse me while I open a vein.
Lynn
Wait, ALF, before you make a mess the truth is he liked it. He said it was brave, raw, and inspired.
Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! My day and a half of suffering has paid off.
You mean it's possible that this could truly be a work of art?
And so the breakdown of human civilization begins.
Lynn
This is horrible. Mr. Reuben thinks I have talent. What am I going to do?
Oh, how do you get yourself into these things?
Lynn
What you did was thoughtless, selfish, and egotistical! [leaves angrily]
You spend your life raising them and this is the thanks you get.
[arrives at the kitchen while the family is having breakfast] Oh. Hi, everybody.
Lynn
Morning.
Morning, ALF. How are you this fine Saturday morning?
Alright. I'll be better once I have some coffee and we talk about death.
I believe it was Nietzsche who put it best. "Life is short. And when it ends we crumble and stink like an overripe blue cheese."
I found some pictures of you guys taken before my arrival. Notice anything obvious?
Besides being incredibly happy?
Actually, what struck me is how much you've aged. Especially you, Kate. I still have 400 years ahead of me. What am I gonna do when you guys move in with the dirt people?
Well, we hadn't really thought about it. Uh, I suppose you'll move in with Lynn.
Lynn
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This is the first I've heard of this.
I'm sorry, ALF, but I just can't commit.
[while looking at a picture] I should have crashed on a planet where people live longer. I never plan ahead.
ALF, you're driving us crazy with this death obsession. You and Woody Allen. At least it's funny when he does it.
Oh, he's just bitter because he can't sell a sitcom.
Well, whatever. Come on, everybody. We're not gonna be home too late.
Wait! Do you have to go? Well, what if something happens to you?
ALF, for the last time, nothing is going to happen. We're only going to a bar mitzvah.
Still, I want you to take two cars and drive fast through the bad neighborhoods. Kate, you take the lead car and wear something bright to draw their fire.
ALF, has anyone ever told you when you dwell on something you become annoyingly obsessed?
Come on, we're running late, hon. Bye, ALF.
Lynn
Bye.
Bye. Hey, whatever you do don't get trapped between fat people and the buffet table! Oh, who am I kidding? I've gotta face facts. One day, Willie and Kate are gonna take that 6-foot dive. And then what? [picks up a picture and stares at it] Oh, Lynn. Sweet, unfocused Lynn. Maybe you're my hope.
[ALF is in adult Lynn's dream where he is staying at Lynn's apartment eating a bug he hears]
ALAdult Lynn
ALF, you weren't eating bugs again, were you?
I can't help it, Lynn. I'm hungry. They were practically daring me.
ALAdult Lynn
Oh, but I made us some nice chicken broth.
Chicken broth? What's the occasion?
ALAdult Lynn
Well, Robert's been working so hard lately. He looks so drawn. I thought a nice, hot meal might be just the thing to pick his spirits up.
RRobert
[arrives home] Honey, I'm home.
ALAdult Lynn
Oh, darling. Did you get a good spot on the boardwalk today?
RRobert
Yep. Right next to the public restrooms.
ALAdult Lynn
Well, it's about time. How much did you make?
RRobert
Oh, I have something for you.
Nice to see you haven't wasted the last 30 years.
RRobert
Thank you, ALF. You know I need to hear that from time to time.
RRobert
Oh, I came up with something new today.
RRobert
You know the old man-trapped-in-a-box routine?
ALAdult Lynn
It's one of my very favorites.
RRobert
Well, I found a new twist on it. Something that makes it totally unique. Man trapped in a pyramid!
It's amazing nobody's beaten you senseless.
ALAdult Lynn
You still don't believe in our dream, do you? Robert's going to be recognized as a genius someday. And then we'll have everything we ever wanted.
Oh, of course. All you have to do is take a drive through Beverly Hills and see the mansions built by famous mimes. Face it. There's no payoff!
RRobert
Oh, yeah? Well, I have 17 big ones that says you're wrong.
Oh, wake up and smell the invisible flowers. Get a job.
[the phone rings]
ALAdult Lynn
You two. Hello. Yes. Well, just a moment, please. Honey, it's the circus.
RRobert
Oh, boy. This is it. Hello. Yes, this is Robert Sherwood. A job? No, I'm not tied to the mime thing. Thank you. You won't be sorry. See you Monday.
ALAdult Lynn
What was that all about?
Oh, for heaven's sake. Somebody shoot me.
RRobert
[singing] I got a job with the circus!
Will you be making more than $17 a day?
RRobert
Well, not at first.
RRobert
And the best part is there's a place for both of you in the act!
[ALF's dream changes to him Robert, and Adult Lynn at the circus who is tied up on the wheel]
ALAdult Lynn
Ladies and gentlemen! Introducing the amazing Robertino and his incredible target, Bobo the complaining freak of nature.
Lynn, can't we reconsider this? I mean, shouldn't he have at least rehearsed this thing?
ALAdult Lynn
Well, he figured he may only get one chance at it.
[screams as knifes aim for the wheel] Hey! Hey, watch it. That was too close. Hey! Couldn't I have at least worn a cup? [makes a comment after his dream with Lynn ends] Well, so much for Lynn. I guess I'm gonna have to rely on my worst-case scenario. I'm relatively sure Brian won't marry a mime. He'd only run out of things to say.
[at the end, the family arrives home]
Lynn
ALF, I hope you realize we'd never do any of those things. And thanks for having such a high opinion of us.
ALF, I know you're really worried, and you have every right to be, but just tell me one thing. Did I have all my hair?
Your hair was the least of your problems.
ALF, no matter what happens as long as you have to stay hidden we'll always make provisions for you.
Prove it. Put the house in my name.
[the family is looking at some gold mining equipment]
Lynn
This is all Aunt Pat left you? A box of junk?
This isn't junk. These are things that belonged to your great-great-grandfather.
Lynn
Looks like a box of old tools.
It's turn-of-the-century mining equipment.
Just think, Lynn. Someday all this will be yours.
Come on. This is part of our ancestral heritage. You can't put a dollar value on something like that.
My great grandfather, Silas Tanner was a pioneer. He was an adventurer. The last 4 years of his life, he prospected for gold.
You know, my great uncle Louie Louie was a prospector. He started the Great Foam Rush of aught 8.
Our whole monetary system was based on the foam standard. Louie Louie became very stupid.
So it runs in the family.
Oh, ha, ha. For your information, on Melmac, stupid was slang for someone who was rich.
Well, I guess we'll never know how stupid my great grandfather was. He died in 1897, and this is all I have left of his legacy.
Lynn
Look what I found in the canteen.
What? Look. It's a map. There's an X on it.
It's a treasure map. Gadzooks! We're going to be stupid!
[last scene of the series]
It's a fine night to leave the galaxy.
Does anyone know what poison oak looks like?
Lynn
Why is this so heavy? [opens the box] Isn't this our VCR?
Oh, is it? Ha. You know, I couldn't remember whether I bought that or if you guys, uh. Keep it. I insist.
As I recall, you only had 2 suitcases when you got here. What's in these boxes, anyway?
Lynn
[as she hears a noise from the sky] ALF, your ride's here.
[Brian hugs ALF, Kate gives ALF a kiss, and Lynn hugs ALF while his ride arrives to pick him up]
No problem, we'll be going against traffic.
[a light shines on ALF]
ALF! Someone's coming! Get back here!
[a group of vans come]
What! [whimpers] Uh oh! Wait! Wait! Don't leave me!
[the Alien Task Force agents arrive]
AAgent
Stay right where you are!
Uh, hey guys. Want to grab a Burski? How about those Lakers, huh? This is my luck, I'm a sports fan among you.
[the final episode ends while the Alien Task Force agents surround ALF]
ALF · 397 quotes
