[while reading a book] Hey, hey, did you know that if you looked really carefully you could see Elvis in one of the crowd scenes in Gandhi?
LynnDo you believe everything you read?
Yeah, except for stuff marked unbreakable.
Where'd you get that book anyway?
I joined the legend of the month club. Next month, they're doing Steve Allen.
Lynn
ALF, Elvis Presley died more than 10 years ago.
Oh, yeah? Then how do you explain this shocking photograph of Elvis standing in line for Pirates of the Caribbean?
[pops his head up] Elvis has left the building!
It was not Elvis Presley.
Are you kidding? He was on that sandwich like red beans on rice.
Lynn
ALF, he didn't seem like Elvis to me either.
Elvis was a brilliant actor. He could play anything from a singing race car driver to a singing deep sea diver.
Even if this man were Elvis Presley, and I assure you he's not, he would never admit it.
I bet I can get it out of him.
[yelling] Leave the man alone! Leave him alone!
So what are you saying? Leave the man alone? [Willie and Lynn leave the garage after they ignored ALF's question] I won't rest till I prove this man is Elvis Presley. [yawns] But first, I think I'll take a nap.
Oh, what a wonderful surprise. Oh, thank you, Raquel, Laverne.
How did you know it was our idea?
Who else could be so thoughtful? [turns around to Andrea] Oh, Andrea, you brought little Elliot.
AAndrea
Yeah. I'm afraid it's past his naptime, though. If there's somewhere I could just go lay him down.
Lynn
We can christen the nursery. Come on, I'll show you where it is.
AAndrea
Great. [she and Lynn walk upstairs to the nursery]
Lynn
[offscreen] It's right in here, Andrea.
[ALF walks to the closet and closes the door as Andrea and Lynn come in the nursery]
AAndrea
Oh, what a cute room.
Lynn
Thanks.
AAndrea
Come on, sweetie. [drops Elliot in the crib] There we go.
Lynn
Does he need anything?
AAndrea
Um, $35,000 for college. He'll be fine. [she and Lynn leave the nursery]
[looks at Elliot who laying down in the crib] So, you're a rugrat. Not very user-friendly, are you? Yeah. We're getting one you bundles of joy pretty soon. Yeah. Yeah. People will be making a big fuss over it. Lynn'll be saying things like, "Uchie Cuchie, Little Mimi". [sneezes] Kate will be bring it baby formula, whatever that is. Brian'll be reading to it. [sneezes] Willie will be changing its diapers, taking it to the movies. And I'll be- [sneezes] Ah, I'll be sneezing my snout straight. I think I'm allergic to this thing. [sneezes]
Lynn
[as she hears ALF sneezing upstairs] I'll check on that. It was probably the cat. Or the plumbing. Or the cat in the plumbing. Excuse me. [walks away]
[holds up a bowl] Bridge mix?
[while ALF sneezes, Lynn comes in the nursery and confronts him]
Aren't you gonna say gesundheit?
Lynn
What is the matter with you?
Lynn
ALF, that is ridiculous.
Oh, yeah? Watch. [sneezes in front of Elliot] See, allergic to babies.
[comes in] What is going on in here? ALF, we have a house full of guests.
I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Motherload. You won't be able to keep your baby.
I found out I'm allergic to them. But don't worry, I'll make it up to you. [sneezes] I'll get you a goldfish. [sneezes]
We will talk about this later. Now, please, get back out to the garage. [leaves]
[sniffling] Aw, this is all your fau-, fau-, fau-. [sneezes] Hey, they really are more absorbent.
[at the end, ALF is sent back home in his room]
[reading "The Berenstain Bears' New Baby" book to ALF] "We will have a new baby soon who will need that little bed," said Papa Bear. "A new baby?" asked Small Bear. He hadn't noticed that Mama Bear had grown very round lately, "Although he had noticed it was harder and harder to sit on her lap."
Lynn
[comes in] Mom, dad's looking for you. He can't find his dental floss.
Tell him to look in the toilet tank. [Kate and Lynn glare at him] Don't ask. [Kate leaves]
Lynn
ALF, isn't this book a little young for you?
I know that. You know that. Apparently no one's told Kate.
Lynn
Want me to.
Nah. Her maternal instinct's in overdrive. If she wants to think of me as her I can handle it.
Lynn
That's very nice of you, ALF.
Lynn
Here. [gives the book to ALF and she leaves as the episode ends]
I can't wait to see how this turns out.
[ALF is in the attic using binoculars]
Lynn
[comes in the attic] Hi, ALF.
Lynn
Sorry. I saw your light on.
You can't sleep? How do you expect me to sleep? In 24 hours, I'm going to be hamburger helper.
Lynn
Would you stop the ground meat metaphors? Nobody's going to turn you in to the authorities.
You don't believe me either, do you, Lynn?
Lynn
You know, if mom and dad really thought you were in danger, they'd do something about it. So why don't you just get some sleep, ok?
Ok. I'll see you in the morning.
Lynn
Ok. Good night.
Night, Lynn. [the telephone rings as he answers it again] Hello?
ACAnonymous Caller
Gordon Shumway?
ACAnonymous Caller
You got the money?
Um, I'm working on it. Who should I make the check out to?
ACAnonymous Caller
Nice try, pinhead. But you better come up with the cash or it's too bad about the Tanners.
ACAnonymous Caller
They're gonna be in a lot of trouble for keeping you, but I guess a little jail time never hurt anyone. [laughs evilly and hangs up the phone]
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. And so do I.
[reading a note] Dear family, my imaginary blackmailer called again tonight and threatened to send you all to the imaginary slammer if I don't pay up. I would rather be turned into cream chip beef than to see you go to jail because of me. You're welcome. Anyway, I had to take, the car.
[reading a note] Tell Willie to calm down. I'll leave the car on Highway 71 just outside Edwards Air Force Base. Don't worry, nobody will want to steal it.
ALF's joining the air force?
Lynn
That's where the Alien Task Force is.
[ALF is cooking his breakfast at the stove]
[walks in the kitchen] Morning.
Relax, it's just my June bug scallopini.
Hence the crackling noise.
Please, Willie. You fry caterpillars. June bugs you sautee.
[closes the pan] Go sit. [ALF walks away]
Lynn
[comes in] Good morning.
Lynn
Mmm, what smells so good?
Lynn
I'll grab juice.
ALF, do you have something in the oven?
Someone accidentally knocked it into his fish tank, Willie.
I didn't say you did. I did it. So I put it in the oven to dry.
Lynn
Dad, he's kidding.
[Willie takes Brain's history book from the oven]
Oh, no! No! I'm-I'm doomed!
For Melmackians, It's bad luck to destroy a history book.
Lynn
You mean bad luck like when you open an umbrella indoors?
Worse. Bad luck like jilting a mafia princess.
Lynn
ALF, that is just silly.
[Kate screams as the pan starts to get on fire]
[sees his burned history book in the sink] My history book is history.
My life is history. I'm an accursed Melmackian. I belong in the realm of the- Gosh darned.
Ours was a polite society.
I don't get it. Why is it bad luck to destroy a history book?
Because Melmacians have a great respect for books. If you destroy a history book, you cheat future generations out of knowledge of the past.
That's rather deep for a planet whose motto was "Are you going to finish that sandwich?"
Wait. I don't make fun of your stupid planet. Electoral college.
Lynn
How long is this curse thing supposed to last?
I'm looking at 7 years of bad luck followed by 7 years of really bad luck.
[Lynn comes in the kitchen]
Who was that at the door, sweetheart?
Lynn
Danny.
Lynn
Dad, really. You make it sound like I'm 12 years old.
Oh, I'm sorry. What's the problem?
Lynn
Just a little, difficulty with, a guy.
And you say you understand your daughter.
Lynn
Danny can't go to the dance tomorrow night.
Lynn
I was really looking forward to it.
Well, isn't there somebody else you can go with?
I think I might be free. I'll check my week at a glance.
Lynn
It wouldn't be right to get another date. Danny and I are going steady. Kind of.
Well, did you exchange socks?
Lynn
No.
What exactly are you talking about?
The 3 stages of courtship on Melmac exchange left socks, trade bellybutton lint and spit in each other's soup. Well, you got to admit it's a bond.
When did you and Danny decide that you were going steady?
Lynn
There wasn't one specific moment.
But he's not seeing any other girls?
Lynn
He didn't say that exactly.
But he doesn't want you to date other guys?
Lynn
I don't know. He probably doesn't.
So you have no promises, no lint, no spit. What do you have?
Lynn
If you need me, I'll be in my room.
This problem would be solved if she would just hocktooey into Danny's chowder.
Know what's wrong with you, Willie? No sense of romance.
Lynn
[confronts ALF] ALF, what have you done?
Nothing. It's Danny. You shouldn't date somebody so unreliable.
Lynn
What did he say?
Just that he could make it back in time for the dance after all.
Lynn
ALF!
Don't worry. I told him not to bother 'cause you had another date. You're welcome.
Lynn
It's not a real date, it's just Randy. Because we're friends and we were not going not together.
Don't panic. I not know what not to do.
Lynn
What?
Call Randy, you tell him you have amnesia. Better yet, tell him he has amnesia. He'll buy that. Alright, you tell him the truth. Your boyfriend's back and he's gonna be in trouble. Hey na, hey na, your boyfriend's back.
Lynn
I was going to explain to Danny that I'm just going with Randy as a friend. Now, thanks to you he's gonna think that I'm seeing somebody else! There's Randy! But don't think this means you're off the hook!
[goes into the kitchen] Well, this is the last time I play Kelly Girl for you.
Lynn
Good! [opens the door revealing it's Danny] Danny.
DDanny
You, uh, you mind if I come in?
[goes upstairs to the attic singing as Willie hides his ant farm behind his back] Hi, Lynne Helm. Will Helm.
Lynn
Hi, ALF. I brought you a present, ALF.
Hey! An ant calendar. Thanks, Lynnie. The boys love reading about their distant cousins.
ALF, I think there's something you should know about your ants.
I know, I know. Ants can't read. It's just a little anthropomorphic game I like to play with them.
Actually, I was referring to something else.
Well, you remember you told me what happens to orbit gnats when they fly too close to your ship's heat shield?
Well, the same thing can happen to an ant when it's left in the sun too long. [gives ALF his ant farm]
You sure they're not sun-tanning? [he cries in shock after his ants passed away]
Lynn
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF.
[worried] My poor little goombas. An hour ago, they were working at the farm.
Lynn
[comes in the kitchen with her school papers] Well, I think I finally figured out which courses I should register for.
Oh, did you choose a major?
Lynn
I was thinking about art history.
Oh, honey. I-I mean it's admirable that you're interested in art but do you think that's really a practical thing to major in?
Lynn
What do you mean?
Well, we have a saying in college those who can do and those who can't major in art history.
I majored in art history.
You were the exception, dear. We never laughed at you.
I suppose that studying mankind's greatest artistic achievements wasn't nearly as interesting as drawing population pie charts like you social science majors.
I never drew a pie chart in my life. Oh, okay, okay, once I drew a pie chart and you know what? It wasn't bad.
And where's that pie chart today? I'll tell you where it's not. It's not in the Louvre.
Uh, that reminds me, hon, um, we're having a pool at the office. What year did Van Gogh die?
The year they asked him to draw a pie chart.
Kate, I'm sorry I made fun of your major, so, I brought you this. It's the evolution of art from primitive cave drawings to the wizard of id.
You know, it occurred to me, no matter what our kids become, social workers, art historians, shipping magnates. They're gonna inherit ALF and be broke anyway.
Oh, Willie. This is lovely. I'm sorry if I overreacted.
We shouldn't argue over something so silly. As pie charts. Silly old pie charts.
Lynn
Well, I finally picked my courses.
I trust you've made a good career choice. You're majoring in nothing.
Lynn
I found out that with all Of the required subjects I have to take, I'm not gonna have time for any courses in my major until I'm a junior anyway, so I'll decide then.
Can you come out here and help me with my knots?
No, I'm busy, ALF. If you want help, come on in here.
Alright. [he comes in from the living room tied up]
Oh, come over here, I'll untie you.
I would, but I can't seem to drag the piano any farther. [he still gets stuck while Willie comes to untie him as the episode ends]
[ALF is at the living room relaxing while the family prepares for a wedding]
Oh, come on, everybody. We'll be late. Let's go. I got your tie, B.
Don't forget your baseball mitt, Brian.
You'll have a better chance of catching the bridal squid.
Lynn
On Earth, we don't throw Marine life at weddings.
Lynn
Good point.
Hey, Kate! [hands her a stack of Tupperware containers tied with a bow] Give this to the bride with my regards.
You're not giving away my Tupperware.
Of course I'm not! Tell her to fill it with food! I love wedding buffets.
I've rented you these tapes, ALF, to keep you occupied and to keep you out of trouble.
No, these are classics. You've never seen these. This one is the Sheik with Rudolph Valentino. And the other one's a film by Charlie Chaplin.
Kick the TV, Willie. The color's gone out.
No, these are black and white movies, ALF.
How am I supposed to see Rudolph's red nose? And turn up the sound. I can't hear the actors. These movies are silent. I might as well be reading.
ALF · 397 quotes
