[ALF is in Willie and Kate's dream where Willie and Kate are senior citizens]
Old WillieBeautiful day. Another beautiful, boring, lonely, horrible day. I should drop dead.
Old Willie
ALF, go and open the curtain let me watch the sun setting over the ocean.
Old Willie
Well, how come I can't see the ocean?
There is no ocean out there, Willie. We live in the valley. It's landlocked. Like your mind.
Old Willie
Kate was right. Let's drop him off in the snow, she used to say. Did I listen?
Old Willie
Oh, there it is. I see it now. Thank you. [angrily] WAS THAT SO DIFFICULT? [normal] ALF, can you forgive a doddering, senile old man?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I've got work to do, huh?
Old Willie
Okay. Thank you.
[dials the phone] Hello, is this the Taylor Ball Bearings Company? Do you have a Xerox copier. Well, you're in luck because our company recently overstocked on some name-brand toner...
Old Willie
[angrily] HE'S LYING! IT'S A SCAM! DON'T FALL FOR IT!
Did I mention that there's a free gift involved?
Old Willie
No, no, no! Scam! Scam! Scam!
May I call you back? Yes, thank you. [hangs up] What are you doing?
Old Willie
I'm sorry. Go on, make another phone call. I won't interrupt again. I promise. Really.
[old Kate comes out of the kitchen during the grease fire]
Grease fire. Curtains, whoosh!
Old, batty, over-medicated.
Old Willie
Look at those seagulls. They carry diseases, you know? I can't prove it, but I know they do.
I hope the kids like these afghans. I'm making them big enough so they can tent their homes in winter.
Old Willie
Better not come in here, the filthy, germ-infested vermin.
Oh, don't worry. I think they're living in Seattle now.
What did I tell you about using the stove without supervision?
You know it's off-limits.
Old Willie
No good. No damn good! You were right. We should have dropped him off in the snow.
Why don't you read us that nice letter we just got from Lynnie?
Because it came 3 years ago. And I've read it to you 500 times. And it was a postcard!
Old Willie
I worked my whole life to support him. And now he won't even read us our mail.
Then at least describe the stamp. Is that too much to ask?
[on the phone] Hello, Alien Task Force? Yes, I'm an alien and I'd like to turn myself in. I know it involves dissection. That's fine. In fact, I welcome it. [angrily] JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Willie
[on the phone] Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. [hangs up the phone] Well, congratulate me, I just managed to finagle reservations for 2 at Emilio's. How does that sound, honey?
Sounds good to me, sweetie.
That is wonderful, Willie.
What, is she coming too? I thought this was gonna be our night!
Willie
Oh, for heaven's sake, ALF, it's Valentine's Day. Kate and I are looking forward to spending an evening alone together. It's, it's what keeps us from becoming bitter.
I'll just spend Valentine's Day alone. Without romance, without love, without two bodies beyond rational thought. [sighs] Oh, sorry. I'm back. Anyone call while I was gone?
[the family is looking at some gold mining equipment]
This is all Aunt Pat left you? A box of junk?
Willie
This isn't junk. These are things that belonged to your great-great-grandfather.
Looks like a box of old tools.
Willie
It's turn-of-the-century mining equipment.
Just think, Lynn. Someday all this will be yours.
Willie
Come on. This is part of our ancestral heritage. You can't put a dollar value on something like that.
Willie
My great grandfather, Silas Tanner was a pioneer. He was an adventurer. The last 4 years of his life, he prospected for gold.
You know, my great uncle Louie Louie was a prospector. He started the Great Foam Rush of aught 8.
Our whole monetary system was based on the foam standard. Louie Louie became very stupid.
So it runs in the family.
Oh, ha, ha. For your information, on Melmac, stupid was slang for someone who was rich.
Willie
Well, I guess we'll never know how stupid my great grandfather was. He died in 1897, and this is all I have left of his legacy.
Look what I found in the canteen.
Willie
What? Look. It's a map. There's an X on it.
It's a treasure map. Gadzooks! We're going to be stupid!
[while digging for treasure] Give up. He must be mad. Mad, I tell me, mad! No one's gonna cheat me out of my right to someone else's legacy. [feels something hard with a shovel] Hey, what's this? Wooden planks! Yes! Yes! I found the treasure! I'm, I'm going to be stupid! [laughs and then yells as he falls down to the water]
Willie
ALF. ALF, where are you?
[from underground] Down here.
Willie
What happened?
[from underground] I was looking for gold, but all I found was this ice-cold Jacuzzi instead. I'm drowning. Get me out of here.
Willie
I-I'll go tear one of the sleeping bags into a rope. I'll be right back. Don't go away.
[from underground] I'll try not to wander off. Just my luck I fall down a well there's no townspeople around to fight over the movie rights.
[last scene of the series]
It's a fine night to leave the galaxy.
Does anyone know what poison oak looks like?
Why is this so heavy? [opens the box] Isn't this our VCR?
Oh, is it? Ha. You know, I couldn't remember whether I bought that or if you guys, uh. Keep it. I insist.
Willie
As I recall, you only had 2 suitcases when you got here. What's in these boxes, anyway?
[as she hears a noise from the sky] ALF, your ride's here.
[Brian hugs ALF, Kate gives ALF a kiss, and Lynn hugs ALF while his ride arrives to pick him up]
Willie
Safe home, my friend.
No problem, we'll be going against traffic.
[a light shines on ALF]
Willie
ALF! Someone's coming! Get back here!
[a group of vans come]
What! [whimpers] Uh oh! Wait! Wait! Don't leave me!
[the Alien Task Force agents arrive]
AAgent
Stay right where you are!
Uh, hey guys. Want to grab a Burski? How about those Lakers, huh? This is my luck, I'm a sports fan among you.
[the final episode ends while the Alien Task Force agents surround ALF]
ALF · 397 quotes
